Months of repeated arguments - how to break the cycle? Aibu to think feelings matter

[Passusthepilla]

I’m currently feeling very isolated and insane, please feel free to give me straight advice.

My partner is, in his words, emotionally unaware. He struggles a lot with anger. I’ve put up with a lot of property destruction, shouting, name calling and general nastiness because I understand where his anger comes from. Probably mistake number one.

On the other hand, I will avoid conflict like the plague. I hate shouting, I hate feeling like I’m letting someone down. I consider my words carefully, I’ll never insult someone. But I am a crier. I will cry if I am being screamed at or if someone is nasty to me. Trying to stop doing this.

There’s been around 4 months now of solid back to back arguments. All about similar things but with no resolution. He has spent a lot of money on his addiction, has turned down freelance jobs for further free time, he has spent shared money on items that he wanted without discussion, he’s loaned money off me for significant purchases and said this is what couples do.

I’m not perfect - I am sensitive and appreciate time together. I’m beginning to feel like a facilitator of pooor choices.

The pattern goes

1. I bring something up (eg I feel like we’re passing ships, can we plan some time together?)
2. I get told my attitude stinks - my tone is off
3. He focuses on what he’s done “wrong again” - I’m a bad person/i never get anything right/all I think about is you/I do everything for you
4. I try and explain that I am wanting more time
5. He says I’m criticising him and that I’m saying he’s not enough
6. He shouts, says he’s unheard
7. I cry, shut down and just agree with him
8. Next morning, pretend like nothing happened

I’ve had enough of this pattern. I am having trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I said to him last night after another argument the night before, we need to understand why we keep arguing, I feel sad we are not understanding each other - you said you don’t feel seen by me, tell me how you’re feeling.

Obviously the wrong thing to say. He got annoyed again saying he wants action, not to talk about feelings again. He told me that he feels unappreciated because I don’t praise him, he said I know I don’t do a lot of stuff for you, but even just saying it would be nice.

This was followed by more shouting when I said we might both be guilty of not voicing how we feel about each other. He said he doesn’t want to talk about my feelings, I’m saying fuck his feelings, and that this gets us nowhere.

He said I don’t need him, but he needs me. I said I don’t want to be needed, I’d like to feel wanted.

He told me a goal for me would be to walk away when he’s screaming at me and to not let him speak to me like that. He said it’s odd I sit and take it.

He said I need to work on my tone.

He said he will pay me more compliments - I’m unsure of why this would help.

I feel empty and anxious today. I just feel like I came to him and wanted to understand him but I’ve made it worse again. I do care about him. But I am exhausted.

Eye rolls, sighing, shouting, standing up to scream in my face. I’m so tired.

Am I the problem; how do you fix circular arguments? Should I just agree to goals?

How did this start? What was the relationship like 6 months ago?

whilst you are in this cycle it's going to be hard to think clearly. You are trapped in the "what did I say that was so wrong". It sounds like he is constantly spurring for a fight and really it's not that you are doing things to make him have a go. He is searching out "reasons" excuses a shout and scream at you.

Saying the one thing you are doing wrong is taking it is so backwards.

Take yourself out of the situation, imagine you are a stranger in the street and he acted like this to you, what would you do? Would you keep knocking on his door to get another taste of this life or would you knock on a different door? Why do you deserve less from the person who is supposed to want to put you first than a stranger on the street.

As a person with an addictive personality I can tell you now it is really bloody hard to have meaningful relationships when you are in an addictive place. For me it was in my late teens and I wasn't a good friend to anyone. There was one thing that mattered to me and that was my addiction and thinking of ways to feed it. For me it was anorexia/bulimia/self harm/drink hybrid. They were the first thoughts I had when I woke up and the last thoughts I had before I went to bed. Nowadays that compulsion is satisfied in soft/health ways with games and puzzles and the like and it allows me to be an active member of relationships. From everything you have said, I hear that right now the combination of the two of you means this is not a relationship that is not giving either of you loving fulfilment. If this is completely out of character for him and he's willing to work on himself separately there may be a chance but from what you have said I would doubt this is the case and the last 4 months are the last straws.

You deserve more

This is exactly what angers him.

He’ll say all you do is criticise, name one good thing that I do for you. You don’t need me. I don’t do anything for you. How do you think that feels?

And then he demands that I tell him a good thing that he does for me, knowing I don’t know, and then gets upset.

examples of what I would bring up are
please can you tell me before our bills arrive that you can’t pay them this month
please can you not get in contact with people you shouldn’t be talking to
please can you actually follow through when you say you’ve got something planned for me.

im no saint, but I’m not nasty.

Mate. Just leave the abusive fucker

So you can't name one positive thing he's done for you but you still think this is the relationship you should be in?
Take some responsibility for what's going on here. You are enabling his treatment of you and your bar is so low, it's not even visible above ground level.
Nobody should be needing anybody. People should be together because they want to be, not because they need to be. A romantic relationship is a partnership between two completely independent adults. You have a dependent, and a nasty one at that. And you are allowing this to continue for no reason whatsoever.

He's abusive and he's gaslighting you. I'm sorry, and I hope you can get out.

His knob must taste like chocolate to put up with this. Just leave this needy manipulative jobless addict. Like you really need to ask?!

I voted you are being unreasonable. You are being unreasonable to continue to try to talk this through when you should just leave him.
He destroys property, he shouts, he calls you names, he is nasty, he is an addict, he leaches money off you whilst turning down work, he steals your shared money for personal purchases, he tone polices you, he blames you for his behaviour.
Any of these would be a reason to leave him. Together, you are totally unreasonable to stay. How can you be helped to leave your abuser?

You are trying to rescue or "fix" him.

You cannot do this. You are too close. You probably know this if you work in mental health (I mean, since when did anyone ever listen to their own good advice, so I get it).

Do you have a clinical supervisor and would you feel comfortable opening up to them about this issue?

OP the cycle you describe in numbered stages is straight out of the Abusive Man Playbook. My ex was the same: exactly the same. Put me down Couldn’t take criticism. Made everything about his feelings. Never listened to mine.

I spent years tying myself in knots trying to understand him, or make him understand. and fix things. I felt anxious, insecure, unloved. I tried to teach him basic emotional awareness. But everything I did or said or tried was wrong. I spent years trying to get him to understand that you should care about your partners’ feelings. That you need to show them love. It was exhausting. I would tread on eggshells. Endure days, weeks of silent treatment.

Reader, I left him. I went away on a trip and realised there was a whole world out there. I realised I was wasting my life. I got back and told him “We shouldn’t buy this house together. We should break up. We’re not compatible. You can’t see what you’re doing to damage the relationship, so there’s no improving it. I’m done.”

Guess what? He knew what he was doing all along. He was doing it on purpose. He didn’t need help to change, he didn’t not understand what I was saying. It was all tactics to try to control and silence me. And when there was nowhere left to hide he finally admitted it, begged forgiveness, said he’d change.

I reminded him that I had told him years ago that he was causing irreparable harm. By then I had no respect left for him. I hated him. It took him a long time to accept that and let go.

OP, don’t be fooled. These men know exactly what they’re doing. They deny, they try to make you question yourself, they try to make you small, and they reverse every issue you have so that it’s an attack on them. It’s intentional. He can’t “not help it”. He’s doing it on purpose to control you.

Tell him where to stuff it, sell the stuff he bought with your money, and get this horrible, manipulative, aggressive, leeching, waste of space out of your life.

What the actual fuck are you doing with this vile cunt?

Maybe you need someone else who likes you, OP. He doesn't sound very nice. Do you have somewhere else you can go?

So to sum up: He’s training you not to question him by being abusive when you do. It’s working.

You may not be ready to leave yet but it’s so clearly the only answer, that nobody will have any patience with you for putting up with such awful behaviour, and likely very little sympathy.

Sorry to be brutal but I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been there!

This is a type of abuse - leave safely

You are being abused, mentally, emotionally and financially. Property destruction such as hitting walls or throwing things count as physical abuse. I bet you are also being coerced. That is FIVE different forms of abuse @Passusthepilla and I wouldn't put it past him to be sexually abusive, if not now then very soon.
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Wake up, and get out while you can. Contact Women's Aid or Refuge or your local DA. Talk to your GP too.

How are you feeling this morning op? You’ve had a pretty much unanimous ltb but however much mn wills it real life doesn’t work like that.

How are you fixed financially? Do you have dc? How easy would it be practically for you to leave?

I think you need to start small to help you find your own strength. Start by shutting down when he gets nasty, don’t engage with him and take his advice, walk away when he’s being aggressive simply say ‘please don’t talk to me like that’ in a tone where the ‘please’ is authoritative not begging and disengage walk away.

How much free time do you have away from him? Start going for a walk or something where you can loose yourself in a hobby. Even if it’s sitting in a coffee shop with a book.

it takes a long time to leave a relationship, he’s not going to change but you can work on changing how you react.

💐

You're trying to fix him.

He doesn't want to be fixed. He wants a quieter doormat.

And he'd still not be satisfied, because his dissatisfaction is with himself but chooses to blame you for who he is: it's easier than facing himself.

I've got three pieces of advice for you, OP:

1. Use your professional support system to find a safe person. With them, start exploring why you put up with this AND formulate a plan to get yourself out of the relationship.
2. In the meantime, save your frayed nerves at home. There's nothing wrong with having feelings, opinions and questions but it's obviously a waste of time trying to communicate them to him. Stick to bland, soothing noises like "Oh, really", "That's nice" and "Tea or coffee?"
3. Make absolutely triple-sure that your financial interests are secure. Don't put all your money in a joint account, don't give him a credit card, do get up to speed on debts attached to him or you both.

You can do it. It's worthwhile. Best wishes!

Then you should know how damaging these relationships can be not just to your mental health, but to your nervous system and physical health, and some of that can be permanent.

Are you even particularly sensitive or are you sensitive because you're being abused?

Am I the problem; how do you fix circular arguments? Should I just agree to goals?

No you're not the problem.
You can't fix them.

No you shouldn't agree to the goals. He wants to continue to behave how he's always behaving and thinks your goal should be to walk away when he's screaming in your face. That is not normal.

You need to leave. He's not going to get better and this won't have a happy ending. It's a dead end relationship and the only thing you have control over is how long you're going to let it go on for. You can leave now and go through the break up now, or do it down the line when he's caused even more damage to you.

He sounds like a classic emotional abuser, sorry. End it, and consider some talk therapy to help you work out why you've put up with and even internalised the blame for his atrocious behaviour for so long so that you don't repeat the pattern with someone else (or worse, take this arsehole back down the road). I don't mean to be harsh or "blame the victim" but - whether or not you feel like you can realistically leave the relationship - the behaviour toward you that you've described here should not be excused or rationalised, regardless of whether he has trauma or you have faults or whatever.

Stop the loans.
Take charge of your own actions.
Do not become enraged.
Behave like the person you respect most.

Do not point out your partners yelling. He know it. Ignore.
He is totally in charge of his own actions.
He will soon learn that you are not near him, nor listening to him, nor facilitating him once he becomes enraged.
Don't accept any poor treatment of yourself.

Walk in a different direction and live your own life.

Why are you still there?

This sounds horrific.

I think anyone’s nerves would be jangling living like this, sensitive or not.

This is abusive.

Please leave him any which way you can.

He sounds horrific OP. He’s abusing, gaslighting and manipulating you. He’s an addict and a sponger. What on earth do you get out of this relationship? This will never get better. Please leave now.

I’ve made plans to leave before, but I always end up staying. I’m so frustrated with myself and the situation, I feel like I’m trapped even though I know I’m not. When he argues I just end up feeling so exhausted and confused that I just want it to stop.

I voted YABU because I think you are unreasonable trying to talk things out with this abusive man.
He will always shout you down because he likes having his accommodation sorted, meals cooked, laundry done, no need to work and someone to take his frustration out on. There are no words you can use to him that will “make him see”. The solution to your pain and sadness is to break up with him.
Best of luck 💕

OP why are there people "you shouldn't be talking to?"