Telling my Mum we won't be going to hers for Christmas this year.

[PollyJean86]

Hello all, really need some advice. My birthday is on Christmas Day so since I was born I have felt obliged even as an adult to spend it with my family. Background, my Dad died when I was 18, my brother died in 2023 so family is now my Mum aged 77 my sister 55, her husband amd their children 21 and 17. I married my husband in January 2023 and will turn 44 this Christmas Day. Over the years of my adulthood Christmas Day has been awful, arguments, sulking neice and nephew, Mum moaning about having to cook. Last year was especially awful with more arguing than ever, food cold, when I attempted to read a book after lunch being told to put it down as the 'kids' want to play a game. (They didn't and disappeared back to their house which is next door but one to my mums). They spent most of the day at their home. If I mentioned it was my birthday scathing comments from Mum and Sister saying Oh is it your birthday we didn't notice. Usual practice has been lunch at 1pm and then at 5pm recognition of my birthday when I am allowed to open my birthday presents. My husband hates going and doesn't want to go and to be honest neither do I. I've only not been twice before, once in 2013 when my Mum said some awful things to me and I went to Cumbria to stay with then partners family and then in 2020 when the covid rules were in force and went to different partners mums house. Both were so much more relaxed and enjoyable. This year one of my closest friends has moved 40 minutes away and bought a house. Initially she was with a partner but they have split up and she is very down and I have been supporting her. She has no family. She has invited me and my husband for Christmas/my birthday. I really want to go but am scared to tell my mother as she is easily upset and bears a grudge. I was thinking could compromise by going for an hour say 11am to 12pm and then leaving and going to my friends but don't know how she will react. Am thinking of speaking to my older sister first. Any opinions and advice appreciated.

It’s fine to do this either with the morning visit or without it.
Tell her now though.

Absolutely not unreasonable. An hour in their company sounds generous considering what's gone on before

Might be time to put yourself first 🙂

You're allowed to do what you want at Christmas and especially on your birthday.
If your dm is going to bear a grudge - let her.
It's not your problem.
Put yourself and your dh first.
Tell your dm you will not be there for Christmas this year and you'll catch up afterwards.

I think the compromise is that you have spent almost all of your birthdays with your family who sound like they barely like you anyway. Just tell your mum you’ve decided to do something different for your birthday this year and you’ll see her on x day instead! Could you offer to host on Boxing Day perhaps so she isnt put out trying to host which she doesn’t seem to enjoy?

I wouldn’t see your family at all on Christmas Day, they will find a way to taint it for you.

Say you will do something with them on Boxing Day. Preference out of the house so it doesn’t turn into a rerun of Christmas Day.

I don’t think speaking to your DSis first is a good idea. Tell your DM and then your DSIs quickly afterwards.

Your dm doesnt care if she's making you unhappy, so I suggest you return the favour and try not to care about her Christmas preferences.

It doesn't sound like she'll be alone.

Honestly I’ve only ready half of this and that’s enough to tell you that you deserve many amazing Christmas days on this planet. Don’t go, do your own thing x

“We aren’t celebrating Christmas this year, we are going away for my Birthday, see you in the New Year.”

Then just don’t engage, any grudges arnt your problem. If they ignore you enjoy the peace, if they pester you turn your phone off. Stop pleasing them and please yourself.

Go to your friends, she'll appreciate it and you'll enjoy it.

Don’t think twice; it’s alright!

my goodness op! It’s your christmas and your birthday, please do what YOU want for a change. I bet you have a much better time, and your friend who’s having the hard time will appreciate it.

Just tell your mum your plans. Don’t apologise, don’t make excuses. Just say ‘mum, just so you know, we’re going to such and such’s for Christmas Day this year. Do you fancy coming to ours for lunch on Boxing Day? (Or similar). With respect, PollyJean, you must live your own life. people only get away with this stupid behaviour because others let them. Don’t facilitate this, don’t put your husband and yourself last. It’s not fair on him.

They don’t care about upsetting you, so don’t worry about upsetting them.

Tell them, don’t ask them, don’t apologise or justify it. As an adult you get to decide what you do. They can and will whinge about it but you get to do what will make you happy. It sounds like they’re miserable when you’re there anyway so it’s not like you’re going to ruin it.

They are clearly not bothered about upsetting you every year, so I wouldn’t be worried about upsetting them!

I really want to go but am scared to tell my mother as she is easily upset and bears a grudge.

Unless you start asserting yourself.. you will be stuck doing what they want and putting up with them being horrible to you every Christmas. And you DH hates it too.

You don't even have to say you are going to friends... just that you are going away for the period. Let them all fight amoungst themselves and have a decent birthday this year. at 43/44 you are owed a few.

Have you thought between you and your DH of having a half birthday in June? So that you can have a mini celebration then too?

It’s so sad that for some families Christmas is such an emotional tug of war. So many people afraid to say how they’d really really like to spend it.

Time to break this mould OP. Go to your lovely friend. She’ll be glad to see you given she’s been through a break up. It’s going to be such a poignant time for her, the distraction of having you over and starting a new tradition will be great for you three.

Tell your family asap. Stuff what they think or say. It’s your time to have the day you’d really like. They’ll eventually get over it. 💐

You are a grown ass adult and you can do what you want, when you want. Especially on your birthday. I expect the family dynamics are more complex and run a lot deeper than this.

"Just letting you all know in advance that we won't be around on Xmas day this year as we have other plans. Happy to meet up on [xmas eve/boxing day/whatever other day YOU prefer] if you're all available"

Let them all be miserable together whilst you and your husband and friend have a lovely time.

My eldest daughter’s birthday is Christmas Eve so it’s a similar dynamic. I’ve always told my kids, have the Christmas you want. Do not feel obligated to me. If your mother can’t accept that, that’s her issue not yours. Be “selfish” and have your birthday / Christmas the way YOU want.

I would just go to your friend and not go to your mum's if you think she's going to bear a grudge anyways and be grumpy/mar your day before you go to your friend's house. Have a great birthday and Christmas. But do tell your mum ASAP (then let her bear a grudge)

They sound awful. Put yourself first for once, and tell them you’re not going.

Why suffer and have yet another crap day? You've had enough and do what makes you and your DH happy, as life is not a rehearsal. Just say you won't be spending Christmas Day with them, as have other plans. Move on, ignore the moans.

Just go . Stop overthinking about these people .

Sorry this is glib. But one day, you won’t be here on this planet. So in the meantime I’d do things that make you happy. You’ve done more your fair share.