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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP should pick DS up from nursery earlier, I really don't know

84 replies

funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 07:48

This is a cause of big problems in our household at the moment so would appreciate advice.

DS is 14 months, this year we have been sharing childcare..DP works mornings, me afternoons we haven't had any probs regarding childcare. We have both had to reduce hours to do this but has been fine.

Next year I want to study,for our future etc.We have decided that DS will have to go to nursery to make this possible. DP is very happy with new timetable (he's not an ambitioius type)and has said that he will pick DS up from nursery about 2 hours after he finishes work because he also needs time to do his things.

Here is the problem. If it were me I would finish work and run to pick DS up. He says that I will have all the morning for me time (studying!) and it's only fair that he has a bit of time for himself in the afternoon. He has also implied that he needs it for his sanity and he'll be much better with DS if he's had some time alone to do his million geeky habits!

This is probably going to happen anyway but I just feel angry that he doesn't want to run and pick DS up. AIBU to feel like this is he BU. I honestly don't know and would love some opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 07:50

sorry, should read; AIBU to feel like this OR is he BU.

OP posts:
LuckySalem · 02/07/2008 07:51

I think it is only fair he has some time to himself..... I stay at home to look after DD all the time and I love the odd couple of hours I get (rarely) when DP takes her out for abit.

As long as you can afford it I don't see a problem.

IdrisTheDragon · 02/07/2008 07:55

Does it make any difference in cost?

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I have also used childcare when I have finished working and so I can have some time to myself.

schneebly · 02/07/2008 07:55

WOULDN'T IT COST LESS IN CHILDCARE IF HE INDULGED IN HIS GEEKY HABITS IN THE EVENINIG AFTER ds IS IN BED OR MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE DS OUT AT THE WEEKEND TO GIVE HIME A FEW HOURS ETC? Oops sorry about caps just noticed!

OrmIrian · 02/07/2008 07:56

YABU. When I used a nursery I used to pick DS#2 up as soon as I could but soon realised that he was enjoying nursery so much it seemed unfair to take him away early (when he was supposed to be there until 4.30). And yes, it was nice to have an hour or so to do things - not hobbies so much as housework and shopping. You can't dictate the sort of relationship he has with his child.

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 07:57

I'm sorry, but I think it is you.

Given the choice, I know I would opt for the extra couple of hours to get me time.

Everyone feels differently about their children, some can't bear to be parted from them for any longer than they have to, some need non-working, non child time to stay vaguely sane. Neither are right or wrong, just different. If he is the latter type, then it doesn't affect you, but letting him get on with it will make him happier in the long run and give you more support

OrmIrian · 02/07/2008 07:57

Might just add that we had to pay until 4.30 anyway. If we'd had to pay more I think I'd have gone without my hours to myself

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:00

yes it makes a difference in cost but not much. Don't live in UK and childcare is a bit cheaper here(but worse quality!)So we can afford the difference.

I will be studying with my time therefore I won't be doing any hobbies, that's why I see it is unfair. Thanks for these opinions..it helps me see both sides.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 08:00

Could you not do it so that DP picks him later a couple of times a week but not every day?

I used to put DS in nursery from about 9months whilst I worked and at times would finish early or have a day off and still take him, but not every day. and not so young.

LuckySalem · 02/07/2008 08:02

Yeh VS makes sense - Ask him if he can pick him up early 2 days a week and let him stay later 3 days? Or vice versa?

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:04

don't worry if I am being U. I just need to know to understand!!

I suppose I have horrible ideas of the nursery but I'm sure he'll enjoy it. It's our only child ATM and i suppose I'm having problems letting him go. The standard of nurseries here is not fantastic which makes me doubt what kind of care he'll be getting.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 02/07/2008 08:05

Ah well is the nursery isn't any good I can see your POV. If DS#2 hadn't enjoyed it I'd have been banging at the doors to get him out asap! But I would still wait and see. He might love it.

oranges · 02/07/2008 08:06

I think it sounds fine, to be honest, and be careful of implying he doesn't love ds like you do - some people are better parents if they have time to themselves.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:06

but we'd have to pay till the end so I can imagine DP being tempted to leave him there all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:07

Very true..need to know if he enjoys it, then i'll feel better!!!

OP posts:
Kimi · 02/07/2008 08:07

Every person parent or not needs some "me" time.
I don't think he is being unreasonable to want this, I don't think you are being unreasonable to rush to pick up your DS if that is what you want to do, but it is something your DP does not want to do, he wants some time to unwind.

I am sure it will work out ok and your DS will love having children to play with and stuff

QuintessentialShadows · 02/07/2008 08:13

In my opinion, studying is me time on a grand scale. The end result might be a better future for both of you, but that is secondary in this instance. He may not see the the full benefit of you studying, yet. How long will you study for? Will you continue working while you study?

If you currently both work, with no childcare, but different rotas, when do you now get to see eachother and enjoy your relationship? Do either of you get ANY me time? Or couple time? Or even family time?

I agree you should let him have this time if he wants it, as he may need some time to chill to recharge his batteries before taking on your ds. But, maybe not untill your ds has settled himself in the nursery, ie, for as long as he is still a little unsettled, he can pick him up earlier, and then increase it as you see he is happy there.

VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 08:14

Just tell DP that you think full-time nursery might be a bit full-on for your DS, especially at a young age, and see if you can let him stay longer a couple of days, but pick him up early the rest with a view to increasing it as he gets older.

I'm assuming the nursery doesn't do hourly rates just full or half days?

DS's nursery would take him for 5hour stints, full days or half days, but as I worked from early on friday morning, that day he was paid from 7:30am til 4:30pm, I finished work at 1:30 but would make use out of the other couple of hours.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:23

I will be working after studying all morning. I don't get much 'me' time currently but neither does he and with no family close by it is tough.

Nusery is either full time or part time, not hourly and it's close to house so really convenient.

I really appreciate these honest opinions, maybe I am U, like he said! Ooops.

OP posts:
littlepinkpixie · 02/07/2008 08:28

I dont think you are being unreasonable. I also do the maternal guilt and rushing to nursery as quickly as I can thing!
To be fair though, it probably wont do your DS any harm, maybe more just disapointing that your DH doesnt feel the same way as you?

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:32

yes..exactly LPP!

I can't understand how he could stay at home doing whatever while DS is round the corner being educated by people we don't know.

I suppose this is more about me being worried about the nursery too.

OP posts:
2point4kids · 02/07/2008 08:40

The thing that would probably annoy me is if Dh did this he would spend the 2 hours every day at home doing his 'me time' stuff and then I would have to do all the cleaning/cooking/organising when I got home after after studying all morning and then working all afternoon!
Do you think this will happen with you? If so, I bet it will cause massive rows!!

Can you set ground rules? Say its fair enough he wants some me time, but if he has 2 hours every day can he do something that needs doing for 1 of those hours (bung dinner in the slow cooker/clean the kitchen/tidy the toys etc) and relax for the other hour?

I dont think he is being unreasonable wanting a breather though, as I assume you will have a lunch break at college and free periods etc

Good luck, hope you get it sorted!

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 08:47

Very good point 2point4. Really do need to set the ground rules first. He is good with cleaning but lousy at cooking so I generally organise that.

more talks need to be had!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 08:47

funlovingcriminal - I'm afraid that I think YABU, but not for the reason you give in the OP.

Studying is in investment in you. Your DS will not get any immediate benefit from your studying (the benefits will accrue much later in his life, if at all). Why don't you postpone your studying for a couple of years until your DS goes to pre-school? And invest in your DS while he is little - you cannot postpone his childhood...

QuintessentialShadows · 02/07/2008 08:50

Anna has put it across so much clearer. Exactly. It is investment in YOU.

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