AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

Ive never really enjoyed sharing a bed or even a room with someone else. A few years ago my partners snoring got so bad I thought I might die from exhaustion, I was getting next to no sleep, with him snoring and me having tinnitus. He now sleeps in a room we sound-proofed! I still have insomnia and exhaustion but at least it's not his fault anymore!

In the old days couples had twin beds - it was so common. www.theguardian.com/books/2019/aug/16/rolled-over-why-did-married-couples-stop-sleeping-in-twin-beds

DH and I sleep in different rooms and have done so for over 10yrs. He snores like an asthmatic warthog and keeps different hours to me, so coming to bed a couple of hours after me, waking me up by trying to tiptoe around the room in the dark, fidgeting to get comfy then snoring, stopped me getting any decent sleep. I'm used to it now, although occasionally if I'm feeling sad, company would be nice until I fall asleep, then he could move to his room 😀

Clearly it does work well for some people. I think sleeping in separate rooms is fine if both partners want that, and if you can still be as emotionally and sexually close as you both want to be without sharing a bed.

It’s not something I’d want for myself as I just like sharing a bed. I’m not a great sleeper in general but I do usually sleep better with DP than I do on my own; I don’t know why. Even his snoring doesn’t bother me.

DH and I are in our 40s. We've slept in separate rooms for the last 5 years. He snores and twitches in his sleep. My sleep has got 'delicate'.

I much prefer it. Intimacy isn't a problem as we've never been bedtime or early morning sex people and I've never been able to sleep whilst cuddling. I'll often get in with him when I wake up.

When we made the change our cleaner said most of her clients sleep separately.

Personally I can’t imagine anything worse than going to sleep alone and waking up alone in an empty bed. I’d much rather have cuddles and intimacy on tap and risk being woken up by snoring than to have separate beds and schedule a timeframe for sex.

We stopped sharing a bed in 2004 due to DH insomnia and stopped sharing a room in 2009 - though DH would always move to the spare room halfway through the night before then. We both sleep much better separately and since having DC we're on quite different schedules anyway. There's a book called Sleeping Apart, Not Falling Apart, which I think sums it up nicely.

I'm fascinated by the people asking about lack of intimacy or cuddles. For me, bedsharing was hugely stressful - DH would fall asleep quickly, I'd cling uncomfortably to the side of the bed furthest away from him and try not to move or breathe for the next hour of wakefulness, as I needed to do a fair bit of moving around in order to go to sleep. I would twitch or move, it would disturb DH who would wake up and complain and we'd both feel stressed until he went to sleep on the sofa partway through the night. I used to dread bedtimes. I can bedshare with DC with no issues.

That's not even remotely true. 😆

I think you're confusing humans with otters or meerkats! 😂

!

No the rich slept separately, they had their own sitting rooms attached

But sleeping in separate beds/bedrooms does not automatically equal a lack of intimacy. I can see how people who have always shared a bed may think that, but it's not true. Not for everyone anyway. Indeed, as this thread illustrates, many couples have found that sleeping separately benefits their marriage/relationship. Mainly because they are getting better sleep, which equals better health, and a happier marriage.

Many posters have said that their husband snores, and sprawls out across the bed, nicks the duvet, and pokes and prods her in the night etc, and she suffers from a lack of sleep because of it. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, and it can be devastating to your health. (Mental health and physical health.)

Also, lots of couples have different needs when it comes to temperature. As I said earlier, I sleep better with a light quilt, temperature around 13-14C, and the window open. Whereas DH has a heater on in his room (with a thermostat that switches off when it hits 20C,) layers and layers on the bed, and the window shut. Neither of us could sleep in the other one's room.

Edited to add that he has the heater on through October, November, December, January, and February. So through late Autumn, and all of the winter. From early March it goes in the garage, until early October...

.

@Fruitfliesexterminator · Yesterday 20:04

It's not uncommon. People just don't talk about it so they don't get "but how do you have sex 👀"

On a sofa while waiting for rice to cook is apparently a crass answer😂

Exactly!

People who think you can only have sex in bed at night, must have seriously boring and unimaginative sex lives! 😆

Exactly this! 😉

I would agree with this. Plus, imagine only having any intimacy or connection when you're in bed at night?

I'm with @Zovabout the temperature.
My husband was born and brought up in an African country and still complains about being cold! He likes his bedroom hot. I don't, plus I like the window open.
Result: we're both comfortable and sleep well.
I would have thought that's a practical solution!

Thank you @Corinthiana 😘Glad you and your husband have found a solution!

Its really interesting because I would say sleeping separately has improved our intimacy
I am much happier having my own space, clean,tidy, decorated to my taste and with my things in
Its not just sleeping separately, its a little haven and takes me back to the joy of finally having your own bedroom as a kid
DH is different to me , he is a lovely chap but imagine a labrador but in man form 😅
Hes large, bounds about and is hard on his environment , he will also eat anything but farts a lot!

Of course this is partly what attracted me to himnot the farting but after several decades it wears thin somewhat and our relationship suffered due to lack of sleep and resentment

There is more to this though, I felt who I was became blurred by marriage and children and menopause made me want myself back and I feel very happy and content
Long marriages have seasons and here we are still happy after many years
However,I come first, my wellbeing and happiness and I would divorce rather than compromise that !

All the naysayers
if you dont lack sleep or feel resentment then crack on
You simply cannot empathise if its not something you are experiencing and all the omg how saaaad posts are just silly digs and projection

We have ☺️! Born and brought up in a Yorkshire town, no central heating and memories of power cuts; my DH, raised in Africa, never experienced anything remotely chilly until he migrated here!
He can have his bedroom at 22°c, I can have mine at 17°c.
We've found our bliss 🌸

Excellent points, @Mycatsfeetsmell 👍🏼

Thanks 😊

People who think you can only have sex in bed at night, must have seriously boring and unimaginative sex lives! 😆

I’d assume the people who can only have a shag in bed at night are people with kids at home.

I don’t have kids, but I’m guessing not many people are fucking each other on the kitchen table on a Tuesday afternoon while their kids are wandering in to get a bag of crisps.

I have to admit, I'd see it as something wrong in the relationship. I fully understand the own space thing, but you can arrange that during the day. Our sleepy cuddles last thing at night and first things in the morning, plus the pillow talk at bedtime are the best parts of my day.

I don’t have kids, but I’m guessing not many people are fucking each other on the kitchen table on a Tuesday afternoon while their kids are wandering in to get a bag of crisps.

😂 OMG just imagine!

I do disagree a bit. I don't think ALL the couples who think you can only shag in bed at night all have children at home. Some people seem to seriously think that's the only appropriate place and time! In bed, at night... 😬 (And with the lights off, and under the duvet!) 😆

Another point that hasn't been raised (I don't think) is that not only might couples have different body temperatures and do different things while sleeping (snore, move about, etc) but they also might have different body clocks. Especially since we've been retired, it's quite obvious that I and my DH want to go to sleep at different times and often wake up at quite different times. While we were working, this wasn't so noticeable as we both had to be at work around the same time.

DH doesn't usually snore but if he did I'd absolutely want to sleep in a separate room!

We don't sleep well together in a double bed either. Super king for the win!

That's fine because that suits you. If people have different arrangements which suit them, how is it "wrong"? Many of us have already said we're happy with how we live.