I’m currently feeling very isolated and insane, please feel free to give me straight advice.
My partner is, in his words, emotionally unaware. He struggles a lot with anger. I’ve put up with a lot of property destruction, shouting, name calling and general nastiness because I understand where his anger comes from. Probably mistake number one.
On the other hand, I will avoid conflict like the plague. I hate shouting, I hate feeling like I’m letting someone down. I consider my words carefully, I’ll never insult someone. But I am a crier. I will cry if I am being screamed at or if someone is nasty to me. Trying to stop doing this.
There’s been around 4 months now of solid back to back arguments. All about similar things but with no resolution. He has spent a lot of money on his addiction, has turned down freelance jobs for further free time, he has spent shared money on items that he wanted without discussion, he’s loaned money off me for significant purchases and said this is what couples do.
I’m not perfect - I am sensitive and appreciate time together. I’m beginning to feel like a facilitator of pooor choices.
The pattern goes
- I bring something up (eg I feel like we’re passing ships, can we plan some time together?)
- I get told my attitude stinks - my tone is off
- He focuses on what he’s done “wrong again” - I’m a bad person/i never get anything right/all I think about is you/I do everything for you
- I try and explain that I am wanting more time
- He says I’m criticising him and that I’m saying he’s not enough
- He shouts, says he’s unheard
- I cry, shut down and just agree with him
- Next morning, pretend like nothing happened
I’ve had enough of this pattern. I am having trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I said to him last night after another argument the night before, we need to understand why we keep arguing, I feel sad we are not understanding each other - you said you don’t feel seen by me, tell me how you’re feeling.
Obviously the wrong thing to say. He got annoyed again saying he wants action, not to talk about feelings again. He told me that he feels unappreciated because I don’t praise him, he said I know I don’t do a lot of stuff for you, but even just saying it would be nice.
This was followed by more shouting when I said we might both be guilty of not voicing how we feel about each other. He said he doesn’t want to talk about my feelings, I’m saying fuck his feelings, and that this gets us nowhere.
He said I don’t need him, but he needs me. I said I don’t want to be needed, I’d like to feel wanted.
He told me a goal for me would be to walk away when he’s screaming at me and to not let him speak to me like that. He said it’s odd I sit and take it.
He said I need to work on my tone.
He said he will pay me more compliments - I’m unsure of why this would help.
I feel empty and anxious today. I just feel like I came to him and wanted to understand him but I’ve made it worse again. I do care about him. But I am exhausted.
Eye rolls, sighing, shouting, standing up to scream in my face. I’m so tired.
Am I the problem; how do you fix circular arguments? Should I just agree to goals?