Months of repeated arguments - how to break the cycle? Aibu to think feelings matter

[Passusthepilla]

I’m currently feeling very isolated and insane, please feel free to give me straight advice.

My partner is, in his words, emotionally unaware. He struggles a lot with anger. I’ve put up with a lot of property destruction, shouting, name calling and general nastiness because I understand where his anger comes from. Probably mistake number one.

On the other hand, I will avoid conflict like the plague. I hate shouting, I hate feeling like I’m letting someone down. I consider my words carefully, I’ll never insult someone. But I am a crier. I will cry if I am being screamed at or if someone is nasty to me. Trying to stop doing this.

There’s been around 4 months now of solid back to back arguments. All about similar things but with no resolution. He has spent a lot of money on his addiction, has turned down freelance jobs for further free time, he has spent shared money on items that he wanted without discussion, he’s loaned money off me for significant purchases and said this is what couples do.

I’m not perfect - I am sensitive and appreciate time together. I’m beginning to feel like a facilitator of pooor choices.

The pattern goes

1. I bring something up (eg I feel like we’re passing ships, can we plan some time together?)
2. I get told my attitude stinks - my tone is off
3. He focuses on what he’s done “wrong again” - I’m a bad person/i never get anything right/all I think about is you/I do everything for you
4. I try and explain that I am wanting more time
5. He says I’m criticising him and that I’m saying he’s not enough
6. He shouts, says he’s unheard
7. I cry, shut down and just agree with him
8. Next morning, pretend like nothing happened

I’ve had enough of this pattern. I am having trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I said to him last night after another argument the night before, we need to understand why we keep arguing, I feel sad we are not understanding each other - you said you don’t feel seen by me, tell me how you’re feeling.

Obviously the wrong thing to say. He got annoyed again saying he wants action, not to talk about feelings again. He told me that he feels unappreciated because I don’t praise him, he said I know I don’t do a lot of stuff for you, but even just saying it would be nice.

This was followed by more shouting when I said we might both be guilty of not voicing how we feel about each other. He said he doesn’t want to talk about my feelings, I’m saying fuck his feelings, and that this gets us nowhere.

He said I don’t need him, but he needs me. I said I don’t want to be needed, I’d like to feel wanted.

He told me a goal for me would be to walk away when he’s screaming at me and to not let him speak to me like that. He said it’s odd I sit and take it.

He said I need to work on my tone.

He said he will pay me more compliments - I’m unsure of why this would help.

I feel empty and anxious today. I just feel like I came to him and wanted to understand him but I’ve made it worse again. I do care about him. But I am exhausted.

Eye rolls, sighing, shouting, standing up to scream in my face. I’m so tired.

Am I the problem; how do you fix circular arguments? Should I just agree to goals?

Do you think you can "fix" him? You can't, you know he can only fix himself, and he doesn't want to because he hasn't taken that first step yet of accepting that he is responsible for his own actions.

Please leave him.

What’s your housing situation OP?
Contact Woman’s Aid and start making your exit plan. Just taking this action will change your outlook and turn your focus onto yourself, where it should be. Good luck.

Arguing requires two people, he can drone on all he wants, who cares, he's just a bog standard abuser. Worthless.

Speak to a domestic abuse organisation and plan your future.

Freedom, peace and joy is literally waiting for you.

That's an abusive relationship.

It needs to end for you to heal and you to move forward without him.

What's stopping you from putting yourself first fir once @Passusthepilla

He wont stop
He KNOWS that all this upsets you, thats why he is doing it , to abuse you as a way of making his anger justified
He will never stop because he gets to pour all his anger into you and it suits him to avoid accountability
Imagine you are a jug, hes pouring all his anger into the jug rather than manage it himself
Take the jug away
Leave him but be wary they usually either fake super nice or go ballistic

It took me too long to realise this but once I did it finally made sense to leave: you are the only person you have control over. You cannot love or explain or teach him into changing. You telling him how he makes you feel is pointless. And that’s not to say that talking about your feelings is wrong, it’s pointless with him because he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to change. All you can do is choose to walk away. You will go round in these circles forevermore if you don’t. His behaviour will escalate, not improve.
Go.
Your life is finite. This will not get better. Is this downward spiral really how you want to spend the rest of it?

YABU for trying to fix this.

This is not fixable. This is an abusive relationship. This is not normal.

You are not trapped.

Stop making excuses. End it. Today. Walk away.

This person will never make you happy so by staying you are choosing a life of misery.

Contact Women’s Aid, look up the Freedom Program and the boiling frog theory. You are in a cycle of abuse. I’ve been there done that and am 10 years the other side of it.

He has no respect for you because you let him treat you like shit. He's an awful person for treating you that way in the first place. You're not really the problem, he is. But if you don't recognise your worth and stop essentially being a people pleaser who is more focused on understanding the behaviour of someone who treats you poorly than protecting yourself you are likely to end up in another abusive relationship. That is what this is, he is abusing you.

Oh for gods sake, stop being so wet and just ditch the dickhead! He isn't a nice person and he's not making you happy so just end it.

Do you have children?

If not, and since you are not married, I would call an end to this relationship. You are not this person’s punching bag. What does he offer you? A relationship should make you happy most of the time.

Your action should be separating tbh

Imagine the peace of it stopping forever OP.

That will never happen with him, I've been with someone like this too sadly, as everyone has said you cannot win with this man, everything you do will always be wrong and when you do the opposite that will be wrong too. Even if you do exactly what he tells you to do that will be wrong - you've seen that.

When I finally left, the sheer relief and peace of not having mindbending conflict every day was incredible, I had literally forgotten what not being in constant distress was like. I promise you, all you will wonder is why you didn't set yourself free sooner.

You won't solve these circular arguments because he has discovered if he shouts at you, you do what he wants and it's super effective.

You're so snared up in understanding him, you've abandoned yourself. You're the main character in your own life, you're not the supporting cast in the 'Angry, Financially Irresponsible Man' show.

Either you:
A) make peace with this as your life now, abandon your own hopes of a calm home and supportive partner to put up with this shit ( for goodness sake don't bring a kid into this); or

B) tell him he needs to get some help with his behaviour or you're leaving him, and when he actually goes and gets help, does the work and behaves like an emotionally continent adult you can have a grown up relationship from then on; or

C) cut your losses, accept you're not compatible and leave because this is not a good man.

It really as that simple.
The time to leave was the first time he screamed at you but the second best time is now.

He doesn't care how you feel. He doesn't want anything to change - why would he? As far as he's concerned, everything's working fine - he acts angry, you put up and shut up.

I think you're making the common mistake people do with abusers - thinking "if he just UNDERSTOOD how this upsets me, he'd be different". He knows, he doesn't care. If you shut up and tolerate his awful treatment of you, it's all good. Only you can decide whether you're going to keep on doing that.