Partner works 7 on / 7 off but does absolutely nothing on his weeks off

[KindRubyReader]

Hello mums, I’m just looking for some opinions on whether this is “ normal “ and what other people’s opinions are.

My partner works long shifts 7 days on, 2pm-12pm. He then has 7 days off. We have a 2 year old. He has never taken her anywhere on his own, as in like planned a day out together taken her to soft play, toddler groups, even just to the park etc. I am a SAHM, so 99% of everything falls on me which I am absolutely fine with. I just see dads out with toddlers and I think it’s sad he doesn’t do that with her? With his shift patterns, he often goes days at a time without seeing her as we’re up and out early and he’s still asleep and when he gets back she’s obviously asleep.

I just feel he doesn’t try to spend quality time with her especially on his 7 days off, he just says she’s like a different child every week. He isn’t able to do bedtime or anything as she won’t settle for him, she’s very much mummy’s girl which I am more than fine with, I love spending time with her and we do everything together, I just wish he made more of an effort on his days off. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

There is no suggestion for any family days out or anything and even if I suggest something I end up doing it on my own anyway. When he is here, I wouldn’t say he’s massively involved, he’ll have a bit of a rough and tumble with her here and there, but he just sits on his phone or PlayStation most of the time with nothing else really going on.

I have brought this up to him, and he just says well she knows I love her and that he’s just laid back about it and doesn’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t know if I’m being unfair or comparing him to others?

And a decent amount on his weeks ‘on’ - being a SAHM is a full time job too.

He is a dick!

You need to start long term planning for you and your DD

Especially your DD - if she grows up thinking this is ok she will have massive daddy issues and think men can just do nothing as they work!!! Think of what YOU are teaching her by putting up with this.

Slowly get back into work and eventually into daycare so you can get out of this situation as it isn’t fair on both of you and will have long term consequences for your DD

All the best x

He honestly sounds pathetic and infuriating. Your life would be better without him. Start planning on going back to work etc so you can separate in a better financial position. This will only get worse. Also make sure your contraception is water tight.

The 1950s called looking for your partner.

so he wanted to have a child like a child wants a puppy. Likes the idea but actually doesn't want to put any effort into it. He's not laid back and chill, he is a lazy man who does not want to be a father and has no interest in his child. I have not seen such men changing.

I have split from my husband who worked offshore and basically did fuck all when he came home. Basically drank and slept. I just cracked and left him as the resentment just built up and he was affecting my mental health. My daughter is 8 and he hardly took her out on his own. Couldn’t get up in the mornings to take her to school. I’m better off on my own and much happier. Life’s too short. I warned him plenty times and he eventually told me to like it or lump it. So guess what I did!!

Partner, not husband? So you've given up work for this shitty man without even the protection of marriage? Are you mad @KindRubyReader . Get on the job hunt tomorrow.

Are you worried if you went out for 2 hours he would play his computer games and ignore her for 2 hours. Not change her or feed her or play with her?

When do you get your time off?

He's putting in the level of effort I would expect if he were her teenage brother, at the laziest, most selfish stage of development, OP. Nothing like a father.

She knows that he loves her? How would she know this if he shows her no interest?

I’d say to him that she almost certainly does not know that he loves her.

Did he even want to be a parent?

It's not a 2 way street, she's 2!
Your daughter deserves better. Why are you with him? What an absolute looser he is. That's no dad.
He's never taken her to the park? That's disgraceful.
He has an entire week off but chooses to ignore his child. If he's there half the time he has no excuse of why she won't settle for him, it's because he's not bothered and wants you to do it.

Putting equal blame on her like she’s and adult doesn’t make sense. That’s not how parenting works.

I had a husband like this the only difference being I worked full time as a nurse. I got rid, I couldn't see the point of him.

Have you asked him how he would like his child to feel about him in the future?

Ask him how he thinks a relationship is built with children, if it isn’t by spending time.

What's his thoughts on your time off to relax and let the other parent take the strain for a night?
If he was getting a talking too by his boss, his answer couldn't be " I'm laid back" to complaints to his work ethic.
Just cause that's his answer, doesn't mean you have to accept it as ok

You need to walk out the house and leave him to it some days. Choose some of those 7 days off as your days off. If nothing changes (most likely wont) use that time to plan to leave.

For the majority of history men have been that way… they work and expect all childrearing to be done by the women. Even when the women worked too (most working class women since the dawn of time) the men expected they would also handle house and babies.

It doesn’t surprise me that lots of men fall into the pattern their ancestors did. Was he ever particularly enthusiastic about children for the children or just happy to go along?

I remember my ex hanging up his work boots and signing off sick. He said I'm going to sit on my arse like you have for years. I'd raised four children and I still worked. He worked away for months came home and expected to be waited on. I woke up one morning and thought fuck this. There ends the story. I'm happy and single now.

and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

What does that even mean in this context? He thinks your toddler is equally responsible for maintaining their relationship? If so, this is an astoundingly stupid man.

How on earth did you respond to that?

Never mind during his week off, what about when he's working? Assume he is home in bed between 1 - 2am, has eight hours sleep, he should be available to join family activities between 10am and 1pm, when presumably he leaves for work.

Why would your daughter spend time with him? She has him figured out better than you.

He works. OK, so if he was single, what, he just wouldn't? Who would do his housework then?

He's a lazy waster.

Get a job, put dd in childcare a few days and get your lived on track. Childcare with paid staff who act like they want to spend time with your child is better for her self esteem.

Why should she? He can find something else to do with his dd!

He can come out with the 2 of you together, to begin with. It'll be nice to spend time together, and if he's nervous of being on his own (yes, he's her dad, but that doesn't mean he isn't nervous, and change has to start somewhere), he can watch what you do. If he won't try, that's a problem.
A lot of parenting becomes automatic. It's not hard, but it is something we learn through repetition, so observing you to begin with would be good, then gradulaly get him to do more.
Don't fall into the she prefers mummy trap. Kids go through phases preferring one parent, but it's really important both do stuff.
Why not encourage him to go out with her with friends/other family as he gets more confident? It would give you a break, let your kid socialise with family and possibly play with other kids as she gets older, and he might prefer it.