Not to want to socialise with partner’s friends/family?

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

I’ve been with my partner 5 years, very happy but don’t live together. I really value my own space and increasingly my free time - I don’t like too many social commitments as I get older and prefer at least 2/3 nights to myself a week and a couple of free weekends in a month.

Partner wants me to go out with his friends and do things with his family, they’re all perfectly nice but I prefer spending time with my own friends, with him, with my daughter or by myself. I’ve done the years of in-laws when I was married and I’m not really interested in someone else’s family. My parents are getting older which takes up time too.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend anyone but why do I need to be included all the time? AIBU not to want to or is it just part of a relationship?

I feel the same as you OP. I only see my own friends once a month or two, I cant be bothered socialising. I want to go to work, come home, relax, potter, spend time with my kid. I enjoy my own conpany. So wouldn't want to spend my time socialising with his friends. I've never understood this need to hang out with a partners friends. If i do want to see my own friends, my partner being there changes the dynamic.

There is a balance to be struck. I can completely understand wanting to protect downtime and not wanting to have to tag along to everything with him. I think it’s really important for couples to maintain independent lives and networks and not become codependent.

But refusing to socialise with his friends and family at all comes across as rude and sends him (and them) a message that you see yourself as different from them.

I think for the sake of the relationship it is important to make some basic effort occasionally.

I presume this is a mature relationship?
I totally get that you have family and friends you want to see?
Colleagues and a daughter.
Life is busy.

You enjoy your partner but don't need to be around his circle regularly.

I totally get it.

As we age, time is so precious.
I won't do even a coffee if it doesn't work for me.

To answer those who’ve asked, it’s not loads - every few months probably, but I feel rude saying no if it doesn’t work for me eg he’s accepted us both for a weekend away but I’ve got plans the 2 days before so would have preferred a quiet one. It’s just miscommunication I think but I hate hurting him and don’t want to offend anyone. I’m always pleasant if I do go, I wouldn’t put him in an awkward position.

I disagree that we’re incompatible as partners - I do think of us more than just girlfriend and boyfriend - but in terms of what we want out of the relationship, yes there are differences. But we’ve both been married before and I don’t want to make the mistakes I made previously. I guess we both need to compromise a bit.

@Earheads yes were both in our 50s. I do feel for him sometimes putting up with my middle aged lack of tolerance and wish for a bit of solitude 😳

Set him free. Let him find someone who wants the same level of commitment as he does .

Yanbu.
You like him, want to spend time with him, but have a busy life beyond him.
That is ok.
Think about how much you are prepared to give and tell him.
Once he knows where you are on this, he can decide if he can meet you where you are.
Neither of you are wrong.

This is compatibility and meeting in the middle if you can.

I can understand how you value your free time and like to choose who you socialize with. I feel much the same way - but because of that I don't have a partner and don't particularly want one. However should I ever get one then I am old enough to understand that there needs to be compromise in relationships, which you seem unwilling to do. I agree, you are not in a partnership, you just have a longstanding boyfriend.

It’s every few months, not a weekly thing. You really can’t suck it up for him to see his friends/family every few months? That’s really not a lot to ask to be honest.

I agree.

We are the same. He doesn’t come out with my friends and family, and I don’t go out with his. I can’t see the problem.

I'm 55 .. recently finished a relationship due to this. I didn't want to hang out with his friends , family. So much happier now.

You do what suits you. If that doesn’t work for him, then he needs to communicate that.

You can’t meet you with his friends/family once every few months?

That’s quite rigid. But it’s up to you.
you should explicitly tell him that though.

I don't think 6 times a year is a lot but obviously you do so if it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work!

I feel sorry for the friend who has to suffer a lack of invites just because friendship group doesn't like her partner.

It's weird not to engage with a partners life.

You aren’t in a relationship. At best, you’re friends with benefits. It sounds like he wants an actual partner.

She should just go without him.

Don’t be silly. Some people don’t need or want to spend time with their partner’s friends or family.

I want most of my nights in and quiet. I’m good with infrequent socializing. my husband’s family is visited occasionally. He goes without me sometimes too as they do like to see him without the full entourage.

I really think it depends on how often he expects these visits.

And that is not a partnership. If you are not willing to be a part of each other’s lives, not live together, not socialise together, then I still say you are, at best, friends with benefits.

I get it, OP. I think a lot of it boils down to different family cultures, what you’re used to, and what you want from a relationship.

I grew up abroad and British family relationships feel quite claustrophobic to me, what with all the Sunday roasts and traipsing around the country for big family weddings and Christenings and 30th anniversary celebrations and the rest of it, everyone up in one another’s business.

I saw my parents about once a year in adulthood, until they got old and I moved nearby to help.

I couldn’t be arsed with getting super involved with a partner’s family in my 50s with a kid of my own.

That said, I don’t think it’s an unusual or unreasonable expectation in a relationship.

Not part of each other’s lives because he goes out with his friends and she goes out with hers? Not everyone needs to be joined at the hip.

I don’t go out with DP’s friends. I don’t live with him. But I holiday with him, I have sex with him, I know all about his colleague’s lives, I know about his medical problems, his anxieties and worries, what keeps him up at night. I know the little things from what his plans are for the week, whether he won at darts and that he forgot to order caramel syrup in his latte. I also know the big things about childhood trauma and family issues.

I don’t think him having a pint with him and my friend would mean he is more part of my life. That’s bizarre.

Now you've clarified you are only talking about once every few months, YABVU.

If you just want a 'fwb' relationship you should have made that very clear much earlier on in this relationship. He isn't a 'partner' if you aren't committing to being part of his life.

You don't need to be joined at the hip at all, and can, of course have plenty of nights in on your own, and also see friends separately, but if you can't bring yourself to spend a reasonable amount of time with his family, or close friends when they invite you to, YABU.