Should we tell DC about Santa?

[ImALittlePea]

This has come up following random chats with parents at school, friends etc.

Oldest DC is 11, has just started secondary school. Will be 12 this term. Relatively switched on but also can be quite a sensitive and naive soul, and is very sentimental. AFAIK, still believes in Santa - I wondered last year if he was going to ask questions but he didn't.

Anyway, a few parents have suggested quite strongly that we should tell him that he's not real, as he's now at secondary and "won't live it down" if his peers at school find out he really believes. It does worry me a bit that he would react and be teased by some stronger and more dominant characters at his school if it comes out there, and I want to protect him from that if I can.

I also have no particular problems with telling him, and I half feel like getting him on board with the 'Santa isn't an actual person but represents Christmas magic which IS real' narrative might be a good thing - he can then help create the magic for younger family members (including a younger sibling) etc. BUT he hasn't asked us the question, so it would mean bringing it up with him ourselves, which is really hard.

When I've mentioned doing this to other friends, they're horrified and say I absolutely shouldn't.

I tried a couple of weeks ago, loosely, by asking whether he wanted to visit Santa this year now he's at secondary school - perhaps he's a bit old now? He thought and answered 'well I'm normally the oldest one there and the presents are a bit rubbish so I don't mind not seeing him, but I'd still like a stocking'.

So after opinions. Do we take control of things and tell him? Or let him believe in the magic, acknowledging that he quite possibly does know already but is keeping pretence because he wants the extra gifts?!

Poll -
YABU - don't tell him
YANBU - fine to tell him

100%

Belief in Santa usually comes with a natural childish egocentricity, thus they only think about what he means to them and don't stop to think about how he could possibly visit millions and millions of other children all in one night, let alone fit all of their presents on one sleigh.

Therefore, I would have thought that, if he did still truly believe, he wouldn't have made the comment nonchalantly accepting the presents being a bit rubbish for somebody of his age, now he's older than the other kids there by some distance; rather he would have questioned why Santa didn't still give/bring him (age-appropriate) presents that he (Santa) knew that he personally would like.

I told all mine before they started secondary school. I should say not so much 'told' as confirmed their doubts. I do think they'll be teased if they let on they still believe! He can still go along with it and have fun with it at home, especially if there are younger siblings, just don't talk about it at school.

If he is autistic then you need to tell him. Unlike most children his age, he might not have picked up on the fact that he isn't real and it is better that he finds out from you and not from an embarrassing situation at school. My only friend from secondary school who still believed in Father Christmas was autistic. She wasn't bullied for it, but it did seem very young and naive to the rest of us.

I phased Santa out by replacing the gifts from Santa with gifts from us. The first time was a skiing trip (that we were going on anyway, but they didn’t know about) the tickets given in a wallet signed from me. They accepted that it was impossible for Santa to have booked a trip, checked passports etc.

They were 9 and 11. I thought, that they were convinced I believed and didn’t want to tell me the truth!

After the skiing present, Santa gifts got less and less, talk of Santa shifted.

I didn’t ever announce that Santa wasn’t real, I couldn’t do that! If they asked I maintained, as we still do, with them as adults, that Santa is magic, we all believe in the magic of Santa and if we believe in the magic, a stocking will be left.

It has all become quite a joke and tongue in cheek though. Wide eyed ‘shock’ if anyone mentions they don’t believe.
It depends if your DS would understand the fun, and also the subtleties in the change of language. (Santa, magic, believe in the magic of Santa).

I know me and some of my friends still believed in year 6 as I remember one girl saying she had seen Santa and he was her Dad! She thought that meant that her Dad was the actual Santa for everyone. Me and a friend told her not to be silly, that was just her Dad dressed as Santa, the Real Santa is a completely different person, obviously.

Yes, I think this is quite a common (and logical) way of thinking. In context, it makes perfect sense that Santa brings the presents, so if you no longer believe in Santa, you naturally stop getting the presents.

It's actually quite a mental twist to get your (still young but developing) head around: that you can still continue getting the presents just like 'Santa' brought before, even though you automatically know that they're really from your parents! Even though they see adults still getting presents, they're usually 'boring' things from their perspective, and adults tend to receive far fewer than children do, so that likely brings little solace. If you were 12 and could either choose to get a toy for a 6yo or a scarf or bottle of perfume, you wouldn't want either!!

I think many (quite reasonably) assume that it's a stage of childhood that you leave behind once you're ready - sitting in the supermarket trolley, going to the kiddies' playpark, having a bedtime story, being able to freely play, run around and make noise at nursery, rather than being told to listen and be quiet once you start school etc.; once you've left it behind, it's completely finished and a chapter of your life that's now closed.

Good luck! ❤️

You have to tell before 1st Xmas at secondary school as will get the piss ripped out of him if he says Santa brought me a game etx

but reassure that to keep the spirit alive etx that stockings will still happen

What, you're saying Santa isnt real?

I told DD a few months ago. She's the same age, autistic etc. she found it hilarious 😂 I really didn't want her to say Santa is real at school and end up being bullied or whatever, she has enough to contend with as they all do at secondary. Good luck tonight!

The way you suggest to bring up is great. It's a magical way of expressing the fun of Christmas, like a fairy story or a nursery rhyme. Grown ups and older children (like him) make an agreement not to spoil it for younger children. If people at the new school say that Santa isn't real he needs to accept it, but not tell little ones that.

He is a real person, but he's actually PP's friend's kid's mum in disguise - as explained upthread.

Both of mine have told me much younger and one is ASD, are you sure he isn’t just trying to protect your feelings?

Maybe?! I don't know. I just hope that's it and I don't break his heart tonight. And that he doesn't seek his revenge by telling the younger family members if so! 🎅😱

my friend had exactly this issue with her eldest. he'd never made any comment about him not being real but by this time of year 7 they sat him down for a chat to make sure he knew (and he did). i'm sorry but if he says anything about santa at school he'll get absolutely mauled.

Good luck op! I'm sure he won't seek revenge... Probably 😬🤣

But honestly, from what you've put, I think he's at least started to doubt, if not stop believing and is "playing along".

My son is younger (turns 7 just before Christmas) and he's autistic too. Last year he lost his first tooth was vaguely horrified by the idea of the tooth fairy so I was honest and said it's just a bit of fun/pretend and he immediately said "oh like the Easter bunny then" 🤣 As far as I know he does believe in Santa, but I think it's because it's so easy to get swept up in it all - but even then I do half wonder if he's already "playing along" sometimes...

Why tell him? By this age he should know already without the need for a conversation about it. Maybe he saying he believes to keep the magic going for younger siblings but I honestly can't believe an 11 almost 12 year genuinely believe in Father Christmas.

Well... For the reasons already discussed? It's easy to say he "should" know but each child is different, and his dad and I agree that we can't tell if he does or not. I imagine/hope that he probably knows enough but we don't want to risk him being 'found out' at school and being teased relentlessly, not do we want him to find out at school and come home asking questions around the other younger ones.

the time to have such conversations is in the car - there's no escape but they also don't have to sit facing you

Yes generally agree with that!

Mine is 10 and in Y6, if she doesn’t ask we’ll tell her in January

I odnt think you should tell him. he will figure out for himself when he is ready and only then have the conversation if you have to. My kids are 31 and 32 and I still have never actually said there is no Santa

You don't have to believe in Santa to still believe in the 'magic of Santa" (if that makes sense). It's the magical traditions and rituals associated with Christmas for each family that kids (and big kids) love.

You could be talking about my kids! My year 6 child still wants to see Santa and said she is still young enough to go. I was hoping her wording meant she knew, but just wants to keep it going for one more year.
My son is in year 7 and I have been dropping a lot of hints as I don't think he does but there is every possibility he does still believe as he is a young sensitive soul. When his sister said about seeing Santa I said to him oh you can just come along too plus when any parcels have arrived I have made a big point about saying maybe they are for Christmas.
It's so hard though as I don't want to make a big fuss over it if they are just doing it because it makes everyone happy.