Partner works 7 on / 7 off but does absolutely nothing on his weeks off

[KindRubyReader]

Hello mums, I’m just looking for some opinions on whether this is “ normal “ and what other people’s opinions are.

My partner works long shifts 7 days on, 2pm-12pm. He then has 7 days off. We have a 2 year old. He has never taken her anywhere on his own, as in like planned a day out together taken her to soft play, toddler groups, even just to the park etc. I am a SAHM, so 99% of everything falls on me which I am absolutely fine with. I just see dads out with toddlers and I think it’s sad he doesn’t do that with her? With his shift patterns, he often goes days at a time without seeing her as we’re up and out early and he’s still asleep and when he gets back she’s obviously asleep.

I just feel he doesn’t try to spend quality time with her especially on his 7 days off, he just says she’s like a different child every week. He isn’t able to do bedtime or anything as she won’t settle for him, she’s very much mummy’s girl which I am more than fine with, I love spending time with her and we do everything together, I just wish he made more of an effort on his days off. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

There is no suggestion for any family days out or anything and even if I suggest something I end up doing it on my own anyway. When he is here, I wouldn’t say he’s massively involved, he’ll have a bit of a rough and tumble with her here and there, but he just sits on his phone or PlayStation most of the time with nothing else really going on.

I have brought this up to him, and he just says well she knows I love her and that he’s just laid back about it and doesn’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t know if I’m being unfair or comparing him to others?

I’m so sorry OP. You need to get back to work asap and work towards a better future for you and DD. She’s going to have serious issues from living with a ‘father’ who doesn’t want her.

Would you really happily leave your toddler with a man who has shown no interest or capability in parenting in his child's entire life? Leaving him to it won't force him to parent, he'll do a shite job and the person that will suffer is the child

DH used to work long shifts 4/5 in a row mix of nights and days and then have 4/5 days off. When he worked if on days would be gone before the kids got up and get back after bedtime and when on nights he would come home and sleep and then only be around a little bit before going to work at tea time.

However on the days he did not work he did playschool runs, housework, childcare, bedtimes and whatever else needed to happen. if he was in the house then everything was 50/50, obviously when he was at work I did it but there was no 'I work so you have to do everything' he wanted to play with the kids or take them to the park or help sort the house out.

Raising children is work. That's why it costs a fortune to get someone else to do what the OP is doing.

HTH

The poster means employment. Crucial for legally single women, she needs the security of employment so she's not dependent on the deplorable man.

He’s saying ‘it’s a two way street’ about a two year old? FFS! He’s not going to change, so you may as well accept it or LTB. Useless knobhead.

He works on week on and one week off you say;perfect then you bin him off and you can do the 50/50 custody thing as he doesn’t have an excuse not to and you can have a life and get back to your career.

Did he want to have children? Did you discuss it? It certainly doesn’t seem like he wants any part of family life. Are you thinking about going back to work anytime soon?

So his job is 2- midnight and he does nothing on his days off, he thinks you don't work so does he think Mary Poppins lives in your attic?? He needs to have a full day looking after Dd, then he'd know how bloody hard you work, he's a selfish man child

What? A two way street?! Between an adult man and a 2 year old? God he sounds pathetic. That's like saying I haven't planned any days out with her because she hasn't planned any with me. Or, because she hasn't come running gleefully into my arms, so she's not encouraging the relationship.

Laid back is not the same as lazy. He is lazy and unengaged. She pays him title attention as a reflection of his ignoring of her. You get back what you put in which in his case is nothing much at all. He is wrong to assume his daughter hasn’t noticed.
He needs a kick up the arse and if that doesn’t work a kick out of the door and goodbye.

When I think of my lovely friend with 3 kids who literally times her whole life with her kids around her 12 hour shifts at a hospital, this man makes me sick to my stomach. She does things like gets home having left the house 13 hours before and been awake all night in an intense environment, showers, and takes them to school despite it being on her husbands route, just so she can spend 20 mins with them and hear about their evening before. She then comes straight home annd goes to sleep as quickly as possible so that she’s awake for them getting home/their dinner before going back to work. That’s what a parent who works long hard shifts does! Imagine having no interest or curiosity or empathy for your own baby and partner. No desire to squeeze out connection and memories from the time you have with them. Even sitting and eating a beige dinner with your toddler or walking them to the shop for a load of bread is part of connecting with them. These types of men are the absolute worst.

You know when the shit hits the fan, he’ll be as much use as a chocolate teapot. Actually I take that back, if I had a chocolate teapot I’d eat it in front of the telly and enjoy it with my kids. This man is just a nothing. Waste of fucking space.

. I often say like you’ve not really gone anywhere near her, and his response is well it’s a 2 way street?

Does he really think a toddler should be “making an effort” to get to know him??

My ex was a fireman, with a 4 on/4 off rota. The first 2 days were day shifts which he was awake for at least, but the night shifts mainly guaranteed him a full nights sleep. He’d come home from the “night shift “ and did nothing to help me after I’d been up throughout the night with my baby. Then he’d toddle off again for another “night shift “. What a hero. He could’ve helped me but couldn’t be arsed.

She won't bother with him if he doesn't bother with her. He's the fucking adult in all this. I'm fuming for you. What a pathetic man child!!

His shifts sound brutal and naturally even on the off week he will need a day or two to recalibrate. But you are right and yanbu. He needs to make an effort to commit to taking her to the park even just once a fortnight for one hour. Guarantee if he did he will want to do it more and more because he will enjoy it. But essentially all you can do is tell him once or twice then the rest is up to him. He will have to pay the price of the type of relationship he has with his daughter and how she sees him.

It's a two way street is a pathetic comment from him to be honest.

Should the OP then be providing 50% of the financial resources for the family on those weeks?

I agree with others in that you need to start planning an exit. Might take months, even years (i have friends who have done this) but you need a plan. Get a job, get some money behind u, then take him to the cleaners. He wont change and your child will grow up feeling unloved by him.

OP can't take him to the cleaners, at most he'd have to pay child maintenance for every night he doesn't bother parenting his kid.

I can’t get over the two way street comment. As if his daughter is his peer. I wouldn’t expect a father to say that about his daughter even if she were 22, let alone 2.

Yeah, like his two year old should be asking after his football team and his PlayStation winning streaks.

@KindRubyReader really, what is he even for? Do you need his money or could you earn your own? He sounds an absolute waste of space and I imagine you and your daughter would be much happier living elsewhere without him.

Time to start planning days out the house for yourself and leaving them to it, a bedtime especially. If you split up do you think he’ll want custody? Event every other weekend because it’s better to make sure he can do an overnight now that just sending her away then and he’s never done one.
In terms of comparison I have a paramedic husband. In his shift pattern he works a 75 hour week and then gets 10 days off then a 60hr week then gets 5 days off. Every single one of those days he does every school and nursery run, every bedtime, plans family days for the weekends and insists I go out for dinner with my friends at least once in each period otherwise have an early night with my book. And honestly I love him but I don’t think he’s anything incredible (although the way some of my friends act you’d think he was god 😂) I think he’s just a good dad the same as I’m a good mum when I do everything on his work days.
Only difference is because he doesn’t see the kids in his work days he comfortable leaving them for multiple overnights for stag dos etc where as I don’t because I see them every day even my work days but other than that I’d say we align on everything

Either he needs to step up and start parenting her or if he can’t look after his own child for 2 hours surely it’s time to think what are you doing with this man?

couldn’t waste my energy on someone like this .

So, when do you get any free time? Why are you being treated like the help?