“I’ll leave you to get on with it” - Aibu to not have greeted my DH this morning after blazing row?

[Haveacold]

DH upset me last night. We planned to watch a movie together after a long hard week and instead he chose to go the pub. I just said, in a tone I was careful of, I thought it was our night tonight? I’m a bit sad that we don’t get that time together now.

he shouted at me, told me to see a psychiatrist and then said our relationship is going to fail if I don’t change my form of thinking.

obviously this made me cry. I tried to hide in the kitchen to stop him seeing me cry but he came in before he left and saw me. He sighed and said “shall I just leave you to get on with it?” A pretty impossible question - if I said no it would mean he wouldn’t go and I’d get the blame.

he was gone for a few hours and came back to saying he was heartbroken about me being upset. I said I wasn’t upset he went the pub, I was upset that he screams at me and tells me it’s wrong to cry. We went to bed alone,

this morning he got up early with DC (he does Sundays, I do every other day). I walked into the living room and said a general good morning, kids came up to hug me. DH stayed laying on the couch. I made a cup of tea and sat down and he said, in front of the kids, “no hug, no kiss, no good morning? Fucking hell another shit day”

he’s since screamed again and told me he’s sick of me being sad, I need antidepressants and that he expects his wife when she walks into a room he’s in, to say good morning. WIBU not to after last night?

Exactly this. your relationship is their blueprint.

Have you found the unanimous replies helpful?

Ask the GP for therapy for your children, they are demonstrating that they need help.

I have voted YABU only because you haven’t left this “man” a long time ago. He is abusive Op, do you want your kids growing up to hear him speak to you like that?

Why the fuck would you even want to spend five minutes with this piece of shit, let alone an evening?

He’ll get nastier, you’ll feel worse and your kids will be fucked up.

He's verbally abusive to you in front of the kids.
Leave.

You deserve better. I’m oversimplifying my situation but I left my ex partner three months ago with our (then 11 month old child), feelings dismissed for years, tried to make me feel needy for being upset after being shouted at, stupidly never imagined he would do that in front of the child. I can almost guarantee you are not needy. He is being selfish and heartless and you are not being cared for in a way you deserve from a partner.

You need to decide what you want out of your relationship. If he is out all week and you feel that you aren't getting enough time together, then you need to call a truce to talk. Did his screaming start after the last baby? He could think that he's got you were he wants you. The screaming has got to stop. It's affecting your children. The pair of you aren't communicating well and your children will learn that this is how you do it. If you don't get the changes you need, then you need an exit plan. He's right that you can't carry on being sad. It'll keep into you being a Mum and you'll lose yourself. Take control of the situation. The very fact that you had to be careful about what you said, spells the end of things, without radical change.

This, a million percent this. My ex did this to me because that’s what he learned from both his parents. It’s so ingrained in his head that it’s a normal and quite reasonable thing to do. Those children and OP need protecting and help as soon as possible.

Look, I'm twice divorced so I know it's not easy and the fear of change is a big one.

But you are now choosing to live like this, and your children don't get that choice. Make the right decision for them even if you won't make it for yourself.

He doesn’t like or respect you OP. Your Children are mirroring his behaviour. Leave.

“no hug, no kiss, no good morning? Fucking hell another shit day”

He isn't trying to communicate. He is trying to get you back into line.

He sounds horrendous. Please don’t take early comments seriously about you being potentially ’needy’ or whatever else that poster said.
Need to end this now, for your sake and for the sake of the kids. Especially if they’re now copying him. Break the cycle and give you all a better chance of happiness without him.
let him go and spend all his time in the pub , I can’t imagine he’ll be much of a co-parenting dad if he hasn’t got you to fall back on

the kids already shout at me, just like he does

That's your cue to leave.

He’s abusive. He is awful.

You deserve so much more. Please leave him.

OP, how does it make you feel when you read post after post saying that your H’s behaviour is not ok, is not normal, and you don’t have to put up with it?

What’s going on for you when so many people are telling you he’s abusive, and his treatment of you is completely unacceptable, and there’s a clear link between the way he treats you and you being sad?

Are you able to hear this at all, or is it just too much to take in?

Exactly this. I'm very sorry you are going through this. This poster is absolutely right. Leave him.

He sounds horrible. If my DH spoke to me like that I would start divorce proceedings.

It’s occurred to me given your responses op that your husband has made you think you’re the problem, and that’s why your children shout at you too, because you are the problem. This is called gaslighting op. It isn’t true. You can see the responses on this thread are unanimous in realising that it’s not you, it’s him. But are you sat there thinking it’s because we don’t know you? You need help op, because you need to get your kids away from this. What about calling women’s aid? They are an organisation women can talk to to understand that abuse is not their fault. Can you start there?

You have yourself a narcissist. I have lived your life. It will never get better, he will never change. He will continue to belittle and emotionally abuse, blame and gaslight you. Of course you're depressed, he is making you so. But it's your own fault... No! The only remedy to your misery is to leave him. I loved a version of my husband that didn't exist in real life. He once said to me during a row "it's not like i hit you", no he didn't but every other form of abuse available to him. I thank god we never had children but I can tell you yours are suffering from his abuse even if it's aimed only at you. You know this already deep down, you need to leave and get yourself and your children to a safe and happy home. Please trust your gut and believe that you are stronger than you think. There are so many organisations that can help you. Don't accept his breadcrumbs and bullshit any longer!

My guess is for whatever reason he doesn't want to spend time with you...you said he has outside activities every evening...so he went to the pub anyway despite you asking to spend an evening with you then gaslights you and twists everything round to make you feel you are the problem which you aren't. His behaviour is so wrong..don't fall for it

I'm not at all surprised the children are replicating daddy's behaviour. You may very well be depressed too. Who wouldn't be, having been subjected to years of abuse.
You need to seek help with leaving before he completely ruins you and your children.

Said this yesterday about a similar thread and got kicked off the thread.

Ah OP, can you really not see how his abuse is changing them?

It is not normal for children to be shouting at their mother.

They are replicating what they see.

I would not be spoken to like that. Nor have that behaviour/language modelled in from of children.

Can you talk to him without emotion about how bad things have got? Will he commit to couples counselling?