To share the news story with DH

[Mamma292939]

I read an awful news article on the way home. When I got back I was still feeling upset about it and told DH. He was upset with me for telling him about it! Should I have kept it to myself? I guess I do know that he doesn’t really like it when I shared stories that are a bit grim and I’ve never shared one like this before but I was so affected by it and wanted to talk about it.

I guess I’m just disappointed in him as he has lots of good qualities but he doesn’t even try to be a rock for me. If I ever share upset feelings with him it ends up making him even more upset. :(

You can’t be emotionally adjusted and fully functioning if you’re spending time on MN having a go at women who are looking for advice and seeking help. You should look at your own behaviour first.

YABVU. I always cut off H if he tries to tell me an upsetting story from the news, especially if it's about children, so he's learnt not to do it. I do the same don't tell him about news stories he would find upsetting, especially about animal abuse. Why would you want your H to be upset when he doesn't need to know of the awful headline? The other stuff you have drip fed is different, but I can understand why he would be annoyed about this.

Not trying to catch you out, no. What you're telling us isn't very consistent. There's a reason why you know how he feels about you telling him these news stories you find so upsetting, which is because he's told you not to do it, which is because you have form for doing it.

So basically never read the news, watch TV or go on any sort of social media then?

Ive only done it a handful of times over a 20 year relationship, I could see he wasn’t happy so I generally don’t. He’s never said don’t do it, people are just making the worst assumptions about it me. It’s hard to distill a long relationship in a few paragraphs.

I think the advice I’m getting here is distilling down to: a) stay in a bubble of no upsetting news, b) keep your emotions to yourself, and c) if you happen to get upset you need help.

You explained your dilemma in a paragraph and all these posters have filled in a whole bunch of blanks, formed a picture of you in their minds as hard work and a bit of a miserable cow, and are now attacking that image of you that they have made up, because it's fun or something. I think that's just what happens on Mumsnet and can't be helped.

Sorry you’re getting a rough ride on here OP, I think a lot of commenters have low reading comprehension, others lack empathetic skills themselves. There’s a lot of hyperbole & willful misconstruing on here.

I see where you’re coming from. You saw the top headline news story on the UK’s main news service (I saw it too), you were rattled by it, and sought comfort from your husband as you processed it. Yes that is normal. I imagine tens of thousands had the same response. No you did nothing wrong. I get the impression (not knowing you or your DH), that he is lovely as you say but short on emotional intelligence, because it sounds like he confuses competing/self centring with actual empathy. It’s a common habit, lots of people do it non maliciously, they don’t even know what active listening is, as a starting place towards empathy, or being a sounding board, etc.

If he can’t provide the emotional support you’re looking for, see if you can find/cultivate a friendship with someone who can. He can still be a lovely husband, just one with limits in this area.

Ive got a friend likethis, thank god I dont live with her. She blurts out horrific details about news stories or things she's seen and heard and then says 'oh sorry, you might not want to hear that'.

Becuase of her own anxiety and distress she has to put on it others. Hate it

Keep it to yourself.

Sorry but in my circle of friends, this would be known as a conversation. I think people are starting to lose the art, sometimes topics are unpleasant but even so you should be able to listen and discuss them.

I think the issue here is you've used an example that is equally upsetting to you both us commuting cyclists, yet you expect him to be your rock - seems almost a bit sexist. But if the issue is more around him supporting you around circumstances that genuinely impact you more - like your family - that's a different matter. But nobody is perfect, and he sounds like he is a good guy overall. Have you tried saying to him, when I talk to you about this/about my family I need you to just listen (or whatever it is you need- my DH is a solver and I've had to say to him at times 'i don't want solutions here, just to vent'). But you also need to separate this out from times like this news article.

Why would you do that when he is a cyclist.

There is sharing and discussing a news story with someone who wants too and how can i make a news story all about me

I can be emotional, hearing upsetting news stories can really upset me. I'm not expecting anyone to be my 'rock'. As much as is upsets me it's not really my pain, and if someone else who isn't connected to the story finds it upsetting too why would my emotions trump theirs? You are sounding quite self-absorbed in your OP.

Thank you, yes this.

I mean he was upset at the story, but he was mostly angry at me for telling him.

Should have mentioned I’m also a cyclist. But I didn’t mean to upset him on purpose, I just blurted out what I was thinking about at that moment.

So it comes across as 'i am upset so I need you to be upset too' something in all this feels really odd

I really don’t understand what you’re on about. Why are you still here?

You’re just making things up and pressing to annoy me. It’s amusing but you must have better things to do.

This is one of those threads where I'd love to hear the DH's perspective on the things the OP is expecting of him and see how far out of alignment with each other they are.

What do you want from him?

Hes not allowed opinions, he's not allowed to be upset, he's not allowed an emotional response.

The fact you need comfort from another is telling about your reactions. Reading something like this my opener would be "did you see the news about the cyclist?"
DH "yes bloody awful, what a nasty human the perpetrator was"
Me "yes grim"
End.

OP read a horrific and upsetting story that is relevant to her own hobbies / lifestyle. She felt the need to discuss this with DH to 'debrief' a bit

Only on mumsnet would this mean she needs therapy 🙄

OP that was a horrendous news story and I fully understand why you wanted to discuss it. The headline in no way prepares you for the actual horror of what that man did. It would have been nice for DH to have shared your upset and outrage at what happened.

Hope you are OK 💐

Based on your OP, I've put yabu.

But you are changing the goal posts here and saying that it is a bigger issue. You need to explain this properly to get useful responses.

I still think you are mildly unreasonable. But less so, as i can understand now why you might feel unsupported. But at the same time, trauma dumping based on a news story can also impact the person you are saying it to. So you have to also be mindful of his feelings.

So OP is expected to just suck it up and not be upset, even if she came across an upsetting news story by total accident yet the husband shouldn't have to suck it up the same just because the OP told him about it? Make it make sense.