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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to want to socialise with partner’s friends/family?

50 replies

ProfessorofDarkArts · Yesterday 19:18

I’ve been with my partner 5 years, very happy but don’t live together. I really value my own space and increasingly my free time - I don’t like too many social commitments as I get older and prefer at least 2/3 nights to myself a week and a couple of free weekends in a month.

Partner wants me to go out with his friends and do things with his family, they’re all perfectly nice but I prefer spending time with my own friends, with him, with my daughter or by myself. I’ve done the years of in-laws when I was married and I’m not really interested in someone else’s family. My parents are getting older which takes up time too.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend anyone but why do I need to be included all the time? AIBU not to want to or is it just part of a relationship?

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · Yesterday 19:21

I think if you’re in a proper relationship, it’s normal for a partner to want to include you in seeing friends and family. It’s not like you need to see them all the time!

saraclara · Yesterday 19:26

Your approach is... unusual. Of course he wants you to be in his social circle, to be part of his family. It's pretty normal. He wants them to know you.

I think this is one of those things that you need to suck up occasionally, for his sake.

Itiswhysofew · Yesterday 19:31

I suppose it's just a normal thing to do, although I fully understand you wanting to be in control of how you spend your time. If you dont want to be a part of his world, he'll have to accept it and take it from there.

PepsiBook · Yesterday 19:33

Because you would tend to spend time with your partners family and friends.
What you're describing is not a partner, it's a boyfriend.

QueenOfAccountability · Yesterday 19:35

Depends. How often is he asking this of you?

Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries - yes, i'd expect to attend them.

2 or 3 nights a week down the pub - not so much.

MrsTerryPratchett · Yesterday 19:37

You don't live together. You don't want to merge lives. All good.

But you're signalling to him that your relationship is casual and not really a partnership. He may want something different.

Sosorryaboutthis · Yesterday 19:39

He is not your partner. He is a man you date.

CheeseMakesMeFart · Yesterday 19:41

There's no right or wrong here. It's normal for him to invite you and normal for you to not always go if you don't want to.

You get one life and time goes fast. Do what you want to do.

ithinkthereforeyouarewrong · Yesterday 19:41

Depends how often - once a month fine. Couple of times a week - not so
much.
id probably view it on a time by time basis. So sisters wedding - go. Sunday lunch when you saw them last week - decline.

Catza · Yesterday 19:42

Does he want you to see them every time and gets offended/upset if you don't? My partner will always offer for me to join him when he is meeting friends but that does not mean I have to agree and, a lot of the time, I don't for the same reasons you are describing. I do join him sometimes and he is OK with me not coming with him every time. He just wants to make the point of offering, that's all.

Skybluecoat · Yesterday 19:42

I’m with you OP. I would feel the same.

Is he really complaining about it? Maybe you aren’t as compatible as you thought if it’s a deal breaker for him?

BarefootHippieChick · Yesterday 19:45

You sound like my friends partner. He makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t like spending time with anyone who isn’t his own family or friends. As a result our friendship group now doesn’t invite them very often because he’s miserable and anti social. Don’t be like him or your partner will end up suffering.

Earheads · Yesterday 19:46

Very reasonable to keep socialising with your partners friends and family to what works for you.

This could be a deal breaker and mean you are incompatible.

Seeing his family every 3 or 4 months is reasonable.
Seeing his friends every 2-3 months.

Very normal to only see joint friends on a regular basis.

Other than that you both see people separately.

Don't be made to feel unreasonable.

Tourmalines · Yesterday 19:47

So you’ve done your time with previous in-laws and not interested in his family. Does he know that ? What an odd way of looking at it . Not even interested in his friends. You sound selfish . That’s not a partnership.

bananaboats · Yesterday 19:50

Agree with PPs it doesn't sound like your very invested in this relationship.

OhBettyCalmDown · Yesterday 19:57

I don’t blame you. I don’t like to over commit myself either. I do think you should have a chat with your partner though and check you actually want the same thing long term. It sounds like he wants more of a traditional relationship and you perhaps want someone to hang out with occasionally.

Pinkissmart · Yesterday 19:57

I mean, he may dump you for this.

Timeforanothernamechange3 · Yesterday 20:00

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do, but it sounds like you and your partner are after different kind of relationships.

seahorsessky · Yesterday 20:01

Nothing wrong with being single if you want, but if you choose to have a partner, you are part of their family too. I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't love and enjoy being with my family/close friends. When life happens-and bad things inevitably will-you need to pull together to care for each other. The only other option is for one person to do it and feel completely unsupported, and might as well be single.

whattheftodo · Yesterday 20:07

You phrase it as you need your time alone etc rather than he’s asking more than you want.

i agree with those saying you have a boyfriend not a partner. Nothing wrong with that tho. My ‘partner’ became my boyfriend as I moved out and left him but we still date. I’m very very happy with this set up and will not ever be changing it that I can see.

Boreded · Yesterday 20:10

You don’t say how often he wants you to do these things…so how can we decide if you are being unreasonable.

It sounds like you don’t want to compromise, which if it is once a fortnight is bad, but if it is 3 times a week is understandable.

Arlanymor · Yesterday 20:12

Maybe you want things to be more causal than he does - maybe expectations on either side don't match.

ThisMachineWillNotCommunicate · Yesterday 20:13

Totally reasonable not to want to regularly socialise with his friends and family and to expect him to do some of his socialising without you. As his partner you should be joining him for key events and celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries etc) but if he’s seeing his parents every weekend for Sunday dinner or his friends every Thursday at the pub then he shouldn’t expect you to join. Even if you lived together I wouldn’t expect you to be seeing his friends/ family more than once a month or so.

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 20:14

There is a middle ground. You don’t have to spend every weekend or even every month,
If he has a very social circle it would be nice on occasion to join him.

ViciousCurrentBun · Yesterday 20:14

You are not compatible if you never ever want to do this. If he was asking for every week and all your spare time that would be different.