Telling my Mum we won't be going to hers for Christmas this year.

[PollyJean86]

Hello all, really need some advice. My birthday is on Christmas Day so since I was born I have felt obliged even as an adult to spend it with my family. Background, my Dad died when I was 18, my brother died in 2023 so family is now my Mum aged 77 my sister 55, her husband amd their children 21 and 17. I married my husband in January 2023 and will turn 44 this Christmas Day. Over the years of my adulthood Christmas Day has been awful, arguments, sulking neice and nephew, Mum moaning about having to cook. Last year was especially awful with more arguing than ever, food cold, when I attempted to read a book after lunch being told to put it down as the 'kids' want to play a game. (They didn't and disappeared back to their house which is next door but one to my mums). They spent most of the day at their home. If I mentioned it was my birthday scathing comments from Mum and Sister saying Oh is it your birthday we didn't notice. Usual practice has been lunch at 1pm and then at 5pm recognition of my birthday when I am allowed to open my birthday presents. My husband hates going and doesn't want to go and to be honest neither do I. I've only not been twice before, once in 2013 when my Mum said some awful things to me and I went to Cumbria to stay with then partners family and then in 2020 when the covid rules were in force and went to different partners mums house. Both were so much more relaxed and enjoyable. This year one of my closest friends has moved 40 minutes away and bought a house. Initially she was with a partner but they have split up and she is very down and I have been supporting her. She has no family. She has invited me and my husband for Christmas/my birthday. I really want to go but am scared to tell my mother as she is easily upset and bears a grudge. I was thinking could compromise by going for an hour say 11am to 12pm and then leaving and going to my friends but don't know how she will react. Am thinking of speaking to my older sister first. Any opinions and advice appreciated.

Thanks for all your replies so far. You're right I need to act fast and just tell her. For the poster who said it sounds more complex it is. My Mum can be generous and kind at times but can also be manipulative and play me and my siblings off against each other. The reason I didn't spend Xmas 2013 with her was because in the September we had gone to visit my brother who has now passed away when he was teaching in China. On the flight home I told her I had quit my social worker job at a local council due to workload and a reorganisation and was starting at a different council in 3 days as an agency worker. I would be earning double a month than what I earned before. 3 days into my agency job she called me to say she was disgusted and ashamed I had left a permanant job to do agency work and apparently all her friends agreed with her so that's why I went to my then partner's parents with him. The second day there which was Xmas Eve I came down with a kidney infection so had a rubbish birthday/Christmas and she seemed to relish that. Every kind thing she has ever done seems to come with a condition for example for your 40th I am giving you £1000 but only of you spend it on your house and I agree to what you want to spend it on. I do realise this is not normal but it's so hard when you've been dealing with this for years. It's only been in the last few years where my husband and other friends have pointed out that this is not normal behaviour and is very controlling.

Stop overthinking it. Just tell them you are celebrating elsewhere this year.

This is good advice, OP.

You're allowed to do as you please for Christmas or your birthday. You're in your 40s and your relatives' Christmas day preferences are not your responsibility.

It sounds as though you and your partner would have a nicer time with your friend.

OP, you’re in your forties and neither you nor DH want to go t your DM’s for Christmas - so don’t. She’s got your DSis and the grandchildren, so you should be able to feel free to do what YOU want to do. Your DM might be a bit miffed - but she’ll get over it. Just put yourself first for once, OP, and enjoy your birthday with your DH and your friend. Don’t go round to your DM’s for an hour, because they’ll just make you feel guilty about not staying. Tell DM you’ll see her on Boxing Day, or whenever suits you - and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

I agree.
it seems to me you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't

So given that you are damned either way,
Why not cut your losses and spend the day doing something nice for a change.
I can tell you now that doing that and making that change will take a lot of the sting out of any fall out.
You know exactly how they will behave. What they will say. So no surprises there any more. That's who they are. They won't suddenly decide to treat you differently even if you do what they want. They are still mean to you.

So go ahead and let them kick off. What difference does it make? You didn't spend one Christmas with them at the age of 40 something? Big Boo Hoo. They will survive. Tell them they were lucky to have your company for so many years in a row.
Once you see it in that view point... its surprising how much less it affects you. If they stop talking to you... see it as your chance to have a bit of peace for a change.,

Your mum sounds emotionally abusive. go and have fun with your friend! Don’t worry about it your mum has treated you appallingly x

“We aren’t celebrating Christmas this year, we are going away for my Birthday, see you in the New Year.”

I think this is perfect. Take Christmas out of there picture altogether, as far as family is concerned. If you get any pushback, you just point out that you've never had a birthday like other people do, so you've decided that this year, you will. And this is your present to yourself (or your DH's present to you, whichever will go down the least badly).

Then don't discuss it further, 'because it's booked already'.

I am shocked to be giving this advice but I took it myself for certain things after years of dealing with a difficult parent.

Just lie. The day before, just say you aren’t going to make it because you aren’t well.

I hate lying, but also think it’s the path of least resistance with toxic families. They don’t care about your happiness so why spend the next two months being punished? Then who knows how long after. It won’t make one wit of difference to their holiday if you sit one out.

Yikes, @PollyJean86
your mum is very controlling and abusive. 💐
I think you must be very conditioned to it.
Please get counselling.
Definitely stop spending the holidays with her.
I'd likely do it softly, unless pushed, but you must say something like: Bill wants to spend Christmas with his gamily this year, so we will be doing that.
Then do whatever you want.
If it ends up being a fight you'll have a great opportunity to say, Fine. Don't expect me ever again.
Stick to it.

This is more grown up but sometimes it’s not worth the battering you get for being honest.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with doing what you want! You are more than a character in other people's lives, you are your own person.

I'm blessed to have a great extended family that I enjoy spending time with. We're all in the same city and see a lot of each other.
But a few years ago in my late 30s, I bought my first home after years of renting and decided I wanted to spend Christmas here alone. It means I can have the exact meal I want, at the time I want to eat it, watch what I want on TV etc.
I don't have to make the choice between not having a drink or waiting on someone to drop me home - I can drink Baileys with breakfast! My family still get together (except my sister who does her own Christmas too since she bought a house a couple of years ago) and have all been fine with it.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in this post, OP.

Dropped my phone and accidentally pressed yabu as I caught it! I don't think you are at all - life is far too short for a miserable Christmas!

Good parents want -
Their kids to be happy.
Their kids to be decent human beings.
Their kids to love and appreciate them.

You can do all three if you spend Christmas Day with you friend and acknowledge and spend time with mum and sister at a different time over Christmas.

Point this out to them until they realise they are being ridiculous.

Something like this -

Hi mum, just to let you know Bob and I have decided to have a quiet and intimate christmas day this year to celebrate my birthday so we wont be coming over. Our decision is final and not open for discussion. Just letting you know in plenty of time so you can make other plans.

No, don't compromise. Your mother will bear a grudge, but you can't live your life in fear of that.
Call your mother soon, like early November, and tell her cheerily (not apologetically) that you just want to let her know early on that you have other birthday/Christmas plans. If she starts getting hostile, try saying, "But you're always complaining about it anyway!"
I also suggest you avoid a detailed description of your plans.

Adding my vote of do not check with ds first. Tell them via message today that you're going away this year. They're going to give you a ton of shit but so what?? You can handle it and if it gets too bad pass it to your lovely dh. I wouldn’t be waiting until 5pm for my bday presents either!!

You are a grown woman you can do whatever you want, your normal Christmas Day sounds dreadful so just say count me out for Christmas this year we have made other plans, if they don’t like it tough.

Agree dont go into a big justification speech like you’ve done here. The guilt and trauma is oozing out of your first post which is typical of a people pleaser (takes one to know one). We think if we use more words it will mean they won’t be mad at us. You can’t control that it’s up to her what her reaction is.

You’re ‘scared?’. That’s unhealthy. Dreadful parenting to make you feel like that.
I’m amazed at how little you’ve seen your parent’s too on the Christmas days gone by. How do they feel about that? This whole setup is wrong in so many ways.
I would go to your friends and not give it a second thought. And if your mum doesn’t like it, so what? Just see less of her. You hold all the cards.

I felt stressed just reading your OP!!!
I don’t think it sounds like you are really wanted or appreciated there so make new plans and tell your family you won’t be attending.
Visit them on Boxing day if you really have to.
Youve done 44 years OP. Time to spend your birthday as you actually want to.

Oh poor you OP. This sounds absolutely draining.

In light of your further posts, I wouldn’t feel any guilt ditching the usual plans. It doesn’t sound like anyone is enjoying the day!

Just tell your Mum now, and go and have an enjoyable Christmas and Birthday.

Maybe it’s time for you and your DH to start your own Christmas traditions……. Next year it could be that your DH has a complete ‘Secret surprise’ arranged so you won’t be available but equally you cannot share your plans as you won’t know what they are 😉 And then do what you both fancy!

xx

Your Mum being easily offended and moaning isn't going to change, it's either bite the bullet and tell her you are not going or put up with it. There is no real way to make it land differently I'm afraid. I went through this nonsense with my divorced parents both wanting me with them Christmas Day (both hate Christmas, and it is always grim with them). I love christmas and when I was about 24 i said i won't be spending Christmas with either of you again- the travelling is expensive and horrendous. As a sop to Cereberus I offered to spend New Year with one one year and one the other- good luck, it's worth it.

Agree don’t apologise and don’t over explain. “we’re going away for Xmas this year, would you like to come to use on Boxing Day/ New Year’s Day?” (And prey they say no)

Don’ lie, it usually catches up with you and doesn’t solve the problem. It’s best to be straightforward even if people don’t like it.
I like the suggestion to say that you won’t be around for Christmas this year because you’re going away for your birthday.
I would tell whoever is hosting first and then the other one immediately afterwards.
Just firmly stick to your guns if they argue, but don’t bring up resentments about previous Christmasses and complicate things.
As an aside I am not surprised at 77 that your mother is starting to moan about having to cook, it will be getting like hard work for her.
Going forward do you think it’s getting time to rethink Christmas and perhaps for you and your sister to have your Mum for Christmas Day on alternate years?