horrid in laws, aibu

[mymel]

me and my dbf have been living together for just under a year now, in our hometown, with our 2 cats. our relationship has been nothing but rocky due to his mothers actions.

straightaway i was met with hostility, 3 months into our relationship she gave him an ultimatum to break up with me or he's kicked out (because i like childish things like hello kitty, sylvanian familes she called him a pedophile and insinuated i was one of those adult baby people, we are the same age!)
she said 10 hours later not to bother breaking up bc he changed his mind.

loads of other little niggly things like calling me huge etc that wore me down, asking me for money 24/7 and not repaying it - just loads of general shitty things. then we get to where me and dbf are thinking of moving into our own place, so we save and save.at this point we're a week into living here, no washer, no oven yet, and she asks us to pay her rent arrears off (around £500) dbf stands up says no, as we've just moved in here, so her daughter pays it out of her savings to move out... fantastic 🫠

i looked through our banking transactions and she had about £300 off of us when we first moved in here, over the course of 2 months, in £10 here £30 there increments, never at once. she never bothers with us, except to bring drama to our lives. i'm sick to death, we go no contact and she gets sister in law or brother in law(who is 13) to spam call dbf or me, and its that bad we had to block the whole family now :( im so sick of it, sometimes i think its for the best me and my partner go our seperate ways as i have a disability that gets worse with stress

Honestly she isn't going to change OP. I'd seriously consider walking away.

Yes, I would end the relationship with your boyfriend.

It doesn’t sound like any of you (you, him, his family members) are mature enough or emotionally stable to make good decisions, build and maintain good relationships or develop and enact consistent boundaries.

If she's the only cause of stress then go no contact. I wouldn't ditch the boyfriend if things are otherwise good.

Why the hell were you giving her money though?

i'm in a bit of a predicament now where dbf would be homeless if we were to break up, due to his horrid mother. i don't even know what to do. we're both early 20's and have been together for almost 3 years

she has a 13yo child in her house (dbf's younger sibling, she'd say she has no money for heating, electric or needs money for food etc. she would harrass us til she got it so handing it over was the only thimg we could do.and back then dbf would just hand it over because she is his mother 🫠 annoying

i was building good relationships with his family, and i have a good relationship with my boyfriend apart from his family meddling in it. we just let them crack on now, but the past and what she's said and done to me and what she continues to try and do is wearing me down majorly. so much so i had a mental health crisis in march, and sadly we lost a baby in august. nobody was there for us during this and it was so upsetting.

If you like the guy and are definitely on the same page regarding the rest of his family then you don't need to split up with him, you both need to split up with his family.

It's not an uncommon situation. One of our male friends has a very intermittent and "at arms length" relationship with his family but a very good relationship with his wife's family.

Why would dbf be homeless? It is his choice whether to move back to her house or move on. Assuming you are competent adults you each have free choice. Do you both work?

we're going to have a conversation about blocking them and also we've been looking at moving away from them when our tenancy is up where we live, though i dont want to move because our house is lovely and neighbors are great too. but i'm willing to do it just to get a bit of peace

So is DP on the same page as you or is he still likely to give his mother money?

If he’s still enmeshed I would dump him. He can go and live with Mummy.

Were you living with her and are now not?
If you want to break up with him, can you afford the house alone? If so and you don’t want to be with him, do that.

He won’t be homeless. Presumably he has a job?

i cant work due to mobility disability, boyfriend doesnt because he's my carer (i struggle to do a lot of things when i have a flare up like washing myself, going outside independently) most of the time i am independent thanks to medication but i am still in pain a lot

he would be homeless as he has no other family members and his mother definitely wouldnt take him back in, we know this

i lived with her for3 months after a fall out witj my parents, then i moved out of there bc my grandparents were concerned for me as she was taking literally all my moneyleaving me with nothing
so i moved in with grandparents for 6 months and they allowed me to save to move out, i would put all my money away and give my grandparents "board" and then i would spend maybe £100 on myself (pain meds, deep heat, and the occasional charity shop trip) the rest was put away.

So he could work when you are not unwell? Or you could find a carer if he is working and you need support? Maybe pt work so he can help you in the mornings. How old are you both?

he's been looking for work and had so many interviews but nothing yet. i had a job and worked 30h weeks and that paired with a toxic job environment pushed me to this point where i cant shower independently due to pain, and that i cant go outside due to agoraphobia thats gotten worse. i am a bundle of issues, i feel like a burden sometimes. we are both early 20's

‘I think it’s for the best me and my partner go our separate ways as I have a disability that gets worse with stress’

If you don’t work, where would you live if you split up with him and need a carer?

In the kindest possible way you need to deal with your own issues first.

Your MH is precarious and your BF is having to be your carer which stops him establishing himself independently which isn't fair to either of you.

You are very young and really you need to focus on your MH and getting yourself into work before you will be able to take on complicated relationship issues with BF family. It isn't fair to yourself to give up on financial independence so early in your life due to other people putting barriers and stressing you.

If he's her registered carer then that is his job.

It does sound rather precarious if you are young in a fairly new relationship and need him to be your carer. Not your fault but a difficult situation which leaves you both rather trapped and unable to move forward. Far from ideal for a young person to be a carer and not be building employment history. I think you need to think carefully about your options in case you break up.

The MIL sound awful so I hope he agrees to stay strong and not give her money and stands up for you.

This sounds very difficult for you both. You’ve become dependent on him as your carer which means he can’t work and he’s dependent on your financially. You are both therefore stuck with his Mum if he can’t cut her off, and you sound like you’ve fallen out with your own parents.

I’d really trying to be focusing on getting yourself self sufficient before you are committing to a long term relationship with this man and his difficult family. Hopefully with support you will be able to get yourself well enough to get back to work and to financially support yourself. Then you can decide about long term plans.

1. Don't attempt another pregnancy at the moment. It wouldn't be fair on the baby and is going to give you a whole set of issues you don't know exist yet.

2. Agree some boundaries between you, starting not lending/giving his mother any more money and limiting the information she has about your lives.

3. It is not supportable for a fit young person to be a carer for someone with very intermittent and sporadic care needs, he should be working and if that presents problems, you need to source official care to assist you.

4. Get further help with your mental health.

Move away.

I'm sorry for the loss of your pregnancy but given the state of your health and with neither of you working it doesn't seem wise to bring a baby into this. You need to focus on your health and getting back into work, he needs to get back into work so you have decent future prospects as a couple. As for his mother, does she work?

Does nobody in this whole family work? Why are your family not in contact with you? You don't sound blameless here.

all of my family members work, i dont speak to most of my family except mums side, and stepdads side of the family due to issues with my dad