“I’ll leave you to get on with it” - Aibu to not have greeted my DH this morning after blazing row?

[Haveacold]

DH upset me last night. We planned to watch a movie together after a long hard week and instead he chose to go the pub. I just said, in a tone I was careful of, I thought it was our night tonight? I’m a bit sad that we don’t get that time together now.

he shouted at me, told me to see a psychiatrist and then said our relationship is going to fail if I don’t change my form of thinking.

obviously this made me cry. I tried to hide in the kitchen to stop him seeing me cry but he came in before he left and saw me. He sighed and said “shall I just leave you to get on with it?” A pretty impossible question - if I said no it would mean he wouldn’t go and I’d get the blame.

he was gone for a few hours and came back to saying he was heartbroken about me being upset. I said I wasn’t upset he went the pub, I was upset that he screams at me and tells me it’s wrong to cry. We went to bed alone,

this morning he got up early with DC (he does Sundays, I do every other day). I walked into the living room and said a general good morning, kids came up to hug me. DH stayed laying on the couch. I made a cup of tea and sat down and he said, in front of the kids, “no hug, no kiss, no good morning? Fucking hell another shit day”

he’s since screamed again and told me he’s sick of me being sad, I need antidepressants and that he expects his wife when she walks into a room he’s in, to say good morning. WIBU not to after last night?

Do you respect yourself? Because he doesn’t.

Having been the child in this kind of environment, my heart breaks for your kids.

You would be better off without him in your home.

@Haveacold He spoke to you like that in front of the kids?!?

And he shouted at you because he does stuff every single night so you asked for ONE night a week to spend with him?!

Sorry but that's not a relationship. He sounds very aggressive and controlling.

I suggest you take his advice and stop being sad about things and tell him very firmly that how dare he speak to you like that in front of the kids, and if he speaks to you like that again he can leave and not come back.

It’s difficult to leave. All of the advice here is right. But being married to this type man is very upsetting & confusing. You are a nice person & a good mum. It’s so easy to to blame yourself & get depressed, too. And others will say, why did you marry him, why don’t you leave etc… You will find your way, OP. It’s horrible when he ruins another weekend.

Wow, I would never waste my life living with a git. Please find yourself a good man. You don't deserve the one you are currently hitched to.. Actually I'm not sure who would deserve to be married to him. He's horrible. please show him the answers you will get about this.

I know people can jump to affair quickly on here and I don't usually agree with it, but that was a lot of fuss he created to get out of the house last night. Then flipping from feeling guilty last night to turning it into you being the problem this morning. The mental health line too, it will all be in your head if you suspect or discover evidence of an affair.
Affair or not, he's a nasty piece of work. He sounds abusive.

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Personally I would be looking to end the relationship and move on. This isn’t a man I’d want to be married to. Going to the pub is one thing but screaming and swearing at you in front of the children is completely unacceptable. I would get him sat down and give him an ultimatum. Either he mends his ways or the marriage is over.

This is a highly abusive relationship for years.
You need to wake up to that.
Your poor children being emotionally abused by witnessing their fathers abuse of their mother.

Spend time with him?

No. You need to contact Women's aid and get help for yourself and your children.

Have you really no idea how damaged they must be witnessing you being abused by him?

Tell family and friends the truth and get help.
He is a very nasty piece of work.

Your poor poor children.
You all deserve so much better than this.

Agree. I’d make 3 nights a week mine to go out from now on (you have to go out and leave him to it sorry)and tell him if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t get to get sad about it, I’m just caring about him and time with him the way he cares about me, which is not at all, and taking a leaf out of his book and looking after myself, but I’ll try not to be horrible and shout at him as well as putting myself first, because I don’t want to be that much like him ever. And if he ever swears and shouts like that in front of the kids again he has to leave.
you can’t accept this. He has you worn down.

A friend of mine had a dh like this. She packed a bag and went to stay elsewhere. His evening activities were kaput.

If he can't stand @Haveacold company one evening a week then whatever is the point.

Well, your children's future therapists will thank you both for the work this trauma leads to.

Obviously he's an abusive prick, and he needs to either entirely change his attitude towards you (unlikely) or leave.

It sounds to me as if he’s checked out of your relationship and is doing everything he can not to be present, including screaming at you to control you. I’d make plans to get rid of him.

he shouted at me, told me to see a psychiatrist and then said our relationship is going to fail if I don’t change my form of thinking.

@Haveacold whatever relationship you have with this man honestly doesn't sound like saving. The only way you need to change your "form of thinking" as he puts it is to stop pussyfooting around trying to make things work and instead go and see a divorce lawyer/women's aid or whatever and make your plans to rid yourself and your DC of this abusive arsehole.

I realise that must seem like a daunting task but it is surely better than what you have now.

OP, he sounds horrible.

You can’t change a man like this, but you can do sone thinking about why you’d want to spend an evening a week with him when he’s such a mardy twat who gets instantly aggressive and verbally abusive the minute anyone else asks anything of him.

He has you in a horrible bind, where he wants you to be friendly and happy so that he never has to think of you as a person in your own right, just a smiling robot who facilitates his life - - while behaving in a way that makes it impossible for you to feel friendly and happy and affectionate towards him. And then you’re to blame, you’re the problem, etc. Textbook shitty abusive man behaviour.

You could move past these conflicts and snap back to being cheerful and affectionate only if he acknowledged his own part in them, felt genuine guilt and remorse, and worked to make consistent changes. He won’t.

He is outsourcing all his own neediness, all his own emotion, to you and then attacking you for it (look up the term ‘projective identification’ to see how this works).

Your options are to find a way to leave, or to find a way to separate yourself psychologically from him so that you understand what’s his stuff and what’s yours and stop letting him shit into your psyche.

Nobody should be screamed at in their own home, or denigrated in front of their children.

It’s normal to cry when you’re screamed at. It shows you still have some sense of what’s healthy and not healthy in a loving relationship. You are not oversensitive.

If you are depressed I’d be willing to bet it’s situational depression - living like this, with a partner who’s out every night and letting you down and screaming at you is depressing!

Life doesn’t have to be like this.

Let go of the idea that he will change if you can just get him to see what his impact is. People like this will gnaw their own limbs off rather than take accountability or reflect on how they affect others.

Pull your energies right back into taking good care of yourself and the kids and think about how peaceful things might be without this entitled shouting arsehole in your lives.

Did he say all of that in front of the kids? I don’t know what’s worse, this, or the fact that you’re pleading for attention from the abusive twat.

@Haveacold do listen and take note of the advice given by the MN community.

This man is an abusive piece of scum. Is there anywhere you and the children can stay?

Could you afford to rent a little place of your own with the kids, while divorce proceedings get going? Or could family or good friends put you up for a while?

Best of luck 🌺

Honestly, life does NOT need to be like this. You deserve better.

He's ground you down to think that this abuse is normal.
Then when he gives you breadcrumbs of love and attention, you are ever so grateful.
FUCK THAT SHIT. 😠

FIND YOUR ANGER. 💯
How fucking dare he speak to you like that in front of your children.
Either he bucks his fucking ideas up, or put him out on his arse and LTB! 🖕

Why aren't you going out for hobbies 3 nights per week?
He's a cheeky twat who takes the piss, he wants his cake and to eat it too!
Just no 👎

Have you got a support network?
Do you rent /home own?
Are you married /partner?
Can you get access to financials?

Time to put on your big girl pants and get your ducks in a bloody row! 🦆🦆🦆
@Haveacold

This 10000% 👏

Genuinely are you okay with being spoken to like that? He's being massively unreasonable and I can't imagine how you feel living in a house like this. It won't be long before your child is effected as they see how a relationship should be from you.

Is this another one of these men who are out until all hours doing their 'hobbies' every evening and out at work all day but think that you should feel sexy and desirable when they finally find a gap in their schedule to fit you in?

There seems to be a lot of them about at the moment.

If you have boys your DH is teaching them to treat women like shit. If you have girls he is teaching them to be abused in their future relationships.

Sorry OP but this is not a healthy marriage. I think you would be much happier without him.

This is not normal OP!

What you need is to get far away from this abusive cunt, pronto. You’ll find that is an anti depressant in itself.

My ex was like this, especially the despicable comments in front of the children when he had been the one to cause the original issue. Note the term ex.

Leave him. Where is the care? The respect? His behaviour is completely unacceptable, there is no question on that. So don’t waste time thinking about that, instead put your energies on working out how to leave him practically and safely. You deserve so much better. He basically wants to do what he wants, when he wants with no regard for anyone but himself. No one is to have a voice, a need or a desire other than him. This is not the behaviour of a fully functioning adult. This isn’t someone who has behaved badly as a one off and recognises it as such, it is continued and deliberate self absorption and cruelty. No, this is not acceptable for you or your children.