Partner works 7 on / 7 off but does absolutely nothing on his weeks off

[KindRubyReader]

Hello mums, I’m just looking for some opinions on whether this is “ normal “ and what other people’s opinions are.

My partner works long shifts 7 days on, 2pm-12pm. He then has 7 days off. We have a 2 year old. He has never taken her anywhere on his own, as in like planned a day out together taken her to soft play, toddler groups, even just to the park etc. I am a SAHM, so 99% of everything falls on me which I am absolutely fine with. I just see dads out with toddlers and I think it’s sad he doesn’t do that with her? With his shift patterns, he often goes days at a time without seeing her as we’re up and out early and he’s still asleep and when he gets back she’s obviously asleep.

I just feel he doesn’t try to spend quality time with her especially on his 7 days off, he just says she’s like a different child every week. He isn’t able to do bedtime or anything as she won’t settle for him, she’s very much mummy’s girl which I am more than fine with, I love spending time with her and we do everything together, I just wish he made more of an effort on his days off. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

There is no suggestion for any family days out or anything and even if I suggest something I end up doing it on my own anyway. When he is here, I wouldn’t say he’s massively involved, he’ll have a bit of a rough and tumble with her here and there, but he just sits on his phone or PlayStation most of the time with nothing else really going on.

I have brought this up to him, and he just says well she knows I love her and that he’s just laid back about it and doesn’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t know if I’m being unfair or comparing him to others?

Please just make him do it op. Set the scene in advance and say that from now on every bedtime on his week off is his responsibility then go out for an hour or two.

Stick to it religiously else he'll do that whiny "I can't do it/ she won't settle for me" nonsense.

And that's just for starters 😉

"It's a 2 way street"...

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She's 2!

What was the deliberation that led to the "mutual decision" for him to be the only earner in your family? Have you any savings or money of your own? What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own with a mortgage? Also, are you currently on any sort of birth control?

We agreed when I was pregnant, that I would return to work when she was 3. The reasons I wanted to be a SAHM were due to wanting to spend as much of the early years with my daughter, him agreeing with this but also not wanting to pay the financial costs of nursery.

It is my home, so I’m not worried in that regard. I have found new jobs, set up interviews etc, and he’s not willing to pay the nursery costs so I’m at a loss as he seems resentful in ways that I don’t work, but has often told me I should be grateful that I’m allowed to stay home, and he’s the one missing out by going to work. The whole situation often baffles me.

OP do you mean 2pm- midnight? Because I am confused by 2pm - 12pm. He would only get 2 hours sleep in 24 hours.

If you do mean 2pm - 12 (midnight) that’s no different to what I used to do in hotels, and sometimes worked a 10 day straight. Full time, young children but an excellent and involved husband, who also worked full time.

‘Allowed’ to stay home?! Stay home because you’re looking after HIS child, no?

If he’s not willing to pay for childcare then what’s his problem? Why is he getting to make all the (stupid) decisions here?

Tell him to fuck off or get on with parenting his child. Do what you want to do and what’s best for your child.

Why is he still in your house OP ?
Don't waste any more time on this.
all the best.

I just struggle with the situation because whenever we speak about it, he says it can’t be compared to others as most people don’t work the same shifts as him, so I struggle to compare what’s “normal” in certain households or what I should, or shouldn’t be expecting. He says that he works and I’m a Sahm, so parenting is my responsibility. I never ever ask for any help when he’s on his shifts and often myself go days without seeing him. I know these shifts are tiring, but it’s the same excuses for 2 years now and it’s draining me and I haven’t once had one morning in bed to myself or anything like this, while he lays in bed till 1 and lounges about as he pleases.

he often just says well I work or take the bins out occasionally, and will pick up the hoover here and there and that’s enough. I don’t know if I should just expect less as he does work and being at home is technically my job.

It suits him to have you doing all the family and domestic work, he’s using gaslighting, manipulation, and lies in order to get you to back off and continue to keep him. Now he’s sabotaging your return to work, which is a form of financial abuse.

He is not a nice man, he’s an abusive man who’s controlling you and emotionally abusing your daughter through his neglect of her. Honestly, I really think you should make plans to leave in the next few months.

I am a child of this dynamic. My parents eventually split up and my dad realised he had done fuck all to deserve a relationship with me and my sibling. If he wants a relationship with his kids he has to work on it. It is not on you.

So you're both living in a property that you either own or its rented in your name. Does he contribute at all to that mortgage or rent? Or if you are in the enviable position of owning a home outright, does he contribute to ordinary household expenses? How do you manage your finances with him? What kind of job did you have before having your DC? Is it something that you'll be able to go back to while arranging childcare? And if he's not willing to pay nursery costs now, is that likely to change in one year?

I'm not sure what you're saying in terms of you've found new jobs, set up interviews etc. Are these for him or you? And how does that endeavour figure in your calculation as to what's fair or not?

Also, you say that he says he's missing out on spending time with his child by going to work, but then says that he's not bothered and/or the child isn't putting in sufficient energy to make their relationship work! How do you see that playing out for the future?

Poor little girl.

The property is owned by me. So I have offered to go back to work myself, multiple times and found new roles and been offered interviews etc, as like I said I was feeling like I owed him something for being able to be a sahm, but whenever the time came to us discussing it it was just met with the response of wouldn’t pay for the childcare costs.

Please please go back to work.

Your partner works outside the home - unsocial hours, granted, but he works 70 hours per week 26 weeks of the year.

You are on sole parenting duty 168 hours per week, 52 weeks of the year.

It doesn’t feel fair because it isn’t fair.

I understand wanting to be a SAHM, but you do also need to think about your longer term financial security and career aspirations. Do you work in the kind of job where it’s helpful to keep your hand in? Could you work part time?

If your partner won’t pay his fair share and you own the home, would you be better off without him?

Get a job as quickly as possible. It’s a priority

you’re not married. You don’t work. You don’t have sex . You’re resentful nearly . He’s uninterested

youre sitting on a precarious timebomb. With no legal or financial protection when/if you realise and separate

So decide if you’re both in any form of committed relationship.. if you are, and can iron out the issues completely, get married to get legal and financial protection . And whilst you’re at it, get him to pay into a pension for you..bet he ain’t doing that either and you’ll know it when you reach 67.

Also bet it’s his idea not to get married/bother to ask you/ say it’s not necessary…frankly you need to ask yourself what he can offer to you and his child that would make it worth being treated as his unpaid servant

I think it’s also worth adding that we stay in Scotland, there isn’t any tax free childcare or any hours which are free until your child turns 3, which is why that’s when we decided I would return to work as it would remove the costs of childcare.

So you and your daughter have a lodger then?

Not a partner or a father, but someone who pays to live in your house, have his meals cooked and washing done.

Stuff that.

What are your finances like? Do you have a mortgage? If you go back to work as a single parent with a universal credit claim you may get help towards childcare fees and also an income top up. He will have to pay maintenance. You best bet would be to to do an entitledto.co.uk calculation based on you being on your own and roughly what you could earn, then you know where you stand if you chuck him out (which you should).

Well, if the property is owned by you and you alone, you won't have any problem kicking him out. Don't bother marrying him (I'm assuming you own outright) but think hard about what you want from life, now and in the future

I’d be looking for a job so you have financial security and independence. You’re currently lumbered with him with potentially no way out as you can’t support yourself or daughter. As lovely as being a SAHM is, you can’t not have a job and your own money because men just can’t be trusted. There is no way in hell I’d be in a marriage like yours. He’s lazy and a pig.

This man sounds as though he is too good to be on Gods Earth

I sometimes find that when people consider themselves to be laid back. It can be used to used to patronise someone they consider to be uptight. Sorry about the Sixties terms

Your husband is lazy and complacent and just wants to carry on with his comfortable life and he doesn't want change.

I would get some help from Marriage Guidance or Couples therapy

Your little girl sounds a delight and is very lucky to have you as a Mother.

Best Wishes
😻
X

You are a married single parent, and that is famously 100 times harder than being an actual single parent. He doesn't see an 'issue' because he is taking the piss and benefitting endlessly.

It sounds like you can't just leave them to it, because he would just sit on his phone and ignore her and she'd have a miserable time.

I'm sorry OP, this is dire, it will effect Dd's self esteem, and he needs to step up or fuck off.

@KindRubyReader

This. Although with the benefit of not being married I gather, so that’s something.

If you left them to it, he’d also likely get shouty because he’s what, frustrated she doesn’t do what he wants?

Seriously, get some formal advice as to your stance and put the trash out as soon as you can! Future you will thank you for it!

It’s your home!! Pack his bags, leave them on the doorstep and change the locks. He staking the piss big time and you are in the great position of changing the situation with no loss to yourself!

I have to agree with this.

What is his own father like? I cant envisage he was father if the year.