Overstepping MIL?

[Meesh9]

FTM here wondering am I being unreasonable?
The context, husband is boarderline alcoholic and has been for our entire 10 year relationship. After I gave birth to my son, my mum moved in for 3 days to help me and my husband adapt and she visited every day after that, I am very close to my mum and wanted her around for help and support; she is also a childminder of 15 years so knows children.
Because of the alcohol issue, my mum and husband don't always see eye to eye.

The issue at hand.
2 weeks postpartum, I phoned my MIL worried my husband was getting bad with his drinking and asked her to speak with him about it. I asked her for some support dealing with a drunk husband and a 2 week old baby. She came over while I was out and spoke with my husband, when I got home she turned to me and said
'he doesn't have a problem with drink but he's told me your mum is a problem'.

This was news to me. She then proceeded to tell me I shouldn't want my mum around and I needed to call on her (the MIL) for support rather as my mum was too strong. She's also heavily religious and started spouting Bible verses at me completely out of context too. She told me it wasn't right to have my mum supporting me but that I needed to rely on my mil instead. I was on the line of having postpartum depression around this time and hearing her say all this really upset me and messed with my head as I just wanted my mum around. My MIL also phoned my mum directly and told her that she needed to leave me alone.

Ever since, I have felt so uncomfortable around my MIL. I do not want to spend any time with her and when I do have to see her I completely close up and go inside myself. My husband doesn't understand and says I'm being unreasonable towards his mum. But I just can't get over the way she spoke to me and told me I was wrong for wanting my mum to help and support me. Aibu?

How did you think having a baby with an alcoholic would end up? You fundamentally have a DH problem. The MIL is a red herring.

To be fair to my husband, he had stopped drinking for 18 months before having a baby.

But was back to problematic drinking two weeks postpartum? I’m sorry OP but I agree with PP that your main problem here is him. Is he willing to get help (e.g. AA)?

Weird to start with this then

husband is boarderline alcoholic and has been for our entire 10 year relationship.

Not going to argue with you there, I know that's an issue and we are getting therapy. He is also getting help.

I think you need to get as far away as possible from this drunken fool and his certifiable mother. They both sound like thoroughly bad news. Could you stay with your mum?

I think you are misplacing anger here. She does sound somewhat unhinged (maybe just me reacting to Bible speak as I can't stand it) but, ultimately, the whole side of his family are bad news. No wonder you are feeling the way you are feeling but I really don't think she is your biggest worry.

The desperation of women to have a baby with literally anyone is astounding

That’s good he’s getting help, but can you and the baby stay with your mum until he’s clean? It really isn’t safe for a newborn (or any child) to be around an alcoholic parent (ask me how I know!)

Jokes on me for asking random people on the internet a question and thinking I wouldn't be judged. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You do know your dh can never be alone with your dc right ?
He's an alcoholic .
Take your dc and go see your dm.

You don’t need therapy, you need to take yourself and your baby far away from this alcoholic and his mother. Look up the NACOA - see how people brought up with an alcoholic in the house feel about it.

Your first and only duty is to protect your child. As a pp said, the MIL is a red herring.

Your MIL is never going to be on your side.

If you need support, rely on your mother only.

Could your husband go and live with his mother whilst he gets treatment for his alcoholism? It isn’t ideal having him around the baby in this state.

It is true that you should invite both grandparents (you don't mention any grandads) to help, and that you shouldn't only have your mum, and it would be reasonable for him to be annoyed about that, in most circumstances. But that doesn't mean it's ok for him to be drinking, and obviously if he's putting alcohol before the baby, then it's fine to get your mum to help. She's entitled to her religion, but if you ask her not to talk about it to you, she should respect that. She really isn't the problem here.

Lol, if someone had tried telling me who I could or couldn’t invite to help when I’d just been through pregnancy and labour and was in the midst of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, they’d have been given short shrift to say the least! There is absolutely no rule that any new mother should have to rely on all grandparents equally - OP should be able to rely on whomever she feels will support her best — clearly her own DM in this case.

What? A woman who has just given birth should have full agency over who she wants around her. She does not have to be “fair” by having someone else’s mother in her personal space while she’s bleeding, establishing feeding etc. Good grief 🙄

Please if possible take your baby and leave. Your child does not deserve to grow up around an alcoholic. Like a PP said, ask me how I know! 10 years is a long time to out yourself through that and 18 months sober is nothing compared to that time in total and he's already relapsed. Relapse is a normal part of recovery but you have a choice to be around it or not and right now you husband and MIL are not helping you in any way.

Well no. Not really. After a woman gives birth she is bleeding and might have other complications. A mum would help with that but no way would I have an in law help (my own mum is dead btw so I struggled on myself and would not have asked MIL to help with my care). You do not know what the mum was helping with and a new mother is allowed to have her own mother help.

How the fuck is this helpful to OP? If you don't have any helpful advice, why bother commenting? You are just trying to kick an already upset OP when she is down.

A newly post-partum mum can choose who she wants to help her. Why on earth would she want the help from her MIL if she is just going to deny that her son has a drinking problem, spout inappropriate bible verses and insult OP's mum?

OP's mum actually helps and supports her. I would advise OP to move in with her mum if she can. Her husband and MIL aren't safe people for OP or her baby.

OP, while its great you have your mum, you shouldn't need her, plus intervention from your MiL in order to tolerate your marriage.
Your husband is a huge problem and you can't cope with him. Rather than face this problem, with all that implies, you are looking to other people to enable your marriage.
This is bringing additional problems, because you're adding more opinions and behaviours into the mix.
If your husband is an alcoholic, the odds of you having a healthy happy relationship and family life are very slim indeed. Whoever you enlist to help you.
Your husband needs to stop drinking.
Your best course of action is to leave him and let him decide whether to do that or not. If he does, you can return if you want to.

You need to ask your mum if you can stay with her and then pack up baby and leave.

OP your MIL will never be the person that supports you with your DHs alcoholism. You need to stop expecting that of her for your own sake.

I think your MIL is the least of your problems. I look after children of addicts, the impact is devastating, if you can provide a stable warm home between you ans your Mum that should be the priority. Baby and you first now.

Your husband is an alcoholic, and his religious mother is siding with him. Of course they want your mum out of the picture. They don't want someone supporting you to be strong, They are afraid your mum will make you see sense and leave your husband, so they've decided between themselves that it's in your husband's best interests to control you by isolating you from your real support. She needs you to support her in enabling him. It's about support for him not you. He's never going to change. It only gets worse.