To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

So someone else potty trained your child for you. Well done 👏

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

If life teaches you one thing it's that sitting nicely and listening is overrated and that doing your own thing is probably going to make you happier.

My child was the first in our NCT group to talk and potty train by quite a way. Currently in the top reading set in Reception.

They were the only one in the group to NOT go to nursery.

Kids vary wildly at this age. Your example proves nothing.

Ugh judgey mum groups. I hope you didn’t gossip about her being the SAHP to the others. I was that mum you describe. Sounds like you’re trying to deflect your own guilt OP.

My DD was nearly 3 before speaking properly, way behind her peers. She left year 11 with 12 x grade 9 GCSE’s. Its not a competition (and she did go to nursery, she was just a later developer than some peers).

When I was young reception was bit for getting kids ready for school. My kids they all had a year of pre-school - after they were 3 to get them ready for school.

Now according to OP kids are "behind" if they haven't had nursery before 2.

Most people have to work now and it's not a choice so some form of childcare is needed but the push to make it the default and "better" option is annoying.

Well the counter to that is that instead of being little children and developing as nature intended, we are dragging them into formal settings and forcing them to be compliant at an age where they shouldnt be.

I felt I had no choice and that I had to send mine to nursery, but if I had my time again, I would do everything I could to make a different choice.

ETA that we all do what we need to do and we shouldnt feel guilty for making either choice. Point is, neither one is "right" just "least worst" for anyones given situation.

This is the most ludicrous post I’ve read all day. Your straw poll of one is lacking a bit in scientific rigour. It’s normal for boys to not want to sit down for an activity. Newsflash: boys and girls are different.

Boys generally potty train later. My DS was nearly three, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. One of my children had very delayed speech and the other was super articulate and learned to read before starting school, even though they had a very similar start in life. And none of the above has made any difference to them as teenagers. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for sending your child to nursery, as the guilt seems to be bursting out in a very judgey way.

Your friends child sound like my child. My child was in nursery from 9 months.
I also worked in a nursery when I was younger and seen plenty of children who couldn't sit and listen, had speech delay and struggled toilet training.
I think you need a larger sample size than your small group of friends to decide that not going to nursery delays development.
I also find it quite unkind that you would write a post like this about your friend. I don't think it's a genuine post. More likely you trying to ease that mum guilt for using nursery or just trying to be controversial.

Nah, mine didn’t do nursery and had great speech by the age of 2. They could read and write by the time they started school. I get that nursery can provide an opportunity for social development once a child reaches a certain age, but I’m very capable of doing the rest!

I have a child with extra needs. Your response while maybe not smug or judgemental is very sad. It’s most likely at your meet up she was comparing and is now worrying he is behind. She might already be looking for support for speech that you don’t know about. Having a child with extra needs can be a tough and lonely place . Or he could be a wildly different child in a few month. I am over sensitive as I do have a child who was behind and different to others but luckily I have amazing friends who supported and were kind

Yeah there’s a sense of superiority about your post rather than one of compassion. I hope she has other, nicer friends in her circle. We all do the best we can in the circumstances we have. It’s such a shame from talking to friends with similar experiences that these NCT type mum groups so often become about oneupmanship rather than support.

Plenty of people, myself included, believe it's bad for children's development to be looked after by strangers at such a young age. It's not all about preparing kids to be another brick in the wall.

You make your choices, and she can make hers.

My daughter was at home with us until recently (only looked after by relatives). She's only lately gone into nursery at 3 - she just does mornings.

I'd say it's the other way round here - lots of the longstanding attendees are not potty trained at an equivalent age and the nursery staff seem surprised at my daughter's language skills, etc.

Isn’t this the entire point? 2 year olds SHOULD be given the chance to charge about, develop at their own pace, and act like the infant that they are. If they don’t speak well, and you can wait, you wait. Little trained mini adults at toddler age isn’t a good thing. Putting non or only semi verbal children into childcare isn’t a good thing (they are extremely vulnerable). Once they get to 3 or 4 and/or when they can start to hold a conversation, fine.

And I did use pre-schools for mine. You do indeed sound so smug and self-congratulatory OP.

You are being judgy, and it won’t matter when they’re 18, if they were potty trained at 2, but the DM will have fond memories of spending lots of time with them as a baby and toddler.

FYI my great nephew at nursery was 3.5 before being potty trained,

I work in a nursery. We have children who find it absolutely impossible to sit still and listen. We have children who aren’t yet potty trained, for a variety of different reasons.

We have children who are dry early, can sit and listen, and can also do basic x tables.

All children progress differently.

YABU!

Neither of mine went to nursery until they went to school nursery at 3. Eldest, didn't talk until she was 3, wasn't fully potty trained until she was 5 and always struggled academically. Youngest was putting words together before she was 1, fully potty trained day and night by the time she was 2 and excelled academically. Eldest is autistic and dyslexic, youngest is also dyslexic.

You can't tell anything about a child's development or academics when they're 2!

No, I strongly disagree. I do think that nursery and preschool can offer some benefits to children but I don’t necessarily believe that they outweigh some of the benefits of spending longer at home with a parent. The best option is whatever works for your family. I also think where there is a wide gap between children of a similar age there are often other reasons at play.

I’m a SAHM, neither of my children have been to nursery but have been to preschool from 3 for 2 days per week. My youngest was potty trained from 2, excellent speech and language skills, loves to join in for group activities. My eldest was very much like your friends little boy and is now 6 with a diagnosis of ASD and we are in the process of trying to get him a specialist school place. The differences between him and his peers get wider the older he gets. So my 2 boys, both parented in exactly the same way were two very different toddlers.

I can only suggest you focus on your own child and maybe try to sympathise with your friend about the fact her child is developing at a different pace, it’s a very lonely place to be as a mum when you can see your child isn’t quite meeting the same milestones.

How many of the group are boys?

Are all these children really reading and writing before they go to school ?!

Mine both went to nursery and then pre-school, admittedly part-time. We did tons of activities at home. They could both approximately write their name just about legibly, and read the odd two or three letter words by sounding them out, but I'd hardly call it reading and writing.

I must produce simpletons !

I'd happily have kept them both at home if I'd had the chance. There's a lifetime of school and work, the early years were my precious time with them.

When a 4 or 5 year old starts school you can tell if they went to daycare as an infant? Or are you talking about pre-school the year before a child starts school, which is totally different?

In my reply to another comment I say that it makes no difference when they started. Just if they had been to another setting. start in the baby room or do a year before school it doesn’t matter on their start but I can tell yes the kind of start they’ve had.
edited for clarity!

I think that’s all just normal variance of children that age.

I think when you get to school you can notice differences between children who attended a good amount of quality preschool education and those who didn’t, most of that is socially and transition based and not academically though.

No need for them to be in nursery under the age of three (except for children who are in neglectful circumstances perhaps).

All two year olds struggle to sit still and listen whether or not they go to nursery. They are just made to conform to a group environment.

However, preschool is good for them developmentally - the 15 hours we used to get was ideal for the child - as the majority of children are ready to play with peers and want to join in with others in group experiences.

I think nursery can make them grow up too quickly in some ways. They have a whole childhood to learn to be independent. Most master the skills for school and conformity at preschool, they don’t need to be there younger.

Some of the most well adjusted school leavers I’ve cared for only did the 15 hours from preschool age.

My youngest didn't go to nursery at 2, she did go to nursery 3 hours a day in the primary school when she turned 3 which I think was great for getting her ready for school. I don't think it's necessary at 2 though.

She's now in year 2 and is in the top groups academically and at parents evening the other day the teacher only had positive things to say so I don't think her nursery days had any affect on her development in the long run.