Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP should pick DS up from nursery earlier, I really don't know

84 replies

funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 07:48

This is a cause of big problems in our household at the moment so would appreciate advice.

DS is 14 months, this year we have been sharing childcare..DP works mornings, me afternoons we haven't had any probs regarding childcare. We have both had to reduce hours to do this but has been fine.

Next year I want to study,for our future etc.We have decided that DS will have to go to nursery to make this possible. DP is very happy with new timetable (he's not an ambitioius type)and has said that he will pick DS up from nursery about 2 hours after he finishes work because he also needs time to do his things.

Here is the problem. If it were me I would finish work and run to pick DS up. He says that I will have all the morning for me time (studying!) and it's only fair that he has a bit of time for himself in the afternoon. He has also implied that he needs it for his sanity and he'll be much better with DS if he's had some time alone to do his million geeky habits!

This is probably going to happen anyway but I just feel angry that he doesn't want to run and pick DS up. AIBU to feel like this is he BU. I honestly don't know and would love some opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:00

Yes. you're right.

The reason I want to study now is because we want another child but I also want to study as my salary will improve if I do this course. I am 34 and so leaving it until they are both at pre-school would be out of the question.I really think the right time to study is now,with only one child. Next year with better salary try for the next IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:02

We can't always have everything we want in life and be fair to those around us...

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:03

Sometime live isn't planned out so perfectly.

Of course I SHOULD have studied in my 20's, then thought about family now but I didn't and there is noturning back now.I really want to study now before it's too late and difficult. I think it'll be harder with 2 kids.

OP posts:
oranges · 02/07/2008 09:10

do study now, but do be flexible too, about how ds is looked after while you are busy. Good luck.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:13

LIFE not LIVE

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:14

Thanks for all this advice and support. It is so helpful after a sleepless night dwelling on all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:19

Anna-Do you think I am being a tad selfish and shouldn't study? Is that what you're saying?

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:22

not being confrontational, just wanted your opinion!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:24

What I actually think, funlovingcriminal, is that you and your DP are both being a bit selfish here.

Your DP isn't ambitious, you say, and wants to work mornings only and have a couple of hours free time in the afternoon.

You want to work part-time and study part-time.

The two of you have one child and want another.

Most families with two young children get to grips fairly early on that children are a full-time job for both parents - either one parent stays at home and cares for the children (a full-time job) and the other works outside the home in a full-time job to pay for it all, or otherwise both parents WOHM and purchase childcare. You and your DP both want a lot of "me time" for people with such (a) young child(ren). Maybe that isn't realistic/considerate of others...

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 09:26

Anna - what you always seem to forget is that people are different. Just because YOU want to stay at home etc, doesn't meant the rest of the world does.

I swear you and Xenia are actually the same person with some weird split personality so you can be polar opposites on all threads!

oranges · 02/07/2008 09:27

Anna, not sure at all why working part time, studying and purchasing some childcare is selfish. Even SAHM or WOHM can want 'me time' too.

bergentulip · 02/07/2008 09:28

Surely if parents choose to have children, they should expect to kiss goodbye to 'me time' for the next, oh, I don't know, 15yrs?

That child, if they are having fun in nursery, is great, but will still get infinitely more pleasure out of their mother and father's company.

IM humble O

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:30

Flamesparrow - I do have a job you know

People are different - I know. But is it really fair on a little boy to be in full-time nursery while both his parents work part-time? Not in my book.

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 09:30

It isn't like he is being shoved in nursery from 7 - 7 every day!!! He will be going for the morning, probably finishing about 2ish.

There is a whole afternoon then, which is more than many children get if their parents both have to work full time.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:30

The problem is Anna that my timetable is completely incompatable with schools and nurseries. I want to study to enable me to get a more compatable timetable ie; more hours in the daytime.

OP posts:
bergentulip · 02/07/2008 09:31

And I have NOTHING aginst children in childcare, but if one of the parents is at home pissing about having 'me time', I think that is selfish.

It's great when it happens, but usually at the weekend, if the other parent has been so kind as to take said child out for a couple of hours....

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:33

Obviously we don't have all the details on this thread... I still think you need to talk it through with your partner putting your child's needs at the centre of your discussions.

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 09:34

Crossed posts there I think for me, I just regret not having studied, and now I have put it off for so long we cannot afford for me to do it, so I get all upset at the idea of people putting it off.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:35

berguntulip..that's the point about DP-I think his me time isn't as beneficial as mine..I will be out of the house studying all morning and working all afternoon.

I know..it's my choice to study though.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 02/07/2008 09:36

Unless your DC is in the nursery for more than 8 hrs, then those 2 hours won't make any differance, and if you are paying for it then why begrudge him his two hours?
Lots of SAHMs use nurseries just to get some time to do some jobs around the house and get some me time.
Maybe as someone said, he could have some time for himself 3 times a week then collect DC straight away the other 2 days.

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:37

You can't turn back the clock though. You have to move forward in your current circumstances, taking account of the whole family's needs and ensuring both adults contribute equally.

FWIW, I think the OP's DP sounds a bit lazy, wanting to work part-time only and have child-free me-time during the week.

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 09:37

Can he do alternate days?

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:37

I agree, funlovingcriminal. Your "me-time" is an investment in your future. Your DP's me-time is vegging, as far as I can make out.

bergentulip · 02/07/2008 09:40

I think it is great there is the opportunity for you to study and create a decent future for you and your family.
Good on ya.

But your dp/dh is being a bit unrealistic to expect 5days a week with 2hrs to himself in the afternoon. Man, I would have looooooved that when I was working parttime. But, like you say, there was this pull towards the nursery if I ever got home early.
And there was a period of about 2weeks when I started mat leave for DS2, when DS1 was still in nursery 2full days a week, where, despite being immensely pregnant and wanting to nap/prepare baby room, I just felt unbearably guilty (and weird!) being at home without him with me....

Could he perhaps have one day when he picks your LO up a couple of hours later? Compromise?

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:41

He can maybe do alternate days..we have to talk to the nursery about that, probably it's a viable option.

I think my DP is lazy sometimes, but as others have said, everyone need some me time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread