AIBU to feel this way about my Mum’s Will?

[Emotionalwhiplash]

AIBU to feel this way about my Mum’s Will?

I probably need to talk about this in therapy but in the absence of that I wondered if anyone could help me figure this out here. There is a lot of backstory, I will try not to drip feed. Please be kind to me, I feel quite vulnerable at the moment.

I am the youngest of four adult children. We all share the same mother, I have a different father. During my childhood I didn’t grow up with my eldest two siblings, they lived with their father. My brother is 5+ years older than me and lived in our home until his mid-teens. He was both physically and sexually abusive to me. My parents knew about the physical abuse. I told them about the sexual abuse in adulthood, though honestly now I am a parent myself I question how much they did know then.

My Dad is now deceased. My Mum is elderly and sorting out her Will. She has no relationship with my siblings, for a variety of reasons. I think the divorce from their father was very toxic and she let my elder siblings go with their dad in the end despite having full custody granted to her. My siblings are also not in touch with each other. It’s a mess frankly. I am estranged from my siblings and last saw them over twenty years ago.

My parents always said that I would be the sole beneficiary of their Wills. My Mum has recently told me ‘not to get upset but I am leaving your brother £15,000’. He is partially sighted and in poor health due to chronic health issues and past addictions.

I told my Mum that I am upset and she cannot control how I feel, if it is uncomfortable for her to see me upset then that can’t be helped. I don’t really care about the money, I do think it is a waste giving it to him when I have young DC who would really benefit from it, but ultimately I don’t mind.

It’s the principle for me, and the change of heart from my Mum. He hurt me. He abused me. I was not protected in childhood as I should have been. My Mum says she is leaving him this money as she feels guilty that he is in such a bad way. But where is the guilt feelings for me?

I love my Mum. She hasn’t been the best but she is my Mum and she has in all other respects looked after me. I am just hurt. I don’t want to fall out with her. I believe she has so many regrets from before I was born that she is trying to make up for them now with cash, which is futile.

AIBU to feel the way I do? It really isn’t about the money. I have a good life, despite my past. I have forgiven my brother in order to heal myself but I wish to have no contact with my siblings to preserve my peace. I have not spoken to him since I told my parents about the abuse.

I feel very little about this if I’m honest. My eldest sister is married to a millionaire and lives abroad. I don’t know about my other siblings financial situation. I do know that when my maternal aunt and cousin died a few years ago, within a year of each other, they were given £1000s by our aunts ex-husband. I was not. They didn’t mind about that.

Yes, my understanding is he is on benefits. I believe (and hope) her solicitor will go over all of the ramifications of this with her. I have said to her that I’m sure a lump sum would impact on his benefits but that she needs to look into it.

I am in Scotland so the law might be different.
I am divorced and have four children with my ex-wife. They were adults when we divorced. Three of my children are still in contact and we get on well. One daughter was very nasty to my second wife and accused her of breaking up my first marriege. I met my second wife about a year after my divorce was finalised.
I saw a solicitor and wanted to leave the nasty daughter £50. The others will get about £30,000 each. The solicitor told me that legally she is entitled to about a twelth of my money and if Ileave her less she can contest it.

It might mean OP your siblings have a claim.

You can feel whatever you feel but this is about your DM doing what feels right to her with her own money.

Thankyou - I’m in England. I don’t doubt my other siblings will try to claim. I really do think my Mum will need to discuss this fully with her solicitor. I do think their claims would be very weak though given their personal circumstances and especially if my Mum makes the will whilst she is well and has capacity.

Yes, it is different in Scotland, where you're not allowed to disinherit children.

In England, that's not the case, a child will only have a claim if they can show they were financially dependent on the parent.

OP, your Mum has done the righy thing by telling you now, and trying to explain her reasoning, rather than leaving you to wonder later.

What percentage is the 15k of your potential inheritance?

This is very hard but I think as a parent you can u derstand that she doesn’t want her son to struggle when she has the means to offer some support.
I would look at this as that normally you would receive a quarter of her estate. It sounds as if you will receive a much higher portion, so that is to be welcomed. Any inheritance is better than nothing so try to focus on the positives. Otherwise you risk a rift with your mum, which would be a shame xxx

Yes, I agree. She has also said she wanted to be upfront with me now and not leave me with a lot of unanswered questions, especially as up until now the narrative has always been that I would inherit everything, because of their estrangement and what had happened to me. I just hate the whole thing if I’m honest, just thinking about losing my Mum and then potentially having legal wrangles afterwards makes me feel quite unwell mentally. With my Dad it was a lot simpler, he died and everything went to my Mum, as it should have.

I have discovered it is futile expecting past hurts to be made right by wills- both my mother and my father favoured other children, but it will not be resolved by evening things up when the die- they favoured the other children to the last. Tell them why you think it is unfair, and just move on- there is nothing else to be done unfortunately.

The OP seems to understand perfectly well that it's her mum's money. That's the point of the OP. She also seems to understand perfectly well it's her mother's choice. I can't quite understand exactly what it is you think you are pointing out here.

Not that it in any way ever excuses SA, I think you have a good understanding that it can come from feelings of being powerless and wanting to exert it over someone.

It doesn't make it any easier to have borne.
I wish you well and understand your upset.
You were very badly left down.

It's understandable for you to hate your brother, and it's understandable for a mother to leave money split between their dc.

The hardest to understand aspect is that she's cutting out her eldest dc!

I don’t hate my brother. Someone else commented on me having something like a festering wound but I can assure you that I don’t. My life is good and I have forgiven him for what he did to me, but that doesn’t mean I can have him in my life, and it doesn’t mean I am not hurt by my Mum wanting to include him in her will. My eldest siblings cut my Mum off years ago - I’m talking decades. One of my siblings as I mentioned has extreme wealth.

Thankyou for your comment. The way I have chosen to see it is that he was also a child and he was badly let down in his own life too. Neither of us have the sibling relationship that we deserved and that makes me more sad than my experiences in many ways. I throw myself into my own family to manage that heartache.

It is quite possible to have sympathy for the child he was and his hardships, whilst feeling pain at what she endured as collateral damage of it.
SA is absolutely horrific but very complicated.

It can be as a result of emotional abuse and powerlessness.

It can also be because an adored spoiled child thought he was entitled to explore his sexual urges at the expense of his 3 younger sisters.
This is the case of a friend of mine in her late 60's.
They never told their beloved parents because of the pain it would cost them.
They did report him to police after their death, and went very public in their rural community about him, so that everyone knew.
It never went to court, but everyone knowing exactly who he was, was enough for them.
His wife stood by him, but not his children.

Your mother could leave each of them a nominal amount like 1k to prevent them suing her estate.
I think acknowledgement of them is enough.
She needs legal advice on this of course.

I think you need to be honest with your mother, her actions will cause you pain.

I understand as the youngest child of 4 who is in a similar situation with no contact with half siblings. But at the end of the day an inheritance is not a given. What if your mum needs care and ends up spending all that money? How will you feel at getting nothing?

I do think therapy will help you as it helped me. 6 years on I am in a much better place.

Trust me. This will affect his benefits. She doesn’t need a solicitor to explain it to her.

Lower Limit (£6,000)

• No effect under £6,000: If your total savings, cash, or investments are below £6,000, your benefits are not reduced. 1, 2]
• Deductions over £6,000: For every £250 (or part of £250) you have between £6,000 and £16,000, the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) assumes a monthly "tariff income" of £4.35. 1, 2]
• Example: If you have £8,000 in savings, the first £6,000 is ignored. The remaining £2,000 is divided by £250 (which equals 8), and multiplied by £4.35, reducing your monthly payment by £34.80. 1]
• Reporting: You must notify the DWP immediately if your savings cross the £6,000 threshold

Thanks @UnwillingAdvocate - that’s really helpful and useful to know.