Why does friend always need to change the plans when I make the booking ?

[poshwellyboot]

every time I have plans with friend B and I make the booking - which is not that often - there is always something that inevitably needs changing for the booking due to B changing plans. I have booked restaurants in the past, that B has agreed we will go - most of these are our usual places - then B changes the plans so I have to unbook. We are due to see each other this Friday, I have booked a place that we agreed on .. B is now needing to change the plans and I have to undo the booking AGAIN. This seems to always happen when I make the booking. I never have a need to change plans and therefore the booking, when she has placed the booking. I am getting a bit fed up with it tbh.

AIBU ?

I want to say to B ''it seems that every time I make the booking you have a need to change the plans and I have to unbook/change the booking''. I wouldn't say that as I find it too confrontational

It’s a form of avoidance. She doesn’t like your suggestion but doesn’t come right out and say it. Instead she finds a way to get her own way.

I have a friend who does this. She can’t be direct about anything. She will make something up to avoid saying no or telling someone straight. She gets offended if told no.

There are posts on MN where someone doesn’t want to do something and people will suggest doing this. Telling a stupid lie rather than saying no or I don’t
want to.

My friend physically winces when you give her a straight no or say you don’t want to do something. Even when it isn’t personal. Both her and her husband bicker and argue incessantly because she can’t say no or take no for an answer even over the most trivial things.

Do you always go to places that require booking and don't take walk-ins? Next time, just say let's go to such a place but don't book it. And then, when she wants to change it, you haven't booked it in the first place. Or, if you agree to go somewhere, let her book it, and if she changes her mind, she is the one who cancels.

B is a control freak. Let her make all the plans. It's less work for you.

This will solve the problem, so long as you like all her choices.

Next time she does it send her the number of the restaurant and say, OK, call and cancel the original table when you're done please. (And if she asks you to do it, you don't have time that day.)

I have a friend who does this. The last time I went to see her, she text me when I was one my way, and said she’d be late as she was online trying to book tickets for Oasis. When she did turn up, she still hadn’t managed it. She then took me to do her weekly shop, met up with a friend in the street with whom she had a long chat and didn’t introduce me. We go for a quick coffee, and back to hers. She then phones her husband, her sons, and makes a cheesecake as they were having people over for dinner. I stood around like a twat. We went for a dog walk, then she phoned her husband again, checked for tickets again, and then I went home. I really wasn’t quite sure wtf had been going on, but it felt rude, and performative. I didn’t feel she was able to give me a moment of her attention. Yet she arranged this date at her convenience.

Why did you stay for all this?

Next time a plan is forming, tell her, 'You might as well book from now on seeing as I've had to cancel restaurants several times when I've booked them.'
I suspect she'll throw her toys out of the pram about it.

If you want to bother keeping her as a friend and don't want to hurt her fragile ego just tell her she can make all the plans in future, she's so much better at it, she'll,soon back down but I wouldn't bother booking anything again.

Agree with PP's who suggest leaving the booking to her.
If you were really keen to make the point, you might consider changing your mind, but that's probably overkill...I suspect that the process will stall at the stage when the responsibility passes back to her.

It depends. If it's to do with health or something else genuine like her partner/babysitter's plans change unavoidably/her work is irregular and she can't refuse to work overtime at short notice, I'd say it's fair enough, but I would say "Lena, can you do the booking in future, because you know my work hours and yours seem to constantly change, which I get, but it's better if you take charge of planning until your job settles down".
If she just decides she doesn't like where you've booked/has decided to get her hair done on a whim, that's rude, and I'd not bother seeing her as much.

I'd stop making plans with her and tell her why. Is she controlling?

This is my SIL - whatever we have organised with her 2 DC (we also have 2 DC similar ages), a couple of days beforehand I get the call- they can't do this now because of plans with her side of the family, so we have to do that, change times, drop offs, blah blah blah. Every time. It's just a control thing. Having her DC for the weekend was a privilege and I had to dance to her tune for it to happen. Note they never had our DC.

What would happens if you say: “no, it’s my turn to choose this time, I already booked A. You’ll have to cancel the booking for B?”

It doesn't seem to be work or babysitting or anything; the OP says she'll just say ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change'.

I’d add book it under her name so you’re not associated with last minute cancellations if it’s somewhere you like and want to return to.

I have a friend like this. I think she's just very used to pleasing herself and that I'm a bit too easy going. One day my silent, 'fuck's sake' is going to burst out of me but to date I've kept it in.

@poshwellyboot reply with "Sorry Controlling Friend, but I'd rather stick with our original plans, so we'll meet at <time and place you've booked> as arranged."
Then step back and watch the steam come out of her ears/your phone...

Stop booking things. Let her do it.

I feel this - me too and it will come out very loudly when I do say it,

Then you respond 'we agreed on restaurant A and it's already booked, so let's go to restaurant A'.

"I want to say to B ''it seems that every time I make the booking you have a need to change the plans and I have to unbook/change the booking''. I wouldn't say that as I find it too confrontational"
Time to put your big girl pants on and get confrontational. Because if you do what you've always done (acquiesce), you'll get what you always got (pushed around). The change starts with you.

I’m dealing with a version of this, but the plan always has to be tweaked to death during the planning stage. My suggestions of venue and time are never acceptable and have to be changed. The most recent one was a small favour I asked (I never ask for favours, this was an emergency), which she proceeded to tweak so much it was unusable as a favour. I made alternative arrangements that didn’t involve her, whereas I never push back on the social things, and her reaction told me everything. Absolute outrage that I wasn’t accepting her suggestion, and that I wasn’t ‘compromising’, which seems to just mean agreeing to what she wants.

I’m over it tbh, friendship shouldn’t be that hard.

Many places these days ask you to enter card details and you will be charged if you cancel within a window. Can you mention this to her and ask her to not make other recs once you have already made bookings? Surely you both agree to where you are eating before the reservation is made?

Is it possible you could be a premature booker?

I have a friend who wants to book things six years in advance, based on just a vague 'we could go to x' conversation.

It annoys me because we end up booking the first thing mentioned as she's in such a rush. Then I don't always look forward to going.

You have agreed with posters who have said they've experienced similar, but not with anyone suggesting what you can actually do to change things.

Do you even want things to change @poshwellyboot?