Would you be hurt?

[boymam25]

Looking for honest opinions. For context, I would consider myself a very good friend. I've been friends with "Mary" over 20 years. We were childhood friends and inseparable through our teenaged years. Fast forward to now, I'm married with 2 little boys, 5 and 1. Mary was one of my bridesmaids in 2020 and although we have grown into very different people, we still have a strong bond. Mary got married this year. Last year, she bought a house with her fiancé about 45 minutes from me. I drove over with a present (upon invitation). She later told me that she had 3 bridesmaids picked for the wedding and that she was "very happy" with who she had. I wasn't one of them. Put my big girl pants on, didn't react or anything and stayed composed telling myself it was nothing personal. She chose her brother's wife over me. Anyway, it hurt but I tried to move on. Then again, drove to her house before the wedding between my 8 month old's naps to gift her a designer handbag and 300 euro for her wedding. Went to wedding. Then her sister-in-law (same one who was her bridesmaid) had her baby over 2 weeks ago and she only told me this morning after I tentatively sent a message saying that I hope Mum and baby were OK? I feel like an afterthought. And a doormat. Would you think this person just doesn't want to be your friend? Am I a total idiot? Thanks.

Sorry OP but it sounds as though she has moved on in her life and she no longer sees you as a close friend

Good Morning Greetings Original Commenter, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this with your long time friend🫂 I don't feel you're being unreasonable at all & I completely comprehend & empathise with how you're feeling & also though it's difficult to bring this to your friend, I think it wouldn't hurt to let her know how disappointed you are -
True friendships should be able to discuss everything & you evidently are a compassionate, kind caring friend who considers others feelings, so you deserve the same respect -
Friendships are meant to be a two way street & open communication between friends isn't an unfair or unrealistic expectation -
I really wish all the utmost very best of outcomes & I hope you will soon be able to sort this out with your friend so you feel much better & enlightened too🫂

Sister in law is family and there may well be family expectations driving her being a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t assume she’s besties with her.

I think you're being weird. You were close enough to have her as your bridesmaid in 2020, but from what you say, your lives have moved in very different directions since, especially since you've had two children. There's no expectation of reciprocity in bridesmaiding, and most people with a baby and a young child would probably be relieved not to be asked!

I'm not sure where you're going with the listing of the presents you gave her -- presumably she also gave you a wedding present, and probably presents when your children were born...?

And why would she tell you about the birth of her SIL's baby as some kind of matter of priority? Surely if you were close to the SIL, she'd have told you herself? If no, why do you mind about the birth of a baby to someone you don't know?

You’ve drifted apart a bit as you are in a different life stage with your two children, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends still? She may well reconnect when she has her kids and you have more in common again.

Nothing in your post suggests she doesn't want you as a friend. It does however suggest you have an issue with her closeness to her new SIL and statements such as 'she chose her over you' just sounds like jealousy - she didn't choose her over you, she just chose her. Sounds like you're struggling to adapt to the changes in her life.

This.

Why would you be remotely interested in your friends sister in laws baby?

She's moved on. Your feelings about this friendship are stronger than hers. Maybe they always were but in the fun years of youth, without any outside influences or responsibilities, you just didn't notice. She wants to make a nuclear unit with her "new" family and basically start a new life. You aren't a part of that life, or at least not the inner sanctum. This is incredibly common (dare I say especially amongst women), so don't beat yourself up. It's time to move on.

I wasn't even invited to my best friend's wedding. At that point we lived a bit of a distance away. It was a small wedding, and she prioritised friends that were closer geographically.

We are still best friends.

It's up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. It doesn't have to be.

This. I don’t understand how this is a slight.

I do think we kind of need to normalise friendships moving on. It doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t genuine, just that it isn’t where you are now. I had my children late in life and so many of my friends had children aged 5-10 when I was grappling with newborns and at that point found I made friends with other women with babies. As my children have got older we’ve reconnected a bit. But in some cases we haven’t, and that’s OK too.

I would consider it a win to not be asked to be a bridesmaid 😆

I think this is a reach. The OP asked 'Mary' to be her bridesmaid when they were both single and childfree and closer. Since then the OP has had two children, and 'Mary' has made other friends, including, presumably, her SIL -- the OP herself admits they've 'grown into very different people'. I don't see any indication Mary no longer wants to be friends with the OP, only that the OP seems weirdly jealous of Mary's SIL, whom she seems to see as a rival.

I've been there OP.

A childhood friend had always told me I'd be maid of honour then she asked someone else. I accepted they were closer now. I was under the impression, because it's what she told me, that she wasn't having bridesmaids. Found out on the day she was, she did, and I was devastated.

But you know what OP, by the time I got married she was barely invited, I realised what she already had, that we were growing apart. I think some people go with people they've known a long time and others go with whoever is a current close friend. It's hard pill to swallow but swallow it you must. Invest in other friendships now.

WTF is this?

Is the baby daddy her friend's brother?
So is therefore the friend's niece?
I think childhood friends when you know the family this would be upsetting.

I remember when a childhood friend's sister had a baby I was invited round almost immediately as I was considered family.

It looks, and reads like AI. We might as well get used to it, seeing as it is everywhere, and being relied on heavily for the most simple of things, such as compiling fridge lists.

I'm assuming AI?

Thanks to everyone for their input. I really appreciate it. I can't figure out how to respond to each post... I probably am a bit jealous though. And insecure, despite trying to fight it. I've always had a romantic ideal of what a friendship looks like and it hasn't served me very well. The thing about the SIL's baby is that we would have been in touch about it and I would have asked how she was keeping , etc. Then not even a thought to tell me baby had arrived over 2 weeks ago. We used to be a close knit kind of community growing up quite rurally so it's "big" news. Could be a cultural difference, no idea. Or could be a me difference, lol 😆

The thing about the presents was just to try to show how much effort I was making for her. Driving to her house, picking out a designer bag and then a generous contribution as a gift.

You're annoyed she didn't tell you immediately that a woman you don't know well or like had a baby?
Or you're still jealous that she picked that woman as a bridesmaid?

You really should try and move on.

Nobody forced you to give her a designer bag or 300 euro. If you can't afford to give that then you shouldn't have. You can't buy people's affection.

You're not a doormat. You're a normal person whose friend didn't pick her as a bridesmaid. But kindly invited you to her presumably not inexpensive wedding.

It happens to millions of people all the time and to fall out over it would be monumentally childish.

You’ve said your lives have changed and you’ve grown into very different people - so it’s likely she no longer really remembers the community of two decades ago and that it would have been the norm to announce the birth of a baby that wasn’t your own to the wider community, particularly if her relatives and more recent friends don’t tend to do this. Both of my brothers have had babies recently and I only told friends when it came up in conversation when we next met, no announcements. I’d see this less as a snub and more just a symptom of changed lifestyles.

Is it likely she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid because of where you were in life at the time? I probably wouldn’t pick as a bridesmaid somebody with two small children, one only a baby of a few months old - organising a hen do, helping with wedding planning, then being away from the baby for much of the wedding day itself is a big ask of someone, and asking in itself can place pressure on a friend to begrudgingly accept.

Not ai whatsoever just genuine compassion for someone who is obviously upset by a long-term friend!

It sounds like you think you're closer than she thinks you are. She isn't doing anything wrong but I'd definitely readjust the effort you put into the friendship and invest your time elsewhere.

I wouldn't have expected a friend to tell me about their sil's baby though.

No not ai just because someone genuinely puts themselves in someone else's shoes doesn't mean it must be ai for goodness sake, open your mind!