To share the news story with DH

[Mamma292939]

I read an awful news article on the way home. When I got back I was still feeling upset about it and told DH. He was upset with me for telling him about it! Should I have kept it to myself? I guess I do know that he doesn’t really like it when I shared stories that are a bit grim and I’ve never shared one like this before but I was so affected by it and wanted to talk about it.

I guess I’m just disappointed in him as he has lots of good qualities but he doesn’t even try to be a rock for me. If I ever share upset feelings with him it ends up making him even more upset. :(

But why even do that? It will only lead to follow-up questions and you'll end up telling him all about it anyway.

Why do you need to do this at all?

No we’ve occasionally said something similar and the he/I will reply that we don’t want to hear any more about it. I should have done that instead.

Well I said I was feeling upset. I thought it would explain why I’m not being chipper or whatever without going into the detail.

I can’t blame you for being upset. It’s a terrible story. DH actually shared the story with me over lunch. He wanted to talk about it as we are both avid cyclists and quite often get verbally abused and have cars come very close on purpose. It could be us. People don’t realise that cyclists are dads and mums, sister brothers, daughters and sons.
i could go on. I don’t want to make this case about ourselves. However, it resonates and has hit hard.

Maybe you're being a mizz and he doesnt want to keep hearing sad stories.
Lighten up a bit .

Listen to yourself.

Just don't tell him at all. Better yet, as PP have said already don't read stories like this if you're so affected by them that you have to unload your emotions on him.

The cyclist story is awful. SUVs should be banned, the bonnet on these cars is so high that, instead of pushing pedestrians and cyclists over the bonnet out of harm’s way, the poor victim is usually pushed under the car. There’s no need for cars with such high bonnets for most road users.

As for OP - There are two separate issues here.

No, you shouldn’t misery dump news stories on someone who is sensitive and has asked you not to.

Yes, you should be able to talk about personal issues with your husband. Have you spoken to him about his reactions in a calm and team-orientated way? Explained how his emotional response drowns out yours and makes you feel small and unheard? Maybe this is something to take to a couples counsellor or therapist to help you communicate with each other and also process and manage emotions yourselves.

All the best.

He's asked you not to do this and he's also a cyclist so it was going to hit particularly hard. Of course you shouldn't have shared it.

So if I’m feeling a bit quiet or down about something I read and he says what’s up with you I should just keep it to myself and say nothing? No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages here on MN.

And I think it’s ridiculous that people are also saying don’t read things that make you upset. Everything in the news from Russia, Trump, climate change, CoL, everything in the UK and tragedies like this one are upsetting. I’m
not going to live in a bubble like some of you and just read about things that make me happy.

And I don’t misery dump. I’m upset about the whole list of things above and I don’t misery dump them on DH, I read them and move on. I said I was particularly affected by today.

If a news story makes me react that much i would get help, yes I read and take in world and local news and there are issues in the world but I don't need to turn it into my own emotional soap opera, I get perspective of it

If he’s told you not to, then don’t. If you are upset by it, why make him upset too?

In terms of real life things effecting you though, he should be able to support you to a degree.

are you always negative though?

Blimey

so he empathises, gets frustrated on your behalf, and that’s wrong and you’d rather he just “be a rock”. By that you mean stoically show no emotion.

and we wonder why men feel conditioned to not share emotions…

Really?? Your bar for getting “help” is really low. Any person with empathy would feel upset about that story.

I suspect I know the news story you are referring to. These stories affect me massively, but I just have to keep them to myself and try to digest it myself as my partner definitely doesn’t want the details. Some things are harrowing and you just have to respect people’s wishes not to know about them.

Is it a regular thing for you to read a news story that bothers you enough it would be noticeable to people around you OP?

Your own OP suggests that this is not the case. Especially:
I guess I do know that he doesn’t really like it when I shared stories that are a bit grim

I can be upset by a news story and still be a fully functioning emotionally adjusted human being

I mean for example, if I want to have a moan about my parents, he uses the opportunity to have a bigger moan and have a go about them. I agree with everything he says (because he’s just repeating stuff I’ve said), but I’m looking for someone to quietly listen to me, not to have a loud complaining competition.

Maybe just Stop reading or listening to upsetting things and then upsetting others with it. It's quite inconsiderate I avoid the news in all forms because I don't want this anxiety and upset in my life. I Can't change anything I hear. Your own issues and hurt should always be listened to by a partner, but id be upset if someone offloaded something unpleasant from the news on me

Trying to catch me out? 🙄 I also follow that post up with I share sad stories him very occasionally. Because I know how he feels about them. But yes I blurted it out without thinking today.

So maybe it's really about this and the news story issue is a bit of a red herring?

If you want him to be your emotional rock, then doing as you've suggested here, just telling him that you've read a news item that has upset you and ask him to hug you or help you get over it or feel safe or whatever it is you want from him. If he wants to know the details, he can ask you. If he doesn't, he can still console you if that's what you wanted. But to condemn him for reacting in the way he did isn't very fair. And to extend your criticism from this reaction to saying that he never is there for you when you need him to be "your rock" is also somewhat unfair on him.

My kids dad used to do this. Not maliciously but I choose not to read upsetting things and really didn't want to know.