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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP should pick DS up from nursery earlier, I really don't know

84 replies

funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 07:48

This is a cause of big problems in our household at the moment so would appreciate advice.

DS is 14 months, this year we have been sharing childcare..DP works mornings, me afternoons we haven't had any probs regarding childcare. We have both had to reduce hours to do this but has been fine.

Next year I want to study,for our future etc.We have decided that DS will have to go to nursery to make this possible. DP is very happy with new timetable (he's not an ambitioius type)and has said that he will pick DS up from nursery about 2 hours after he finishes work because he also needs time to do his things.

Here is the problem. If it were me I would finish work and run to pick DS up. He says that I will have all the morning for me time (studying!) and it's only fair that he has a bit of time for himself in the afternoon. He has also implied that he needs it for his sanity and he'll be much better with DS if he's had some time alone to do his million geeky habits!

This is probably going to happen anyway but I just feel angry that he doesn't want to run and pick DS up. AIBU to feel like this is he BU. I honestly don't know and would love some opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:42

Hmm... careful you don't get into a situation with your DP where you end up working full-time and doing all the house and childcare and he working part-time and vegging out... It doesn't sound as if he would have a problem with that

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:43

Maybe he will have that 'pull' towards the nursery too and feel guilty about being at home.

Maybe

OP posts:
Twiglett · 02/07/2008 09:44

YABU

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:44

yes GROUND RULES are very important.

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:45

hmmm, now I'm confused again!!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 09:48

Can you "calculate" what each of you and your DP is contributing to your family, both now and in future?

Can you see a time when you will be outearning your DP quite considerably?

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:50

not really, it depends on what I decide to do.How my career pans out.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 09:52

fist of all, good luck with the study, its hard work regardless of the amount of children, but well worth it.

I think your DP is being selfish and niave, and you are just being niave. Yes, we would all love some ME time. But a couple of hours a day?? What sort of utopia does he think he lives in?

Couple time and Me time are important but sadly they do fly out of the window when children come along. Also, im not being funny, but why can't there be time when you actually enjoy being with your child? I know a couple who did this, farmed their daughter out at every opportunity, even when the mother was made redundant the child still stayed in full time childcare .

People have to work, but it doesn't sound like you two have financial pressures ATM, so why can't he work full time and you stay at home and look after the little one, using, nursery part time to allow you to study? Are you doing self study or at college or university? Im confused about that.

I am intending on doing my PGCE next year when DD starts school. Im not doing it now because i don't think i would manage with DD at home and can't afford full time childcare. Sometimes we have to put our desires on hold to look after the Gift that is our children. They are small for such a small time - don't miss out.

Imagine how you might feel if he achieved one of his milestones at childcare, whilst you were having "me" time.

pgwithnumber3 · 02/07/2008 09:52

Don't flame me here but personally I think "me time" goes out the window when you "choose" to have children. Yes, everyone is different but I wholeheartedly disagree that a child should be left in nursery while your DH does his "geeky stuff".

I think your DH is being unreasonable to want to have time to himself everyday, maybe 2/3 times a week leave DS until 4.30pm but not everyday. He is so young, some nice trips out in the afternoon would be lovely.

morningpaper · 02/07/2008 09:58

I think this really depends on how well your child settles at nursery.

My 2 year old has patches where she DOES NOT enjoy nursery and then I rush around to cram work in and pick her up as early as possible.

Other times she has enjoyed it and I can ease off a bit.

But I would say that if your DH is getting 2 hours to hismelf a day then he should be doing a lot more around the house - housework/dinner/bills etc.

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 09:58

his full time salary would not be enough to pay mortgage + bills etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 10:01

we certainly don't want to farm him out. It will probably only be 4 days a week anyway. Fridays I will be with him as I don't work Fridays so i'll try and get the study in mon-thurs.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 02/07/2008 10:02

funloving criminal- YANBU.
I would be annoyed if my dp did this too.
Surely he should want to spend as much time as he can with your little one?
That's the thing that will get on my nerves

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 10:04

That is EXACTLY how I feel mrsruffalo

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 10:07

I'm actually quite confused here. You say your DPs salary wont cover your outgoings, but your combined part time work does? You must be on good money then?? Maybe he needs to grow some ambition and get a better job then.

You would save money too if one of you were at home full time, on childcare costs.

What does your DP do?

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 10:08

My feeling, FWIW, is that your DP should want to spend the vast majority of his time either earning to support his family or with his family.

Not playing on his own.

mrsruffallo · 02/07/2008 10:25

I don't think that childcare costs are the issue though are they?I think it takes a while for some parents to appreciate how precious time is with their children esp. the early years.
He will probably 'get it' once you have a second one.
Be patient with him and subtly intensify their relationship

pgwithnumber3 · 02/07/2008 10:26

I agree with Anna8888, I have had this problem with my DH recently, he has taken up a hobby which took him away from his family more than it should, I gave him an ultimatum and told him in no uncertain terms that he should never have had children if he wanted to be doing his own thing.

OrmIrian · 02/07/2008 10:38

I don't think that the phrase 'should want to' makes any sense at all. You can't force anyone to want anything.

Flamesparrow · 02/07/2008 10:41

I have been thinking about this whilst I have been out.

When I first read it, I was thinking about my own situation where I manage to fit in a coffee whilst DS is at nursery, and I don't find that unreasonable.... but it then dawned on me that DS is in nursery for ONE morning a week, so 1 - 1 1/2 hrs to myself isn't a huge amount to ask for. 8-10 hours is just bloody silly.

He either uses the time off to do the house, or he collects your child when he finishes work. He can have one day with the extra time for him.

(Always willing to admit when I am wrong )

Oh Anna - I'm sorry for snapping at you It was uncalled for. I have had a morning of stress and you were the first available target

Original poster
funlovingcriminal · 02/07/2008 10:47

I'm not on good money..I'm paid hourly. His full time salary is not HUGELY different to part time. Rememeber, we don't live in the UK, the salaries are different here.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 10:47

"should want to" implying that this is a reasonable expectation of a considerate father and partner.

If he is selfish and immature, he might want to spend a lot of time alone with no responsibilities...

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 10:48

Don't worry flamesparrow

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 10:48

flamesparrow, i have actually accused Anna of being Xenia once before . But I think they are both great so thats OK [sycophantic smile].

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 10:49

where do you live FLC i would like a part time job that pays similar to a full time one