Boring marriage

[DeftPeachSloth]

My kids are older and don't need me as much and I'm starting to get a bit more energy back and ready to experience life childfree again eg nights out, weekend trips, fun things you can't do with young children.
My partner has no interest in doing anything. Sat night and I said 'oooh shall we out' and the look on his face said it all before he explained he's just not that bothered for doing stuff anymore. I asked him what he meant and he said he'd go for meals and cinema but not interested in anything else really (including travel)
I can't imagine just staying in forever. I'm not a quiet person and I enjoy getting out.
Are we doomed? I ask because I can't make him go out and do things with me and although he won't stop me going out, I don't want to do it alone. We're in late 40s early 50s

I'd start with going to the cinema/meals so he gets used to going out again. He might enjoy it. I think people can get a bit stuck in a habit so start with what he is willing to do and go from there.

What is your life like beyond your husband? Friends? Hobbies?

So go with him for a meal and cinema and do everything else you want to do alone or with a friend. It always baffles me when people say they want to do things but don't want to do them alone. If I want to do something, I just do it. Yes, there are some things I'd like to share with my partner but if he is not up for it, I can't change that. It never stopped me from doing things I want and our relationship does not suffer a single bit.

Maybe plan a bit in advance? some people are not good with spontaneous ideas when they have mentally got ready for a cosy night in...if he knows "we are going out for a meal on Friday" it may help him feel more "geared up"

I don’t blame him as i’ve become boring too at nearly 50, but I try and say yes to friends asking and do always enjoy it. I guess i’d just do stuff with friends as he clearly is over going out in evening which I do get.

Surely you don't have to do everything together?

Do the things you both enjoy together, do other things with other people that do enjoy them, or do them alone.

Healthy relationships don't depend on people wanting to do exactly the same things.

Go for a meal and a few drinks with him
Go the cinema.

You've got to start with the date nights that appeal to him too.

What do you want to do?.Gigs? dancing? Do you have friends you can do some stuff with?

Don’t call it “travel”. Call it “going on holiday”. Less threatening.

Sometimes these days it's hellish going out

Honestly you could be talking about me, at times I’ve been very very reclusive.

I have found that once I get going places I get into the habit, but it helps to have a set plan that I know about in advance.

Meals and cinema are a great start, but why not try a little night away too, having a hotel booking will be something that gets him up and moving.

Why not start having some fun with friends and see if he then becomes more enthused.

I think a lot of men get like this as as they age. It’s depressing.

Yes, of course you could do these things by yourself, but travelling with a partner and planning it and reminiscing is part of the fun.

They just seem to see things as too much effort, and it gets wearing trying to jolly them along, or arrange stuff when there’s no enthusiasm.

YANBU

Why not go with friends?

I’d agree go with friends or go to some things alone and others with him. The thing is thinking you’ve other options isn’t a thing because if ye split up then you’re more alone? If you love him then you can do things alone but then you come home to him

If he CBA then go on your own or go with friends/family. That includes travel!

There are places I want to go that my DP doesn't want to go, plus I have more annual leave/time off so I frequently go away without him. He goes to places I have no interest in going to on his own, or goes back home to see friends/family without me, as I'm not really interested in doing that. We also travel together to places of mutual interest.

Same with activities. I am described as 'high energy'. I am always doing things and going to places, and will just be on the go all day, easily walking 30k steps and cramming in loads of things to do/places to visit (on days out/when away) My DP isn't and that's fine.

Well, start with meals and cinema and take it from there.

All this “go on your own or with friends” is fine if that’s what you want to do, but that’s not what the @DeftPeachSloth wants

not unreasonably she’d like to do things with her DH

he is been honest with you,enjoy the meals out and cinema.

I find my friends have remained the same as when young, men and women. We are all 50 plus with some of us just hitting 60.

Children take up lots of time so some people lose themselves in parenting and seem to remain stuck in that rut. But what was he like before children?

Start with the small stuff like a meal out and the cinema, some people can go zero to 100 and some need warming up.

Trying to be helpful sorry if this comes across wrong …How much do you really want to do these things if you don’t want to do them on your own or with friends? If it’s quality time together that you really want, I’d be trying to think of other activities you could enjoy as a couple.

It’s not unusual for middle-aged men to want earlier nights, unless they are looking for a new partner of some sort. Source - am mid-sixties and go out a lot, yes I’m one of the oldest there. Lunchtime and afternoon/early evening events are very popular with this crowd. Full on nights out dancing tend to be 80% women.

Agreed but she doesn’t seem to have any fun in her life

I feel bored too. I always have to suggest things but he just wants to sit and play on his phone and drink coffee. Unless it's a home football match of course. I'm not talking travel or anything, just going for a walk! I don't know what the answer is @DeftPeachSloth but I understand. It feels quite unsettling.

Do you have friends that you can do these things with?

I feel bored too. I always have to suggest things but he just wants to sit and play on his phone and drink coffee. Unless it's a home fottball match of course. I'm not talking travel or anything, just going for a walk! I don't know what the answer is @DeftPeachSloth but I understand. It feels quite unsettling.

@Doidont2 not really. I'm happy enough to do things by myself but I know where the OP is coming from. It's a bit worrying when you realise you don't spend much time together.