Missing my dd

[cupfinalchaos]

I have a 29yo dd who I brought up for 10 years alone as her dad was never at home which was a blessing as when he was he was hideous. So being just the two of us, we were exceptionally close. I have since remarried and she adores her step dad.

She recently moved in with her bf and i’m having a wallow this evening.. she’s on a plane to NY and didn’t even message me to say bye. What’s wrong with me? I should be happy she has a great job, loving partner and close friends. Wasn’t easy living with an adult child and she drove me to distraction but tonight for some reason I’m feeling that part of me is missing and gone forever. Please knock some sense into me!

OP, it is ok to miss your child. She is enjoying life and you are happy for her. You are not a twerp.
My eldest child died and my younger 2 no longer live in this country. I am glad the younger ones are happy and independent. I still miss them and my grief for my eldest will never get better.
I see the younger ones a couple of times a year, but I still miss them. It is normal.

Come off it @BMW6surely our kids always feel like our kids. My 20 yo dd always feels like my bestie ( I know I’m not hers!) and i hate when she leaves. We’re allowed to have a moment of loss when they’re distant whatever age they are.
hugs @cupfinalchaos

On a plane to New York for what? A holiday/trip? If so YABU. She is an adult. Why does she have to say goodbye? Presumably you told her to have a nice time the last time you spoke to her? A goodbye is not necessary.

I get missing them though. Both my adult DD's have made lives for themselves far away from me. They have jobs, partners, homes of their own, and friends and its hard sometimes as I wish they were just down the road and I could see them more. But I feel proud of them for having the courage to live their own lives and not be tied to Mummy's apron strings.

Your relationship with them just changes as they grow and leave, as it should. We have no choice but to adapt but its okay to miss her. It just makes you human.

Harsh!

Obviously empty nest feelings are a thing but she’s 29. You should be proud of her and pleased she’s happy. I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you.

People will be feeling lost as DC has gone to University.

As for “ part of me is missing and gone forever”
I feel like this but my daughter died 6 years ago.
You did ask to have sense knocked into you.
Try to get your feelings in perspective for your own sake.

Aw op it’s a change. I miss my lovely kid who went to uni randomly, they are just such a cheery soul. Although I have a similar aged one to you who has such severe mental illness they’ll never leave - I think leaving is healthy and good and you’ve done a great job xx

It's really not normal to message your mum goodbye before you go on holiday! I'm sure she will be in touch in a couple of days to let you know how it's going.

Thank you for knocking sense into me. I’m totally ashamed and so very sorry for your incredible loss 🌷

Sorry I didn’t mean to sound unkind. Be good to yourself.

I remember your posts and what you went through. Thank you for having the grace not to call me a twerp when if anyone would have reason to it’s you x

She's definitely not nearly middle aged but yes at 29 you gave to let go though I can see why you feel like this. I still like my late thirties kids to let me know they have arrived safely after a long drive.

Not unkind at all, rather very generous! Thank you.

Erm, says who? Both mine and my OH’s family all message to say “Just got on the plane, see you in X days!” etc.

I’m more baffled you don’t say goodbye to people when you go somewhere. That’s the literal point of the word…

Bloody hell 🤣

I get it OP, my eldest is 36 and lives at the other end of the Country to me (he and Dil moved away). I miss him a lot, it’s often hard to get a phone call even as he’s so busy, I’ve literally just left a voicemail after trying again.

How long ago was your empathy bypass? And how’s the recovery going?

My 33 year old still messages me when she goes away. Usually with her flight number so I can follow her on flight radar. She's married too. We text when we land too. Even my son texts us in the family chat between the 3 of us.
It's just nice, we are not in each others pockets but looks ke to check in on each other.

You sound very unpleasant.

I totally get it, of course you miss someone you are so close to and lived with until recently.
Allow yourself a little wallow for an evening maybe, then pull up your pants and indulge yourself- eat exactly what you like, use all the hot water for a really long bath, try and reframe this as an opportunity to be really self centered and think what you want to do next - hobbies, travel, learning, career?? Try and book in some nice stuff to look forward to.

😂

You are such a rude person! Her daughter is travelling to another country. Of course it's reasonable to expect a bye text. In my family we update each other when we board etc. It's pretty normal when someone is on a journey. Why are you so angry about it?

There's nothing wrong with you. Clearly you've got it in perspective but your only child moved out and you're bound to have feelings about it. There's a massive difference between saying 'this is unbearable and I wish she'd move back in' and saying 'I know this is a good thing but I still feel really sad and it's a big change'.

will she come back op?

I do, and I'm 49. And my Mum does too. Different strokes etc.