Should we tell DC about Santa?

[ImALittlePea]

This has come up following random chats with parents at school, friends etc.

Oldest DC is 11, has just started secondary school. Will be 12 this term. Relatively switched on but also can be quite a sensitive and naive soul, and is very sentimental. AFAIK, still believes in Santa - I wondered last year if he was going to ask questions but he didn't.

Anyway, a few parents have suggested quite strongly that we should tell him that he's not real, as he's now at secondary and "won't live it down" if his peers at school find out he really believes. It does worry me a bit that he would react and be teased by some stronger and more dominant characters at his school if it comes out there, and I want to protect him from that if I can.

I also have no particular problems with telling him, and I half feel like getting him on board with the 'Santa isn't an actual person but represents Christmas magic which IS real' narrative might be a good thing - he can then help create the magic for younger family members (including a younger sibling) etc. BUT he hasn't asked us the question, so it would mean bringing it up with him ourselves, which is really hard.

When I've mentioned doing this to other friends, they're horrified and say I absolutely shouldn't.

I tried a couple of weeks ago, loosely, by asking whether he wanted to visit Santa this year now he's at secondary school - perhaps he's a bit old now? He thought and answered 'well I'm normally the oldest one there and the presents are a bit rubbish so I don't mind not seeing him, but I'd still like a stocking'.

So after opinions. Do we take control of things and tell him? Or let him believe in the magic, acknowledging that he quite possibly does know already but is keeping pretence because he wants the extra gifts?!

Poll -
YABU - don't tell him
YANBU - fine to tell him

Are you sure he’s still a believer? It sounds like he might just be playing along so he doesn’t lose his stocking?

Anyway, a few parents have suggested quite strongly that we should tell him that he's not real, as he's now at secondary and "won't live it down" if his peers at school find out he really believes.

In the unlikely event that he actually does still believe and isn't just playing along, this bit is true. He would absolutely be mocked in secondary school.

Tell him, but reassure him he'll still get a stocking and the extra gifts, that won't stop. He probably knows, but you need to say it just in case.

Our daughter is 28.
We told her when she was in Y6 that Father Christmas only leaves a stocking for people who believe in him.
She never asked the hard question.
We all have stockings if she’s with us for Christmas!!

Of course he knows really. He just doesn’t want to talk about it!!

They dont believe by the time they are 12, i mean Santa getting round the world in sneaking into houses by magic, is actually impossible, however there is nothing wrong in keeping the story going imo it is harmless fun.

Our rule is not after September because it’s still popping into their head whereas mid year it’s over

we tell just before secondary and I can definitively say some do still believe contrary to popular belief on mn, my son looked devastated!!

He doesn’t still believe in Santa 😂

My son who is autistic very much still believed at 11 we told him in the summer before secondary as we were worried about him getting teased or feeling silly.

Are you sure him saying, he still wants a stocking isn’t him saying, I know it’s not real but please don’t stop doing the fun stuff.

I don't believe that you believe that he still believes in Santa.

Now for a lie down.

Between all of these replies you've absolutely nailed our muddled thoughts on it 😂

He is autistic, and leans so fully into it each year that I wouldn't be surprised if he did still believe. And he is prone to being picked on at school, so I want to protect him. But bringing it up is SO hard 😭

The IRL conversations I've had have been very polarised between it being something we must do for his sake, and it being an awful thing to bring up.

I'm worried we've left it too close now for this year, too.

Don’t be surprised if he still believes a little bit. A couple of years ago we were watching a tv film with our 12 year old and he wondered aloud how Santa knew what to give him if he didn’t write a list anymore. Me and dh genuinely thought he was mocking us but he seemed serious so we just simply replied that we had contact with Santa through the year and kept him updated with what our kids liked 🤷🏻‍♀️. That Ds is now 14 and he definitely does not believe now but his 10 year old brother does. I also have a 25 year old who just found out organically too. Don’t believe that kids chat about Santa in school. They barely talk about anything of any substance lol so the “they will get bullied” line is absolute crap in my opinion. I think my kids hold on to the belief for as long as it’s possible because they bloody love Christmas 🎄

This is the thing - I genuinely can't tell! If he doesn't, he's done an excellent job pretending!

Then do it now OP! Before it’s even closer. I think the suggested explanation in your OP is ideal. And reassure him he’ll still get his stocking.

I believed in Santa until I was ten, almost eleven. My DM told me the summer term before I went to Secondary School because she thought either I knew and was pretending or, if I didn't know, I really should before I made a fool of myself at Secondary School.

It was a shock! However, I am glad she did. One girl in my class at Secondary still believed and innocently let it slip and she was teased mercilessly.

So do please tell him soon, very soon, in the gentlest possible way.

Yeah I'd tell him, there's lots of ideas online about how to do it in a kind way, I wouldn't let him potentially mention it at school.

There is zero chance that he believes Santa is real

Aww this is what I want to avoid! I did try to bring it up in a natural way but it didn't work / I bottled it. I'll have to be more direct 😢

I wouldnt expect a typical child to still believe in year 7 but i can understand he might if hes autistic
My concern would be is he likely to talk about santa at school?

Well I was shocked when my now 43 year old son told me that he had still believed in santa at age 12. He really did.
I never lied about santa we just didn't really discuss it so I assumed he knew.
I did wonder how that was possible but I certainly think it's a good idea to have that chat before he starts secondary school.

I don't know if he'd talk about it at school, tbh. I don't think he'd bring it up, but if it was a conversation around him he could well say something.

There are a couple of very big 'leader' characters in his tutor group that he's already clashed with and I reckon they would go heavy on the teasing if it came up. And once that's done, there's no undoing it is there?!

A couple of years ago we were watching a tv film with our 12 year old and he wondered aloud how Santa knew what to give him if he didn’t write a list anymore. Me and dh genuinely thought he was mocking us but he seemed serious so we just simply replied that we had contact with Santa through the year and kept him updated with what our kids liked

@ithinkilikethislittlelife This is remarkably like the stories I was told as a child, which is why I was relatively late to find out.

In my case I was the youngest in the family by a long way, my sisters are 10 and 8 years older. I think they liked having a little sister who still believed so when I started with the "I wonder how Santa..." questions they always came up with some suggestion of how it might work.

By the time I was about ten we had quite a sophisticated mythology worked out! I knew that the presents were from family and friends but that they got sent to Santa or collected by one of Santa's helpers. Shock, horror I also knew there was more than one Santa and your parents had an arrangement with one Santa who had a key to your house and also had either a helicopter or a Landrover if there wasn't enough snow for a sleigh.

I agree with this. It feels like he’s telling you he knows.

If you want to be able to talk to him more openly about the fact that you buy the presents for some reason, then you could frame it carefully as letting him in on a special and magical secret, and sell it that everyone beyond primary age is a bit of Santa, creating and perpetuating magic for smaller children everywhere, and it’s the spirit of Christmas which is the magic and not Santa himself.

Just because you’re open about it doesn’t make it any less fun. My mum still makes me a stocking and tells me it’s from Father Christmas, and I am 55!

Someone I know didn't tell their child before secondary school, when he found out, he was more concerned about his parents lying to him than the fact he wasn't real. I decided then to tell DS before secondary school, and use the analogy of Father Christmas being the spirit and representing the magic of Christmas etc.. He was more than happy with that explanation.

This isnt true. I have known 12 year olds who were genuinely shocked. And not just pretending so they still get the presents! No ND.