Should we tell DC about Santa?

[ImALittlePea]

This has come up following random chats with parents at school, friends etc.

Oldest DC is 11, has just started secondary school. Will be 12 this term. Relatively switched on but also can be quite a sensitive and naive soul, and is very sentimental. AFAIK, still believes in Santa - I wondered last year if he was going to ask questions but he didn't.

Anyway, a few parents have suggested quite strongly that we should tell him that he's not real, as he's now at secondary and "won't live it down" if his peers at school find out he really believes. It does worry me a bit that he would react and be teased by some stronger and more dominant characters at his school if it comes out there, and I want to protect him from that if I can.

I also have no particular problems with telling him, and I half feel like getting him on board with the 'Santa isn't an actual person but represents Christmas magic which IS real' narrative might be a good thing - he can then help create the magic for younger family members (including a younger sibling) etc. BUT he hasn't asked us the question, so it would mean bringing it up with him ourselves, which is really hard.

When I've mentioned doing this to other friends, they're horrified and say I absolutely shouldn't.

I tried a couple of weeks ago, loosely, by asking whether he wanted to visit Santa this year now he's at secondary school - perhaps he's a bit old now? He thought and answered 'well I'm normally the oldest one there and the presents are a bit rubbish so I don't mind not seeing him, but I'd still like a stocking'.

So after opinions. Do we take control of things and tell him? Or let him believe in the magic, acknowledging that he quite possibly does know already but is keeping pretence because he wants the extra gifts?!

Poll -
YABU - don't tell him
YANBU - fine to tell him

No sadly not
If thats the case i think for his sake you need to tell him.

We've only ever done the stocking and one gift from Santa - all other presents are from us and the children all know this anyway.

But yes, this spirit of Christmas angle is exactly the way we want to go with it - bring him in on the secret for the younger ones (which genuinely is just as magical too!). I've just got to get the conversation started now 😬

You have to tell him OP. I suspect as others say he already knows and is just playing along but if he does still genuinely believe then it's not fair to let him look silly in front of his friends.

My eldest still plays along (2 your siblings) but when he went to secondary I did double check with him, just in case.

Thanks all. I was going to try again at the weekend but the reaction of some of the family made me doubt whether it was the right thing to do - they seemed horrified and quite judgy about it. I just really want to get it right so it doesn't ruin Christmas for him.

If you do tell him it's a fantasy, are you ready to answer him if he asks why you have been lying to him?

I was in this predicament in April. DS has just started secondary school and absolutely still believed in Father Christmas last year.
I sat him down and explained that it was actually me, and explained that parents do it to make Christmas more magical for our children.
He completely understood, but was shocked. He's grown up with much older siblings and saw that they still got their stockings from 'Father Christmas' so wasn't upset.
He's now excited to help keep the magic alive for younger relatives and be in the special club of people that 'know the truth'.

Someone I know dealt with this the best way I've heard. Exactly the same situation, unsure if he knew etc. Her husband had a chat along the lines of: I'm sure you've realised by now that Santa is really Mum, but she loves buying you these presents and the whole Father Christmas thing, so can we both keep going along with it for her sake?
This saves face (that he maybe should have guessed if he hasn't) and also puts him in a superior situation with Dad (humouring mum) and reassures him he still gets presents. It worked really well with her son.

I’d have told mine if they still believed when they had started secondary school.
They both stopped believing by the Christmas they were in year 6

They already know and are humouring you.

My sister and I , aged 8 and 9, badgered my dad ( mum was out) to tell us the truth about Santa. We had our suspicions! Dad held out for a long time, saying he didn't want to spoil Christmas for us, which made us more determined to get the truth. We swore we wouldn't be upset. Eventually he agreed that Santa wasn't real, whereupon we burst into floods of tears, telling him he'd ruined Christmas. I think most children know the truth by the time they're 10 or 11, but until a parent actually confirms it, they can cling on to tatters of Christmas magic. I see this happening with my grandchildren but they are shrewder than we were and don't ask the hard question.

Well i think a gental explanation that parents around the world join in to make xmas magical
Is better then him talking about it in school and being bullied about it is the better option IMO.

Trust me he won’t still believe. I was in a similar situation with my daughter who was year 7 (also autistic). I desperately wanted her to not believe because she was my youngest and I was fed up of shielding her. She was so sensitive and when it had come up before she made it very clear that she would be really upset if he wasn’t real (and the tooth fairy!) so I was looking for signs she didn’t believe or that she wanted the truth (they never came). Anyway it got revealed when I was talking to her friend’s mum while she was there. Turned out she had not believed for a while but thought that I would be upset if she let on!!

I should have added that in our house the rule is that Father Christmas only comes to those who "believe"; hence I have a 34 and a 32 year old who still believe...

I didn’t answer your poll as technically I don’t agree with either response. I would say he already knows that santa isnt real but is going along with it for the presents. I truly believe it’s what my daughter did. If you genuinely think he believes then tell him before he is ridiculed by other kids his age.

This, ish....

That whole idea is based on a real person—a kind man named Saint Nicholas a long time ago who loved giving secret gifts and helping people. Over the years, that idea grew into a story we all share.
Santa isn't a single person. Santa is the magic of giving, loving, and surprising people just to see them smile. It’s the feeling of wanting someone to feel special without needing them to thank you or know it was you.
And because Santa is a feeling and an action, that means Santa isn’t just one guy. Santa is the magic of Christmas.
Now that you know the truth, you’re officially in on the secret. You get to graduate. You’re not just on the list anymore—you’re on the Santa team.
Your job now is to help us keep that magic alive for others. You can help pick out gifts, help keep secrets, and do kind things for people just because you want to make their day brighter.

I told my son when he was 11, just before he started secondary school. He did still genuinely believe, so he didn't take it well. Of course I had to admit about the tooth fairy and easter bunny as well, which made it worse.
I knew at some point around Christmas, if he mentioned Father Christmas, he would have had the piss taken out of him, and that would have been worse than dealing with the upset of telling him.

I would love for this to be the case!

I'm sort of in the same position @ImALittlePea

DS is 10 and in yr6. He has said a few things in the past that suggested he was beginning to figure it out, but then nothing since and I wonder if he knows and is going along with it... or if he overcame his doubts and now fully believes again! I think I need to tell him, but wasn't sure whether to let him have this final xmas potentially believing and wait till after? Or, is it better to just be open and honest? He will be going to secondary next year.

He is the oldest, so no siblings to spill the beans to him.

I genuinely don't think they talk about it at school! I know I found out over time from school chats - it wasn't a big reveal, I just kind of absorbed the information from others and knew he wasn't real. I wasn't sad or upset and it wasn't a big deal at all. DS is quite sensitive though, and so enjoys the magic so I worry he might feel differently!

Just tell him. I wish I'd just done it with my daughter.

This was me a year ago. We said we'd tell him this year before secondary but I never did. I'm going to do it tonight. I think the main things are the reassurance that the magic has never been a lie, and that being on the team providing it is also so much fun. That you're now in charge of special knowledge and must never tell. And it doesn't end the fun / stockings etc.

Going to do it tonight when youngest are in bed. Wish me luck! 🙏

Her husband had a chat along the lines of: I'm sure you've realised by now that Santa is really Mum

Did her massive bushy white beard not give it away?

I suspect he already knows. I'm also autistic (not sure if that's relevant) and figured it out around age 7 or 8, but thought the presents would stop when you stopped believing so didn't let on to my parents until my mum gently told me when I started high school. I was fine once I knew the presents would still come.

I’d be very surprised if he still believed, I had a parent of my child’s friend message me in year 5 asking me to tell my child not to say that Father Christmas wasn’t real again to theirs…
When I asked my Son about it, he said everyone was saying that he wasn’t real and that he had just said something as part of the group, obviously he didn’t realise that 2 members of that group still believed 🙈
The parent told me she had had to work extra hard that year to keep up the pretence and my child was partially to blame.
I always swore that if my children asked me directly I would tell them the truth, my eldest son (who is autistic) asked me when he was 7 if Father Christmas was real and I said that he wasn’t but that it was never about a person anyway, it was a time of year to think of others and spend time with family.
He then went and told his brother who was 6…. My DH was horrified that I hadn’t bluffed/lied my way out of it.
Of course that meant the tooth fairy etc all went out the window too, I would still take their teeth/leave coins but they knew it was me.
They are both now in secondary school
and are so sweet with their younger sibling, they pretend and talk about Father Christmas etc
I think this will be my last year without either them telling him or him coming to me and asking directly as he’s in year 2 which is when his brother started questioning it.
We still hang out stockings and will even when everyone doesn’t believe, I still say to ask Father Christmas when the bigger ones ask for something bear Christmas time, I just get an eye roll in response.
It’s tricky when they don’t ask you outright though, because then you have to try and broach the subject. Good luck!

Yes definitely tell him. Good luck!