Partner works 7 on / 7 off but does absolutely nothing on his weeks off

[KindRubyReader]

Hello mums, I’m just looking for some opinions on whether this is “ normal “ and what other people’s opinions are.

My partner works long shifts 7 days on, 2pm-12pm. He then has 7 days off. We have a 2 year old. He has never taken her anywhere on his own, as in like planned a day out together taken her to soft play, toddler groups, even just to the park etc. I am a SAHM, so 99% of everything falls on me which I am absolutely fine with. I just see dads out with toddlers and I think it’s sad he doesn’t do that with her? With his shift patterns, he often goes days at a time without seeing her as we’re up and out early and he’s still asleep and when he gets back she’s obviously asleep.

I just feel he doesn’t try to spend quality time with her especially on his 7 days off, he just says she’s like a different child every week. He isn’t able to do bedtime or anything as she won’t settle for him, she’s very much mummy’s girl which I am more than fine with, I love spending time with her and we do everything together, I just wish he made more of an effort on his days off. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

There is no suggestion for any family days out or anything and even if I suggest something I end up doing it on my own anyway. When he is here, I wouldn’t say he’s massively involved, he’ll have a bit of a rough and tumble with her here and there, but he just sits on his phone or PlayStation most of the time with nothing else really going on.

I have brought this up to him, and he just says well she knows I love her and that he’s just laid back about it and doesn’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t know if I’m being unfair or comparing him to others?

reminds me of my kids dad. we are no longer together and he has them EOW. Less stressful cleaning up after just us 3 now.

Make sure you don’t have number 2 with him so you can up and leave more easily if you’d like to someday. Maybe consider going back to work too so you can be financially stable on your own if needs be.

On his weeks off it should be about the three of you doing nice things together; eating together, going out to feed the ducks, playing at the park, maybe a day trip somewhere, at home playing playdoh, making biscuits, anything really but not the set-up you currently have.

Rather than push for him to do something on his own with her, push for the three of you to do things together. He’ll gradually get to know her better and her him and they will become comfortable with each other eventually so that you can one-day leave him to entertain her or put her to bed if you’d like to go out.

Sounds like he needs to be trained at being a dad. Many men do. The good ones get there in the end.

It feels mad to type this sentence: Two-year-olds and adults are different.

"She doesn’t really bother much with him" is a criticism of him, not of the two-year-old.

His rational/ reasoning is shocking- I was waiting for a ‘he’s exhausted’ or the usual but you’ve got it covered is terrible. I don’t know that I agree with get your ducks in a row to leave but I would think a) as a family he need to start doing days out together, b) you need to start finding a way to earn money to be covered and c) you need to start having to be somewhere- parents or a friends house without him

Parenting a toddler is not a 2 way street. One person is a parent with 100% responsibility for building the relationship and one is a toddler who should be cuddled, fed, cared for, adored and taught age appropriately through love, play and healthy and kind boundaries.
op, it is not smart to commit to a sahm life when you don’t like your partner, and he’s not a good partner or dad. You need a plan for earning an income and to start proactively leaving him with her on his own to develop his parenting skills.

You need to nip this in the bud because you will end up resenting him.

His hours aren’t even that bad. He should be getting up mid morning and spending time with you both or doing some chores then at least taking her to the park on his days off.

I used to work shifts around my DH. Was hard because my days off work were spent on DC and chores and his were on himself or basically watching them and doing the school runs if I physically wasn’t there.

Single and happy now.

OP it will be hard for you to work around that schedule but for most women getting a job is the best way out of this. I’d prioritise that. And yes, just go out on his days off sometimes.

Do you actually get anything from this relationship? I would find this a huge reason to separate. Also, if you’re not married be very careful having no income.
How ridiculously childish of him to say a 2 yo isn’t trying at making the relationship work. WTF? What a fucking dickhead. And he’s not “laid back”, he lazy and want to mask it that way.

Well she’s a “mummy’s girl” because he doesn’t bother with her. She doesn’t see him at all half the time then when she doesn’t, he doesn’t interact with her much or take her anywhere. He’s an asshat and you sound like a single mum.

He's not a Father, just a sperm donor.

Bin the "relationship" so he can continue to support you both in these pre school years, but you don't have to live with him.

Doing brutal shifts like this is very bad for his health, and is scientifically proven to shorten life, so perhaps it would be fairer if he stops doing shifts and you work as well.

I’ve never heard this phrase before, but it really is spot on !

With lazy useless cunts like him, all that would happen is that he’d work less, she’d work more, but still be expected to do absolutely everything. You can’t have equality and fairness with a man who thinks a toddler is responsible for a good relationship and that time off is only for playing on his PlayStation like a kid. He needs to go, and OP yes should work but as a single parent. He’s disgusting.

He's upset that she rejects him so avoid the situations where she will say no or ask for you etc...it was the same with my 2yo. Her dad then blamed me and said it was my fault.

Ironically, by the time she was 5, she was a typical daddy's girl!

Yes it is hurtful when your child rejects you, but he needs to realise it's no personal, just a development phase. Can you talk with him and explain this. The more time he spends with her, the more she'll detach from you and want to spend time with him.

Do you think he would be capable of looking after her if you weren’t around?

It's never a good idea to be dependent on a boyfriend, there is no future with this man.
Go back to work, urgently, secure your own home if you don't own the house.

Forget the deadbeat.

Your child will already know her father doesn't want her and will soon be performing trauma behaviour like fawning. She's also being shown every day that women are for serving men. Time to end this.

He is totally shit isn’t he…. I would be finding a job so I had more options and leaving, please do not have any more children with this lazy arse.

What did he expect family life to be like? Dh does 12 hour shifts, four on four off, alternating days and nights. He sometimes goes a few days without seeing dc and he is always happy when he sees them. On his days off he does the school stuff, takes them out sometimes specially so I can have some time without them as I work too and do everything while he is at work due to his long hours.

He does it because he likes our dc and he likes me! Have you discussed it with your partner properly? Find out why he doesn't want to do anything. Is he very tired from his shift pattern (I know dh often is which is why I'm doing the school run today as I know he is exhausted). Does he think he does enough?

He will just put the tv on or go to his mums

He isn’t able to do bedtime or anything as she won’t settle for him, she’s very much mummy’s girl which I am more than fine with, I love spending time with her and we do everything together, I just wish he made more of an effort on his days off. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

I think this part of your post is really important OP. On the one hand you are helping to create the You & DD V DH dynamic, but then complaining that he isn't as involved as you would like. I'm not blaming you for his shortcomings btw, and as a dad he should want to spend more time with DD, but this isn't helping. Start with him doing bedtimes when he's there - she will settle for him eventually, go out if you have to. Make him do some of those 'everythings' that you and DD do together.

Sorry just an update.

I have tried time and time again, to get him to do things with us and 99% or the time he won’t wake up on his days off, he lays in till about 1 most days. If he does come which is rare, he complains he doesn’t want to be there, so I’d rather go on my own half the time.

in terms of bedtime, once again we’ve tried multiple times and he just ends up shouting which I’m not comfortable with, sitting in another room while he loses his patience.

Is he 16? He sounds like it. I’d be going back to work asap to start earning to protect myself. Then inform him as you’re also working he has to step up. If he refuses, there is your answer. If he’s not going to be decent partner and dad, it will be far less disruptive for your DD if you split up sooner rather than later.

Yeah, this is not a relationship, your child will be traumatised by having to live with a man who doesn't want her.
Can you start applying for jobs? The deadbeat will have to contribute to childcare costs.
A happy life is waiting for you and your child, cut the trash loose.

The thing is if he literally doesn't work at all for a whole week then where is your equivalent week where you do absolutely fuck all? If you're a SAHM because he's at work, then you should 'work' the same number of hours as he does?

This has nothing to do with anything but I used to work 11-12 hours a day 5 days a week for 2 years. With no break. I didn't get a whole week off for every week I worked. I got 4 weeks off a year.

You have no plans to work? Why?