Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people used to marry so young

528 replies

estrella167532839 · Yesterday 18:47

In 1990 the average age for getting married was 24. I know couples who got married when they were 21/22 and had only just graduated from uni. I can’t imagine being married that young.

At the moment, it seems like most people get married in their 30s, if at all.

OP posts:
Noras · Today 09:14

I must have lived a different life l. I was a high flying professional and had my own home by aged 30. It was perfectly normal to have sex, have boyfriends and live with a few en route to marriage. Women were incredibly independent at least at the university I went to ( ref brick) Aids was a thing but people were slightly aware and did not sleep around all over. No one batted an eye if you could married at aged 25 or 35 or later. Under 25 was seen as a bit odd if you were in professional services as you had to wait a few years to qualify. During the 1980 only about 20 % of the population went to university and few stayed on for sixth form but maybe those that left school earlier got married earlier. Living together was definitely quite commonplace.

IntentionallyAsymmetrical · Today 09:15

Newname26 · Today 07:53

The 80s and 90s calls were cheaper after 6pm (after neighbours) but still pricey.

I remember my folks going mental I'd run up a bill of £80, that's the equivalent of £208 today.

My sister ran up a bill of £230 in 1990 (equivalent to £593 today), repeatedly phoning an '0898' number to enter some scammy prize draw competition or other.

BT called my dad to query why the bill was suddenly so large and there were fireworks! My sister and I were initially both 'in the frame' for this crime but fortunately I was at sixth form college by then and got home much later than my sister who was still at school and she had been phoning in the window between her getting home and my getting home, so I was off the hook.

Actually my mum said at the time she knew I'd have had more sense than to phone an 0898 number, it was my dad who didn't know which of us to blame😡

MabelsCatMabel · Today 09:22

RedThroatedWarbler · Today 09:12

Its great that wasn't your experience. For a lot of us, it was.

Qwre you from an Irish or religious background.

TheBossOfMe · Today 09:23

RedThroatedWarbler · Today 09:12

Its great that wasn't your experience. For a lot of us, it was.

Where?

MabelsCatMabel · Today 09:25

TheBossOfMe · Today 09:23

Where?

Edited

Religious backgrounds and Ireland still used it later than mainstream use.

"The expression "living in sin" did not die out on a single, specific day, but largely faded from serious public use during the late 1960s and 1970s, before being officially dropped from mainstream religious discourse in the mid-1990s."

For the most part it died out of use in 1970s but religion is notoriously judgemental...

PetulaGordeno · Today 09:32

LiberteLynx · Today 09:05

@PetulaGordeno
Where do you think Sex and the City came from? They had all been living as single women in NYC since the late 80’s.

That was set in NYC from 1998 onwards. 1998 run up to noughties hook up culture at the turn of Y2K was very different from peak aids crisis 1993.

But their backstories were that they all lived in NYC from the 80’s we just got to see them from 1998 when they were all in their 30’s.
I wasn’t talking about hook-ups more about the fact that they were single and building their own lives.
I do know how much AIDS affected communities I was at Uni in the mid-late 80’s and we were very aware of it.
I feel like a boring middle aged woman most days but believe me I lived a life in my younger years and it was brilliant. Didn’t have lots of partners but worked hard, lived alone, travelled a lot.
Me and my friends were in bars and clubs at 14/15 which wasn’t unusual at all but I’m sure would be frowned upon now.
All on girls’ holidays by the late 80’s.
It was a fantastic time I had a ball.

blubberball · Today 09:36

I got married in 2007 aged 22. I was extremely happy at the time, and thought I was doing what I was "supposed" to do. Had 2 dc and ended up getting divorced. I've got no regrets because I have my dc

RafaFan · Today 09:46

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · Yesterday 20:18

It was 1987 Anne Diamond made headlines for being Britain’s most famous unmarried mum. It was felt being pregnant and popular breakfast tv show was incompatible.
Not denying young people were having sex but there was a lot of fudging and pretending so older relatives weren’t upset.
I lived with boyfriend (now dh) my postgraduate year and pretended to his mum we didn’t and my mum told relatives I was sharing with a friend. Neither family particularly religious.

I seem to remember there was a lot of tabloid talk about Janet Ellis (Blue Peter presenter) being divorced, pregnant, and unmarried in the mid 80s too.

JHound · Today 09:46

pinck · Today 01:35

Lol, congratulations on completely missing the point, of course women can choose when and whether to get married, that's precisely why I find it so ridiculous that someone felt the need to start an entire thread questioning women who marry young simply because she couldn't imagine doing it herself but apparently we're all supposed to nod along when someone judges women for marrying in their early 20s while one snarky comment about not managing to find a husband until your 30s suddenly requires a lecture on female autonomy. Funny how that works.

It’s funny you accuse others of missing the point when you have read criticism in an OP where there is none.

But your post was quite clear. Alleging somebody “failed to lock somebody down in their 20s” does suggest you view them as having no agency in their dating life. You cannot “fail” something you were not attempting to do.

But OP asked a question she did not judged. There was no need to feel triggered by a question.

levitational · Today 09:47

estrella167532839 · Today 01:54

The thread isn’t criticising anyone. Why are you assuming that and being triggered?

Agree, there was no criticism implied by "I can't imagine being married that young" – it's merely observing that it's outside of your experience, or your expectations of what your experience might be.

JHound · Today 09:50

pinck · Today 02:09

Lol, calling someone "triggered" is what people resort to when they haven't got an actual comeback and you've done it twice now. Is that really all you've got? 😂 Also, it's 2 a.m. in the UK, perhaps it's time to put your phone down and go to bed.

The post did trigger you though. That much is clear but what is unclear is “why”?

It would be different if OP was insulting those who married young but she didn’t. It’s like somebody saying “why do so many people move to different countries? I could never imagine moving overseas”. And then somebody who migrated giving a vitriolic response.

HeartOfALion · Today 09:54

In the fifties most women were married by 21 and had a baby but had left school around 14/15 . I think because people are staying longer in the education system they are maturing later plus they want to experience other things such as travel before settling down .

MrsCarson · Today 10:00

I married at age 23 in 1985, still together. We lived together for a year before marriage, no one frowned on it even then. I was pretty much the last of my friend group to marry. All of us are still married to the original husband.
If people wanted babies, they used to marry before about 25 as after 30 odd fertility drops off and there wasn't IVF widely available. Even though the first IVF baby was in 78, it took quite a long while to be commonplace.

Oliveoy · Today 10:03

BIossomtoes · Today 09:04

Having children outside marriage was.

In the 90s?! Where?

Monty36 · Today 10:03

Years ago, if you went to University, and only a few did, it was a good way to leave home.
But for the majority of people they left home when they got married.
Life was simpler with simpler expectations. You left school, went to work. Your next thing was to settle down and get married and have a family.
Many women when I grew up understood that what they had was a job, not a career. They were not in a professional world. The eighties changed that idea a little but earlier then no. And were quite happy to work for a couple of years until they had their family. After a few years they might do part time work. Many girls and women in the 70’s left school and expected to work for a couple of years only.

Getting married was leaving home for many. The two went together. Not for all. But many.
I think too, people lived their lives faster. People died at about 75 or so back then. Fewer people were in care homes until 100. Dementia was not talked about so much. People left school, went to work, had children far earlier. My parents had three children by the age of 30. Not uncommon at all. They grew up fast. The different stages of life were shorter. Childhood, teenage, young adults, middle aged, older. Dead.
As opposed to today where life seems extended in comparison.

tealsea · Today 10:07

Married in our mid twenties was the norm in my social group in the late 90s/early 00s. Most of us didn’t have our first child for a few years after that- late 20s/early 30s as we worked our way up to substantive jobs. Living together before engagement at least was definitely frowned upon by some of our parents though most of us did. I can’t think of anyone who had a baby before getting married though. Almost all of us still together 25 years plus later, kids are mostly away at uni/ working and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them at least get married reasonably young too.

RafaFan · Today 10:08

MidlifeMiseryGuts · Yesterday 21:28

I understand you probably don’t mean it the way it sounds, but a phone is not a luxury product for today’s first time buyers.

You can’t access your bank without it. You can’t make a doctor’s appointment without it. You can’t park your bloody car without it.

Please think before you type.

"Please think before you type."

How patronising. The poster was relating her own experience.

And for the record, it's still possible to do all of those things you mention without a mobile phone in lots of places.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · Today 10:10

Still lots of posts not realising their experience isn’t universal. If all your friends were uni friends then you don’t know how the 4 out of 5 people your age who didn’t go to uni were living, you were in a very narrow social bubble.
I also don’t recognise the young people moving out and flat sharing, assume it was more city thing.
If you were a girl in a small northern town in early 90s then realistically you’d leave school at 16 to be an office junior or YTS. Some might get to go to college to 18 and go and work in a building society etc. No school in my town had a sixth form. Literally a few of us went to university. Factory work was still prevalent I worked there in my holidays but girls my age worked ft - often mum and aunties worked there too. They’d live at home and often have curfew and restrictions on using phone. If they got married it would be from home. Some may move in with a lad but very much when engaged or marriage on horizon.

Idayatatime · Today 10:11

Octavia64 · Yesterday 18:51

I married just after graduation.

what’s so funny about it?

Same & shock horror we met at school. We were at uni in different cities & decided if we met someone else we would be honest & let each other know. As it was we saw each other once a month & spoke on the phone regularly. We both had plenty of offers & nobody compared. We married after graduation & have never regretted a second. Our children followed a similar path & got married after uni. We are now relatively young Grandparents to the extent people have asked if they are our children. I hear people say not for me I want to enjoy the freedom of being young & travelling etc. We did all this at uni & now we are still young & fit enough to do it all again. I don't see being married with children in your early/mid 20s is is too young,indeed I would highly recommend it

RampantIvy · Today 10:14

RafaFan · Today 10:08

"Please think before you type."

How patronising. The poster was relating her own experience.

And for the record, it's still possible to do all of those things you mention without a mobile phone in lots of places.

And much much harder to do many every day things without, unfortunately.

x2boys · Today 10:16

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · Today 10:10

Still lots of posts not realising their experience isn’t universal. If all your friends were uni friends then you don’t know how the 4 out of 5 people your age who didn’t go to uni were living, you were in a very narrow social bubble.
I also don’t recognise the young people moving out and flat sharing, assume it was more city thing.
If you were a girl in a small northern town in early 90s then realistically you’d leave school at 16 to be an office junior or YTS. Some might get to go to college to 18 and go and work in a building society etc. No school in my town had a sixth form. Literally a few of us went to university. Factory work was still prevalent I worked there in my holidays but girls my age worked ft - often mum and aunties worked there too. They’d live at home and often have curfew and restrictions on using phone. If they got married it would be from home. Some may move in with a lad but very much when engaged or marriage on horizon.

I left school aged 16 in 1990 in Bury so very much a northern town ,
Ime it was more of a mix some went straight into work ,some got a YTS and some went to college
None of the local schools ( apart from the private one ) had a sixth form but there were a couple sixth form colkeges
And there was also a large technical collge offering more practical courses
So you are also generalising

Monty36 · Today 10:21

If you go way way back in time, people married very very young. But they died a lot earlier too.
Each generation lives longer. And I think that is the nub of it. The longer people live, the extended each section of their lives becomes.

Idayatatime · Today 10:25

Monty36 · Today 10:21

If you go way way back in time, people married very very young. But they died a lot earlier too.
Each generation lives longer. And I think that is the nub of it. The longer people live, the extended each section of their lives becomes.

Nonsense & why there are so many women in there mid to late 30s & older having to opt for ivf if they want to start a family.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · Today 10:28

x2boys · Today 10:16

I left school aged 16 in 1990 in Bury so very much a northern town ,
Ime it was more of a mix some went straight into work ,some got a YTS and some went to college
None of the local schools ( apart from the private one ) had a sixth form but there were a couple sixth form colkeges
And there was also a large technical collge offering more practical courses
So you are also generalising

Edited

Yes that sounds similar to what I know.
The girls would still be living at home though in the main.

Idayatatime · Today 10:32

Flipperthepriest · Yesterday 18:52

Was pre-marital sex really frowned on much as late as 1990?

The most sexually promiscuous generation were the youth of the 1960s with the introduction of the pill & the prevalence of recreational drugs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread