AIBU to feel this way about my Mum’s Will?

[Emotionalwhiplash]

AIBU to feel this way about my Mum’s Will?

I probably need to talk about this in therapy but in the absence of that I wondered if anyone could help me figure this out here. There is a lot of backstory, I will try not to drip feed. Please be kind to me, I feel quite vulnerable at the moment.

I am the youngest of four adult children. We all share the same mother, I have a different father. During my childhood I didn’t grow up with my eldest two siblings, they lived with their father. My brother is 5+ years older than me and lived in our home until his mid-teens. He was both physically and sexually abusive to me. My parents knew about the physical abuse. I told them about the sexual abuse in adulthood, though honestly now I am a parent myself I question how much they did know then.

My Dad is now deceased. My Mum is elderly and sorting out her Will. She has no relationship with my siblings, for a variety of reasons. I think the divorce from their father was very toxic and she let my elder siblings go with their dad in the end despite having full custody granted to her. My siblings are also not in touch with each other. It’s a mess frankly. I am estranged from my siblings and last saw them over twenty years ago.

My parents always said that I would be the sole beneficiary of their Wills. My Mum has recently told me ‘not to get upset but I am leaving your brother £15,000’. He is partially sighted and in poor health due to chronic health issues and past addictions.

I told my Mum that I am upset and she cannot control how I feel, if it is uncomfortable for her to see me upset then that can’t be helped. I don’t really care about the money, I do think it is a waste giving it to him when I have young DC who would really benefit from it, but ultimately I don’t mind.

It’s the principle for me, and the change of heart from my Mum. He hurt me. He abused me. I was not protected in childhood as I should have been. My Mum says she is leaving him this money as she feels guilty that he is in such a bad way. But where is the guilt feelings for me?

I love my Mum. She hasn’t been the best but she is my Mum and she has in all other respects looked after me. I am just hurt. I don’t want to fall out with her. I believe she has so many regrets from before I was born that she is trying to make up for them now with cash, which is futile.

AIBU to feel the way I do? It really isn’t about the money. I have a good life, despite my past. I have forgiven my brother in order to heal myself but I wish to have no contact with my siblings to preserve my peace. I have not spoken to him since I told my parents about the abuse.

She knows he sexually abused you but is leaving him money? I would feel upset too.

I think therapy could be helpful to you. It sounds like you have come a long way and are doing well so talking it through with a professional may help.

💐

It’s totally understandable that you feel upset, but it’s her money and her choice. Leaving money to him doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel guilt for you. Honestly she has failed all 4 of you at some point by the sound of it and she has to live with that, her feelings about this are probably as complex as yours are.

Let them theory.. Mel Robbins
You need to understand that you have no control over her actions, you only control how you react to her actions.

She is leaving him money for her own reasons, whatever they are, thats her decision, irrelevant what has been promised before, whether that is painful to you is another matter, she has her reasons why she is intending to gift him money at this stage, whether that be guilt, no matter.

She probably has huge guilt over many things and thinks that money os her only resource at this point in life.

You shouldn't put any pressure on her to change her decision, through fear (i wont see you if you leave it to him), obligations (after everything ive done for you, why would you leave it to him and not me) or guilt (he abused me and you leave it to him?) or emotional pressure, her decision is her own.

It’s her money, her son, her choice. Just as she can’t control how you feel on the matter, you can’t control how she feels. Tell her not to mention it to you again, she is entitled to do whatever she wants with her money but you don’t need to hear anymore details about it.

It is your Mums money and she can leave it to whom she likes.

I understand your justified hatred of your brother and resentment of your mother for not protecting you

equally as a mother you know that your love your kids and nothing they do will ever stop you loving them

The Situation is horrendous

One of my dc abused another..
I absolutely did not know.
I would leave money to both dc as I carry blame and would hope money might ease the guilt of the life he lost post arrest. IE having a family.
Sorry about what haplemwd to you op and that your dm brushed it under hhe carpet. That most definitely not what I did.
It was me who rang the police.

She is probably very conflicted.

It's hard to cut off a bond with your offspring and she probably feels guilty about the upbringing he had and some compassion for his partial sight and health issues. She mat feel that her parenting and the family dynamic at the time caused his abusive behaviour.

It's also understandable that you are upset and want to see not a penny go to your abusive brother. And to feel that she is still not protecting you and putting you first as she should. Its OK to feel vulnerable and upset and to tell her why.

In the end it sounds as if you are the sibling who managed to build a life for yourself, despite all your massive challenges, and live a happier life than your ill addicted brother.

She is still leaving the big majority of her estate to you (but be aware that if she goes into a home and the value of her house is eaten up bar the allowed £23k, your brother's cash bequest would be made first with your receiving the 'residual'

I think talking this through in therapy will really help - your turmoil is valid.

It sounds like a very messy situation with a lot of trauma, so I can understand the upset.

However, it sounds like a situation that is far more complicated than just your own issues given most of the family is estranged from each other.

Most young abusers have also been abused. If your brother sexually and physically abused you (presumably in his mid teens?) it is quite likely he was also being abused by an adult in his life. If that was the case your mum might well have guilt over his situation too.

Is she leaving him £15k and you £150k? You are entitled to your feelings but he is still your mother's child and she is also entitled to show him she still cares for him. It also means he is unlikely to be able to challenge the will.

It’s her money, her choice. 🤷‍♀️

I reckon your mother probably would say, as many a mother of sons gone wrong does, that she abhors the sin, yet she loves the sinner.
She’s his mother first and last, and she sees a damaged and needy, if badly flawed son, and is acting accordingly.
You needn’t make that decision about you at all; just allow her to feel that sorrow and regret about her son.
I’d imagine it’s the only way you’ll feel any serenity and peace about the whole inheritance caboodle anyway.
Grant that peace and generosity to your mother too, and endeavour to understand, despite your own justified feelings about past betrayal.
‘Past’ is an essential consideration at this moment, and your mother has in mind only the happier memories of her son, whom she loves despite everything.
If you can forgive her now for her lack of care for your younger self (knowing that there may have been circs or pressures which boxed her in perhaps, who knows) you’ll achieve something valuable, and vanquish a festering sore inside.

It was all wrong, all unforgivable at the time and forever ….but still, at the end, forgiving your mother’s lapses with an open heart won’t simultaneously erase the great injury from the record, nor disrespect your hurt. Both things can coexist.

Jolly good point

She may be just leaving him something so he doesn't contest the will. The money may be contingent on him leaving things alone. Otherwise that might hold up you getting your inheritance for years. Its sometimes a good thing to do just for those reasons.

There'll be a reason your brother was abuser - your mother probably knows something of that and feels guilty about that too.

As a mother yourself, you must know that when our children do wrong wrong we feel responsibility for that, and she'll be feeling she let him down, as well as how she let you down.

'My Mum says she is leaving him this money as she feels guilty'. Sounds like she's leaving you the majority for a similar reason, no?

The positive of leaving him a fixed sum is that it makes it more difficult for him to contest and ask for more.

Sibling abuse is a complete head screw up and I can understand how you feel 💐

Your brother is in poor health - he may well have a claim on your mums estate anyway, and she does have some responsibility towards him if she had funds.

Ultimately you’re getting the lions share, and no matter what he’s done your mother put your brother on this earth.

How much (just a ballpark figure) is likely to be left to you, assuming any care home fees don't swallow it all up?

If she is leaving him £15,000 and you much more, or even a six figure sum then that might be more acceptable and would reduce the possibility of him successfully challenging the will, as someone already said. Has your mother taken any legal advice on how to make her will in such a complex situation? Perhaps she has and this is what she has come up with?

You are entitled to your feelings though. They are entirely valid in this complex situation.

Thanks all. Your responses have been helpful. The way I left it with my Mum is that it’s her money (and what my Dad left when he died), she absolutely can choose what to do with it. I won’t be doing anything to influence her one way or the other. I will be receiving more than £15k. She is seeing a solicitor soon to go through it all with them and make sure everything is in order. I do understand that in giving him something it might solve the problem of him contesting the will. I’m sure my other siblings will be in touch to get something too, which I will try to prepare myself for. Thankyou to those that have said I am entitled to my feelings and that they are valid. I think it is possible to feel and be in two positions at once.

I can understand your upset that she doesn’t seem to be showing much interest in your feelings and you’re not unreasonable to be upset. She chose an odd figure there. Is he on benefits? If he is and she’s trying to get around the £16k capital limit, then perhaps remind her that it’s only the first £6k they disregard. The rest will be considered capital and a percentage will be deducted from his benefits for every £100 over the £6k.

In the same way you feel upset over your brother receiving a token amount I assume your estranged siblings may also feel upset over not only seemingly having been discarded by your mother emotionally and physically but also now financially. I wonder how you feel about that? Do you feel like they're entitled to their feelings but it's ultimately your mums decision? or do you intend to split inheritance with them because you feel it's the 'right' thing to do?

It might be worth telling your mum that her estate may be swallowed up by care home fees before she dies. If there is any money left the first £15k will go to him and you will get what’s left - which may not be much. Could you suggest that she leaves, say, 10% of her estate to him and the rest to you?

It really is, and I’m still, even though I’m in my 40s, very unclear about much of what has happened given that I am the youngest and my eldest sibling is 15 years older than me. I have wondered why my brother did what he did to me and I just don’t know. He had a lot of hardships in his early life and sometimes I feel like asserting power over me was his way of trying to feel better about being powerless and being cut off from his father and ‘real’ siblings. I’ve never been to the Police because I just don’t know what that would achieve beyond the obvious. I feel like living well is the best thing I could do for myself.

She may have been advised to leave him “something” so he doesn’t contest the will on the basis he’s been left out entirely. I think this seems sensible OP.