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Original poster

Why does friend always need to change the plans when I make the booking ?

85 replies

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:34

every time I have plans with friend B and I make the booking - which is not that often - there is always something that inevitably needs changing for the booking due to B changing plans. I have booked restaurants in the past, that B has agreed we will go - most of these are our usual places - then B changes the plans so I have to unbook. We are due to see each other this Friday, I have booked a place that we agreed on .. B is now needing to change the plans and I have to undo the booking AGAIN. This seems to always happen when I make the booking. I never have a need to change plans and therefore the booking, when she has placed the booking. I am getting a bit fed up with it tbh.

AIBU ?

I want to say to B ''it seems that every time I make the booking you have a need to change the plans and I have to unbook/change the booking''. I wouldn't say that as I find it too confrontational

OP posts:
Original poster
poshwellyboot · Yesterday 10:53

Minasama · Yesterday 10:45

Some people have a pathological need to be in control and in charge.

One of my friends always, always wants me to offer dates for meeting up. She will never offer me dates. It’s so she can have the final decision and isn’t in any way left at the mercy of what others decide. One time I left a weekend away in a group a day early without telling her in advance and she went utterly batshit and refused to speak to me for six months. She’s just a bit damaged.

We have someone in our neighbours group who always, always needs to change the date of the pub meetup. Again it’s about control. It makes me laugh now I’ve come to expect it.

Some people have a pathological need to be in control and in charge .. it’s so she can have the final decision and isn’t in any way left at the mercy of what others decide

THIS .. TOTALLY THIS

OP posts:
Shedmistress · Yesterday 10:54

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:48

she is not cancelling, rather she has an alternative suggestion to what we agreed eg I booked restaurant A, which we will have both agreed on, and nearer the time she then says ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change. She will book D, but then I have to cancel A.

I am getting fed up with changing the bookings .. which I am now having to do for Fridays booking I have made

Take someone else to restaurant A and just say 'No, we agreed on A so if you can't make it I'll go with B'.

TwitchyNibbles · Yesterday 10:55

PressedThistle · Yesterday 09:51

So say "Let's stick with A, I really fancy pizza/curry/whatever. But D looks good, maybe we can go there next time."

Stop letting her get away with it!

Show quote history

This is what I would do. And tell her to book the next one.

PinkyFlamingo · Yesterday 10:58

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:48

she is not cancelling, rather she has an alternative suggestion to what we agreed eg I booked restaurant A, which we will have both agreed on, and nearer the time she then says ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change. She will book D, but then I have to cancel A.

I am getting fed up with changing the bookings .. which I am now having to do for Fridays booking I have made

But you don't need to change the booking! You're just being a pushover and letting her dominate you.

want to say to B ''it seems that every time I make the booking you have a need to change the plans and I have to unbook/change the booking''. I wouldn't say that as I find it too confrontational

Oh grow a pair! Otherwise things will never change.

Arlanymor · Yesterday 10:58

You either tell her that you want to stick to the original plan, or tell her that if she changes it she has to make the new booking AND cancel the old one. If she wants to change any part of your plans - and you're content for those changes - then she can do all of the legwork.

PlacidPenelope · Yesterday 11:00

I want to say to B ''it seems that every time I make the booking you have a need to change the plans and I have to unbook/change the booking''. I wouldn't say that as I find it too confrontational

For goodness sake say it, it is not conftontational.

You have choices:

Say nothing and keep booking and changing bookings and being irritated/annoyed/resentful you have to do so.

Ask your friend why she constantly changes the plans you have made leading to you having to change bookings.

Refuse to book anything for your meet ups, leave it all to her and tell her since she always changes what you have booked it is best she does all the bookings from now on.

When your friend suggests changing the venue, say No I have already booked X as agreed.

I think you will just stay silent though because you are mistaking being confrontational with just speaking up which if she is really a friend you would have no problem doing. Friends are supposed to be able to talk and discuss things.

JESSICAASHLEY · Yesterday 11:04

You have two options...

  1. refuse to book anything and say 'you book as you always change it last minute'
  2. or if you do book it when she inevitably asks to change it say 'No that doesn't work for me, I want to go to X that we agreed on'
PlacidPenelope · Yesterday 11:05

Some people have a pathological need to be in control and in charge .. it’s so she can have the final decision and isn’t in any way left at the mercy of what others decide
THIS .. TOTALLY THIS

And you are content to go along with it because you won't address it so just carry on as you are no need to come on here and moan about it you don't want to change it.

CooperCopperCapper · Yesterday 11:09

“Sorry B, I really fancy going to this place but we can book your suggestion for next time”

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · Yesterday 11:13

This would drive me mad. I think it’s a control thing? I have a friend who I’ve naturally started seeing less as she always tries to control every aspect of the environment we meet and feels uncomfortable going along with a plan unless she has made it. It’s not relaxing being around someone like that

AutumnOakTree · Yesterday 11:18

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:48

she is not cancelling, rather she has an alternative suggestion to what we agreed eg I booked restaurant A, which we will have both agreed on, and nearer the time she then says ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change. She will book D, but then I have to cancel A.

I am getting fed up with changing the bookings .. which I am now having to do for Fridays booking I have made

You heed to toughen up and say that the booking is made and you’re not going to change it.

I agree it’s a subtle way of undermining you.

JJkate · Yesterday 11:22

I used to know someone like this. She also would get everyone to move seats and tables several times. Massive pain in the arse and very self involved.

Headflip · Yesterday 11:24

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:48

she is not cancelling, rather she has an alternative suggestion to what we agreed eg I booked restaurant A, which we will have both agreed on, and nearer the time she then says ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change. She will book D, but then I have to cancel A.

I am getting fed up with changing the bookings .. which I am now having to do for Fridays booking I have made

I'd laugh and say what again? I've booked it now, let's stick with this, you can organise that next time.

OneMintWasp · Yesterday 11:26

Its a need to be in control, they may not even be consious of it. My MIL (possibly FIL too but hard to know his level of involvement) do this all the time. If it is a meet up that is their idea they dictate every aspect of it and us making a suggestion about any part of it they will take offence to. If it is the other way round and I invite them to our house, just before the event something about it will be changed (the time, location, food we are eating, they will even extend invite to others) . If we are meeting at SILs hpuse and they dont have control they will do something like get there 15 mins before we arrive and suggest they all go for a drink in the local pub and message us so we have to meet them there instead of at SILs. Anything to ensure they are calling at least some shots!!

cordeliavorkosigan · Yesterday 11:26

You could also just not make any booking. Passive aggressive, but at least it anticipates the change! Then if she ever did want to go to the first planned place you'd have to tell her great, please book that. If she pushes back just say you didn't book as you didn't want to have to unbook again.

Original poster
poshwellyboot · Yesterday 11:54

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · Yesterday 11:13

This would drive me mad. I think it’s a control thing? I have a friend who I’ve naturally started seeing less as she always tries to control every aspect of the environment we meet and feels uncomfortable going along with a plan unless she has made it. It’s not relaxing being around someone like that

THIS too

OP posts:
Original poster
poshwellyboot · Yesterday 11:55

OneMintWasp · Yesterday 11:26

Its a need to be in control, they may not even be consious of it. My MIL (possibly FIL too but hard to know his level of involvement) do this all the time. If it is a meet up that is their idea they dictate every aspect of it and us making a suggestion about any part of it they will take offence to. If it is the other way round and I invite them to our house, just before the event something about it will be changed (the time, location, food we are eating, they will even extend invite to others) . If we are meeting at SILs hpuse and they dont have control they will do something like get there 15 mins before we arrive and suggest they all go for a drink in the local pub and message us so we have to meet them there instead of at SILs. Anything to ensure they are calling at least some shots!!

and THIS

OP posts:
HisStericalTestes · Yesterday 11:57

I have an old friend who has mental health issues who does this. I think it is a form of control so that she feels she is important to the point where I will amend it to suit her. So as an example there is usually something to do with her church that "might" become an issue (which really should not be a priority thing, something very minor that could wait or someone else do) just to let me know she has other things going on. It is quite harmless but does make me roll my eyes.

Mossyfox · Yesterday 12:00

poshwellyboot · Yesterday 09:48

she is not cancelling, rather she has an alternative suggestion to what we agreed eg I booked restaurant A, which we will have both agreed on, and nearer the time she then says ''lets go to restaurant D' for a change. She will book D, but then I have to cancel A.

I am getting fed up with changing the bookings .. which I am now having to do for Fridays booking I have made

Tell her to book in future. If she doesn't bother then don't make any more plans with her.

JanBlues2026 · Yesterday 12:06

if there is a next time, before you book I would say just double checking we’ve settled on this place and you’re not going to have me fannying about changing it at the last minute again

coolmum123 · Yesterday 12:15

Hi,
you mentioned that you dont book often when you both meet up so how many times have you had to unbook?
I would think about aggreeing a place not bothering to book it and then when she comes back say oh - completely forgot / got busy and havent booked, do you mind doing it? See what happens.

Disappointedcruiser · Yesterday 12:17

I have a very dear friend who does this - nothing is fixed until it is actually happening so meeting at 1pm becomes 1:45 and could we just pop in and see Giles, he would love to see you and I need to drop off this thing. And so on. Drives me mad too.

Original poster
poshwellyboot · Yesterday 12:31

@coolmum123 she seems to prefer to book e.g we will arrange to meet and agree where (usually suggested by her more often than not) then the next thing I know is she is saying ''all booked for X time on X date'', before I have even had chance to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshwellyboot · Yesterday 12:40

Disappointedcruiser · Yesterday 12:17

I have a very dear friend who does this - nothing is fixed until it is actually happening so meeting at 1pm becomes 1:45 and could we just pop in and see Giles, he would love to see you and I need to drop off this thing. And so on. Drives me mad too.

she takes you with her while she runs all her errands across town ?!

OP posts:
Lozlegs · Yesterday 12:51

CanterThroughChaos · Yesterday 09:52

It’s control and seeing how compliant you will be. I had a friend who did this, I get stressed and anxious when plans change last minute so I eventually had to cut her off to protect my peace.

yep, its a control thing, who is dominant etc, stop playing.