“I’ll leave you to get on with it” - Aibu to not have greeted my DH this morning after blazing row?

[Haveacold]

DH upset me last night. We planned to watch a movie together after a long hard week and instead he chose to go the pub. I just said, in a tone I was careful of, I thought it was our night tonight? I’m a bit sad that we don’t get that time together now.

he shouted at me, told me to see a psychiatrist and then said our relationship is going to fail if I don’t change my form of thinking.

obviously this made me cry. I tried to hide in the kitchen to stop him seeing me cry but he came in before he left and saw me. He sighed and said “shall I just leave you to get on with it?” A pretty impossible question - if I said no it would mean he wouldn’t go and I’d get the blame.

he was gone for a few hours and came back to saying he was heartbroken about me being upset. I said I wasn’t upset he went the pub, I was upset that he screams at me and tells me it’s wrong to cry. We went to bed alone,

this morning he got up early with DC (he does Sundays, I do every other day). I walked into the living room and said a general good morning, kids came up to hug me. DH stayed laying on the couch. I made a cup of tea and sat down and he said, in front of the kids, “no hug, no kiss, no good morning? Fucking hell another shit day”

he’s since screamed again and told me he’s sick of me being sad, I need antidepressants and that he expects his wife when she walks into a room he’s in, to say good morning. WIBU not to after last night?

I voted YABU on the basis that you stay and beg for attention and time together for a man who doesn’t cherish you and talks to you like a POS in front of your children. Poor kids having to watch this unfold. Would you consider leaving?

The constant screaming at you is abusive.

what kind of life and marriage is this?
Do you have nights out at the pub with your friends?
Him going to the pub wouldnt be a problem if you also had an equal social life yourself…
Are you depressed OP?
Focus on getting joy from your life, you shouldn’t be so reliant on him for that - if that means leaving him, it needs to be considered

He sounds utterly awful. You don’t have to put up with his nastiness towards you. Especially when he’s bringing your children into it. At the very least, a husband should make you feel safe, respected and loved. Even when he’s upset with you. Has he always been like this?

He’s emotionally manipulating you to get his own way. Causing a fight so he can disappear to the pub in peace. Then acting all heartbroken once he’s home and had what he wanted. Then he just expects you to forget about it and kiss his arse. I can’t imagine he’ll be in a hurry to change his ways.

Sounds like gaslighting to me.

Depressing life

Didn't you just have another thread about this man? @Haveacold

(You are a crier, he is a nasty abusive cunt?)

I wish people wouldn't name change and start multiple threads.

This, so true.

What does he normally do in the evenings?

Does his parenting involve lying on the sofa?

Shouting is not good. Is this how he normally communicates with you?

You sound like my next door neighbour....it's heartbreaking listening to her crying and telling her husband to stop shouting at her. I'd love to tell her to leave but hopefully one day she'll realise.

Even if you are having a run of being down, a little needy (though I believe you when you say you're not) and some help, his screaming at you, belittling you isn't the actions of a person who has your best interests at heart. The way he is with you would make me think actually any instability you're feeling is due to his actions anyway. He's really out of line to shout at you in front of the children too.

To be honest, it sounds like it could be on the path of your marriage ending unless you guys can find a way to communicate and listen to each other. And I mean him, not you bending over backwards. The way he is with you isn't at all the way to live your life, isn't good for the kids and perhaps it's time for you to think about how you want your future to look.

I rarely say this, but please OP, for the sake of your children, leave the bastard.

Rather than just say good morning after last night I’m struggling to understand if he wanted that, why he didn’t say it to me?

the kids already shout at me, just like he does

What are you doing with this wetwipe? Wouldn’t it be much better to have your own place, with no shouting, and do things with friends, instead of begging for crumbs of affection from him?

This. Verbally and emotionally abusive arsehole who insists you’re the one with the problem. He needs to leave.

This shit show is your kids' normal. You're unreasonable to stick around with a gaslighting asshole who yells at you and doesn't to want to spend time with you.

Just seen your update about the children also being verbally abusive. Unless they’re young, I’d leave the lot of to it and build a new, peaceful life. You deserve better.

Hi op he wasn’t heartbroken he felt guilty because he was a twat. If he was heartbroken he would have come home. Look at the bigger picture is he usually like this. Are date nights not important to him. Can you go the pub and leave him at home. I think there is more to the story.

Op, you don’t need to ruminate on why he does stuff. He does stuff because he’s an arsehole. That isn’t where your thoughts should br focussed.

what you need to put all your thought in to, is how to get your children out of seeing this as normal.

because if you don’t divorce this abusive bully, then they will repeat this life for themselves and their own children.

of course your children shout at you. They think that’s what people do. Because that’s what they’re being shown.

This is not a healthy relationship to be in or to model. Get help or get out.

He sounds horrible, and his behaviour has rubbed off on your kids which is even sadder. I’m sorry x

Lovely for your kids being in the middle of this dead marriage OP. This is them being in the middle of abuse.

You and them will be a lot happier without this person living with you

If this man wasn't your husband. Would you want to spend time with him? If a woman treated you like this would you want to be her friend?
You should be married to someone who treats you as a friend. Who cares for your feelings and wants you to be happy. This doesn't sound like a man who wants these things. Maybe it's time to change your future. I think your life would be much happier if he wasn't part of it. If you separate, it will be tricky, but you will be happier and your children will grow up knowing that being in relationship should enrich their life not diminish it.

This x100.

Nothing OP can ever do will stop him from being a total arsehole but choosing to hide away and cry is not a reaction that's going to make her life any less shit.

Getting angry is a useful reaction, not by yelling back but by getting focused on divorcing the twat.

This isn’t normal OP. A husband should not routinely shout at you and make you feel like crap, for years and years until your kids are copying him. Like others have said, you need to shift your focus, stop putting any energy into thinking about him and why he does what he does, and focus on the steps you need to take, one by one, to build a different life without him. He’s not going to change, your marriage isn’t going to get any better, because you’re married to an arsehole.