To share the news story with DH

[Mamma292939]

I read an awful news article on the way home. When I got back I was still feeling upset about it and told DH. He was upset with me for telling him about it! Should I have kept it to myself? I guess I do know that he doesn’t really like it when I shared stories that are a bit grim and I’ve never shared one like this before but I was so affected by it and wanted to talk about it.

I guess I’m just disappointed in him as he has lots of good qualities but he doesn’t even try to be a rock for me. If I ever share upset feelings with him it ends up making him even more upset. :(

Exactly blurted it out. Its a bit selfish. Manage it better.

I wasn’t looking for comfort on this occasion, I was looking for more or less what you wrote, a quick chat about how awful it was. Instead I made him really upset with me. My point was just that talking to him about grim things, whether they as passing things in the news or more personal things provokes a big reaction. Yes I was upset but I wasn’t crying about it, I just want a level headed chat!

Being so upset about a new story that you need emotional support from another adult is quite odd ime. However I accept people experience things differently and if there is no social outlet for them elsewhere, the husband may have to bear the brunt.

A lot of the time these sorts of conversations are more acquaintance level at work too, takes the emotional sting out of the horrible news.

I was wondering this too. I came across an article about Preston Davey when I was pregnant and this article was very, very graphic about the physical and sexual abuse he had suffered. Reading that article was the catalyst for me developing severe anxiety and depression during my pregnancy and postnatal period. I was vulnerable to MH issues anyway but reading that article whilst pregnant with a baby boy myself triggered some awful anxiety and I'm having to have medication and therapy

OP, it is definitely worth seeking mental health support if the news story continues to play on you. Most people, however horrid a news article is, can read it, be upset for a moment and then move on. If it's continuing to play on you and upset you in the coming days then it may be that you need to look into some extra support. I'm sorry your DP doesn't let you vent, I had this issue too and it made things worse. I tried to talk to my partner straight away and he shur me down and said it was too upsetting to hear, I respected that given the subject matter but I do think if I'd have been able to talk about it straight away then it wouldn't have escalated so much.

In that case, he's got issues.

Thanks and I’m so sorry for what you experienced. I hope things are going better for you. X

Why must he knows this terribly sad news, just because it has made you sad? Misery loves company?
My DH doesn't keep up with the news, his life is too hectic. I do. I only tell him bits that are relevant to him and certainly keep the really awful stories to myself. It's like forcing someone to watch a horror movie because you want to.

That was a story that I couldn't stop thinking about and couldn't sleep for thinking of it, just the worst story and I have my own little boy too so just kept thinking of it. I kept wanting to talk about it with people and did with friends a few times but it didn't help me process it any better, and some of my mates hadn't known and I felt bad I told them. It was just literally time and distraction techniques that stopped me thinking of it randomly and feeling awful.

I would say I think it's a natural human instinct however. Sharing information, especially of things that hurt us, is part of how we've evolved and in this modern day that's a version of it. So I understand the impulse to speak of it, but also understand need to recoil from it and not want to know.

Sometimes people are just not in the frame of mind to hear these things. If they are unaware that they’re gonna be told a traumatising tragic story, they don’t have time to prepare.

I knew as soon as you posted that it was about the headteacher. He sounds like an amazing man as well

I knew from your OP it would be that. It's a breathtakingly shocking story and I completely understand needing to talk to someone about it.

I grew up in a house on the same stretch of road where that happened and I just cannot get my head around it. It's one of those "nothing ever happens" naice areas. I'm so glad they have found him guilty of murder and not a lesser charge. I'm glad that people did try to help when they saw evidence that someone had been hit, that made me feel better about the local community, I just wish they had been able to save him.

OP I understand what you are saying. I just avoid the news these days because you cannot un hear what you have heard! Your husband could have just given you a hug…it’s not that hard !🌸

Mumsnet is a joke now, these people are ripping into you for their own amusement, sounds like your husband just wasn’t in the mood to hear it but you have done nothing wrong. It’s normal conversation, especially as cyclists yourselves

OP, your story struck a chord with me. My experience is different, but similar.

My mother was so emotional and over the top about difficult situations. She could take someone's problem and make it, not only her own, but much worse. My sisters and I learnt from a young age that we couldn't take any problems, worries or upsets to her as she would take it and run wild with it, crying, worrying, obsessing and literally making herself ill sometimes. And yes, being angry with us for 'causing her problems' or 'making her worry'.

It was so bad that, when I had cancer as an adult, I didn't tell her. My sisters knew, but we had to keep it a secret from her as she would have been in despair, catastrophised, become ill with anxiety. It would have become all about her and how awful she was feeling, when I was the one who was actually going through it.

Luckily, I had my sisters and friends for support, and maybe you will need to look to others, as pp have suggested.

There was no quiet listening, no empathy, no comfort, no advice. We couldn't even rely on her to take our side over things. She was the opposite of a rock. We had to protect her from bad news, problems etc.

Sadly you seem to be in a similar situation with your DH. Some people are obviously just like this. You could try talking to him, explaining that if something bad were to happen to you (eg an accident, serious illness), you wonder how he would react when you told him, and what are you both supposed to do about that? Not tell him? Have to put his emotions and reactions above your own? How that would make you feel, and how he would feel if you felt unable to 'burden' him with something so important?

Sorry if I've gone off on a tangent and you don't feel this relates to your situation.

This is a man you've been in a 20 year relationship with and yet it sounds like you don't even know him.

Why did you post in AIBU OP just to argue people the many people who think you are unreasonable?

Why are you trying to be so provocative?

Just wanted a vent. I find it sort of helpful, once I’ve got past my own defensiveness, to gain a bit of perspective. I did say I agreed with some of the posters here. I know a lot are just making stuff up to be provocative as is typical of AIBU.

Thank you, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I have a difficult relationship with my mother too, for sort of similar reasons in that she will take any words I use and blow them out of proportion, so I’ve learned to be very sparing with what I tell her. It’s hard though when you can’t lean on the people you should be closest to.

I'm surprised by some of these responses. I think it's normal to want to talk about something that's upset you. Admittedly, some people are more able to discuss tragedies than others and for certain people, it will depend on the subject.

This story disturbed me too. It's hard to understand how someone could be so unbelievably callous. That poor man and his family.

I think it’s helpful to argue to test how
strongly I feel about some issues. As I said I can’t distill a long marriage into a few paragraphs, plus I wrote my initial annd subsequent posts fast without giving much consideration to words like “rock” that seems to have gone down badly, and people have made the wrong assumptions. Anyway I’m not going to bring up this kind of news story with DH again as I don’t want to upset him.

Hi OP,
what you said really resonated with me about the wanting home to be more supportive with tricky family stuff (not the misery dumping bit - sorry!) My DH reacts exactly the same with family stuff and I get really upset feeling like he’s not in my corner - it’s something we’ve been working through in couples therapy which has really helped. I would suggest finding other ‘rocks’ such as friends/ therapist that’s what I’ve done: just because he’s your DH it doesn’t have to be him…

I'm not. I just can't escape the sense that what you expect from your DH and what he thinks you expect from him are not the same, and this seems to have been going on for 20+ years like that definition of insanity that's always misattributed to Einstein.

Sounds a bit drama-ish "omg I was on that road last week it could have been me" from your DH.