To think when you ask for opinions on plans you shouldn't get pissed off when people give them?

[Boppydoodah]

Just that really. It's happened a couple times recently to me, and it genuinely mystifies me why people do this.

A recent example is some changes were made to festive plans by others in the family (with good reasons and a good heart), presented to the wider family seeking thoughts on the changes. The changes actually do impact on us majorly but I got jumped on for saying a fairly neutral "xyz may not work for us but we'll give it a think to see what's possible". They then wanted reasons, and a separate chat group was used to "remind" some of us (ie me) of the good reasons why the changes were needed. They sought our opinion but didn't actually want it - which is fine, but in that case why ask?!

AIBU to think, if you ask for people's thoughts, don't get pissed when they give you ones that are different to yours?

My family do this all the time - they ask me what I think then start being beligerant when I tell them lol.

I just say, "you asked me what I thought so I told you. Do you want to know what I think or do you want me to agree with you?"

That's exactly how it feels! They wanted agreement, not opinions.

Unfortunately this is DH's family, my own I feel like I could be a bit more blunt with them. And before anyone tells me, yes I've told DH they're his family and they can deal with them and I'll stay out of it. It's a lesson I learn around every 5 years or so - they're lovely, but also indecisive and contrarily very set on things at the same time. Does my head in.

*he can deal with them

They sought our opinion but didn't actually want it - which is fine, but in that case why ask?

Because they didn’t want to come across as dictatorial. It’s the social dance.

But surely if you then get the hump when someone raises an issue, are you not then just being dictatorial?

I don't even mind skipping the event if it works for everyone but us, not everyone can do everything all the time and that's ok. I think it's the fact we're not allowed to say "maybe not this time for us" that really gets me.

They expect people to
validate them by agreeing work them. Offering an opinion goes of their expected script and they don’t like it. I have no idea why people are performative in this way. But 🤷‍♀️

It's good to post this on Mumsnet as a reminder to the huge number of people on here that do it... viz:

Is 44 too old to try for a 5th child?

90% "Yes"

Screw you all - I'll post to update when I have a healthy baby! We can afford it as we have loads of inheritance - sorry to all the paupers reading!! Lucky for me I look 30 so won't be mistaken for grandma!!! The previous 4 were amazing sleepers!!!!

For a second I thought this was the wrong thread, and I was all set to hunt it down and be invested in the drama 😅

The short answer is don't ask if you don't want, but that said, if I ask if you like my hair cut, and you go on about how the horrible colour clashes with my ugly lipstick, and how it makes me look even worse than normal, and how my boss will sack me for it...sure that's extreme, but asking for opinions doesn't necessarily mean you want a blunt response.
From what you say, you weren't rude, but is it possible they also weren't intending to be, or that it's just the particular thing you asked that was difficult? In messages, tone can be hard to read. They might just have meant that I get that's hard for you, but we won't be able to serve the lunch then because...

You're probably right re the performative social dance, so I guess not so mysterious. I'm not a game player, never have been, so it's not really on my radar. I don't think it's on theirs, but they've had an interesting upbringing which makes them all a tad insecure plus needing to appear overtly thoughtful too. So not intentional game playing on their part.

Had another situation at work where I was asked my capacity for an additional task, I thought about it, came back and gave an answer and was told oh it's not a choice, we're adding it to your workload. Which is fine, but again - why ask? I wasted 30 mins thinking through the various options in order to give a considered opinion, it takes a lot for me to say no to something, I give a gentle "no I don't think I can this month" - I could have just been getting on with it if I was told straight up.

I think maybe I expect people to be more direct than they are.

You're probably right, they probably weren't meaning it the way it came across to me.

I couched my initial response (absolutely not) to something far more neutral, maybe that's why I was so taken aback by their response as I put a lot of effort into making it be a positive message. I don't really want to get into details as it's outing, but let's just say it felt very much like the impact of expecting us to be at the event the way it's now planned is not taken into account at all, and gentle pushback gets a "you're being selfish" vibe.

For context, the increased cost will swallow most of my Christmas bonus, which I work hard for and usually goes toward us being able to take the kids to things like escape rooms, bowling, boat trips etc during their holiday break. We can't really afford to pay without scrapping every little treat or using debt. It's been a very expensive year for us, we're scrimping where we can, and having the additional cost expected like it's nothing is hard to take.

I don't expect them to change what they're doing for us, but I do expect a reasonable response to a "we can't make it this year".

Stick to your guns. In assertiveness training, you are taught not to argue, not to react, just to state your point clearly, politely, and repetitively. You and/or your DH just say "X doesn't work for us, and we cannot afford it. Have a great time, and we'll see you all another time." Then say it again, in the same firmat, to every response. Also make it very clear to your husband that if he caves in, you are not paying for a penny of it, so he will have to find the money himself.

It doesn't sound very fair for them to expect you to go if it's that expensive near Christmas so keep declining, smiling and passing any drama straight to dh because his circus, his monkeys

Agree, it’s annoying. If you don’t want an opinion don’t ask.

I'm generally a polite person but don't ask for an opinion if you don't want it. At work I do tend to say, that's too much at the moment I've git a lot on but could do it next week? I do volunteer for additional bits and help out colleagues so when I say I can't do something they know I'm not shirking.

Hmmmmm.

So sometimes the planning gets left to one person and expectation is on them to sort. Then when they share their ideas and are met with immediate criticism, that’s hard to take. Agree they should present it as “as you’ve left it all to me, this is what I’ve decided, don’t want to hear any complaints”.

Of course some people self appoint themselves in this role when it wasn’t needed.

Did you offer an alternative plan or to think of some ideas or just say their plan didn’t work for you?

I would stick with your “we can’t make it” and let them be upset 🤷‍♀️

They don’t get to dictate how you spend your money.

It very much depends.

Hair cut: id be as positive as I could.

Them moving the Christmas family trip from Scarborough for a weekend to New York for a week: imagine if you'd sat there and nodded along knowing full well you dudnt have the money or leave, and them tomorrow it's all booked, and you pull out at that point!!

YANBU by saying sorry not for us this year. Don’t spend money you can’t afford to attend something others have altered without discussion.

They aren't seeking opinions, they're seeking validation. Do what works for you.

Yes it's validation not opinions they want. So if it's something like a new skirt they have bought I try and be positive even if I don't like it but moving plans that would cost me money or something I would say "sorry we cant afford that".
My in-laws were ditherers who never organised anything until the last minute. I would ask about xmas plans every autumn (worked in a hospital so off duty done early) and get lots of "oh it's too soon to think" then they would decide on a meal on a certain date when I was working. So the "sorry we can't make that as I'm due at work by 2pm" type message.

It's letting them off a bit lightly if they are proposing expensive plans. At best thoughtless at worst really bad behaviour. I would be blunt regarding the real reason for not being able to attend. But better yet since it is DH's family, remove yourself from the group chat and make him solely responsible for ALL of the organising relating to his family. F their opinions.

Ok so you talk about the cost being too great but you describe a lifestyle - all those activities over the holiday - that don’t scream skint at all - bowling AND escape room AND other things

most people forget you can only spend it once and assume if you can afford a few hundred on holiday activities you can afford a few hundred for other things too - your lifestyle looks luxurious to me with all those holiday treats

ao then it looks like you are choosing to spend lots on Christmas and nothing on me

it’s a tricky one really - they probably think you are being really tight with them and splashing the cash elsewhere - whereas you are just making choices like everyone else

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to spend your hard earned money on family activities not facilitating a change of already booked plans that dont now suit you

You were too wishy washy with your reply and didnt give a reason. Your reply comes across as pushing back for no reason except dont fancy it.

So say for example it was going out for Xmas dinner instead of mil cooking. You say sorry that would be out of our budget but happy to catch up on boxing day.