MIL has sent us a Christmas schedule

[TheChristmasSchedule2026]

MIL has decided that ‘enough is enough’ and she wants a faaaamily Christmas.

We said yes we will try to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if she lets us know which she prefers. We have now been sent a schedule which stretches from the 23-27 December.
Im working on 23 the whole day and AM on 24th. She will apparently amend the schedule to reflect that and I won’t have any ‘duties’ on 24 (she had put me down as helping prep veg)

She thinks dh and the dc can just travel up and I can go straight from work on Christmas Eve.

We are seeing her this weekend so dh has said he will explain to her that we won’t be doing this as we have our own plans and reiterate that she can pick Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a visit , if it’s Christmas Eve it will just be dh and the dc though (but I don’t think that will bother her it’s more dh and the dc she would want to see).

She is generally very controlling but this is more so than usual! I did say to dh just check first that she isn’t unwell or anything but otherwise AIBU to stick to just one day !

Yes that too.

Anyone planning Christmas stuff in October is being V V unreasonable!!!!

Op has said that MIL usually went away for Christmas in the past. Mil and Pil went away earlier this year (I presume as retired so can do cheaper times), so this being home for a family Christmas is a new thing.

I wonder if, when MIL and FIL were on holiday over every Christmas to suit themselves, they ever thought that their own children might like to see their parents then, or the grandchildren to see their grandparents?

No, I thought not...

How far is 'travelling up'?

It could be 50 miles or 500.

Hardly. Many supermarkets opened their Christmas delivery slots on 1 October and there is always a scramble for them and to add the main course (free range turkey etc) as some sell out very quickly.

Oh yes, I forgot that the only purpose inlaws have is to fit in with their grown-up children's families.
Can you imagine posting on here asking it it was OK to go away over christmas because the grandparents might be upset? They would without doubt be told to go ahead as the children are yours, not theirs, and they are being unreasonable.
This is a very entertaining thread.

Bang it on the head now or it will become an expectation. & leave it to your partner to do the deed.

Your working the 23 and the am of the 24 of December. You probably had a few years of juggling working hours over Xmas with a baby or small kids and meanwhile she was away for Christmas for years.

Now she is retired from a HT post in school. At least your husband agrees with you about your Christmas plans and will tell her it's the 24th or 26th for a visit.

I would not change my Christmas plans to suit her this year. Your and your husband are entitled to some down time and family only time over Xmas.
Along with this you don't have say 2 weeks off over Xmas like your mil had for years.

I know some people and as they get older they expect the world to revolve around them and their needs. Meanwhile there adult kids are working, possibly have kids and very little free time. One of my friend's mother is like your mil. My friend and her sibling have decided that they will visit ect if and when it suits them.

It would probably ease her mind to understand if you might EVER be able to do what she considers a proper family Christmas together (ie a couple/few consecutive days), or if this is to all intents and purposes off the table due to [your side of the family / your own nuclear family wanting to be on your own / work / some combo of these] and will only ever be a day or two here and there across the Christmas period.

If she and FIL have always gone away, it has never been a question before and she actually doesn't know the answer. It's definitely a weird way of discovering the answer to issue a schedule, she should have started with an exploratory conversation, but she's trying to find out if she can ever, before she and FIL either die or become very very old, expect a "family" Christmas of the kind they used to have when their own kids were small.

Something I've heard of families successfully doing is "Christmas" a few weeks before, with the side of the family they are not going to be with at Christmas itself that year.

Americans, with Thanksgiving so close to Christmas, can sometimes make it work by dividing it up that way.

Or perhaps Easter could become a bigger than it has been. However it happens, what she's looking for is a big festivity with you guys staying overnight for a couple of days,l. If you are also up for that, maybe you can create a clever solution that becomes a tradition over time.

She's recently retired, how close to death do you imagine she is?!

I may be in a minority but I don't see what's wrong with having a schedule, when you're hosting a big family gathering at Christmas. My DD hosted last Christmas (first Christmas in her first house) and we were all allocated tasks. It was fun! No-one grumbled about contributing to the festivities, even if it was something dull like peeling potatoes.

How did you agreeing to visit on christmas Eve or Boxing day result in a you being sent schedule that runs from 23 rd to 27th?
Had she scheduled you on days that you hadnt agreed to?
Surely, if thats the case your DH needs to nip that in the bud.

As someone said on another recent thread (I think with some of the same posters)... someone's left the gate open to Gransnet.

Has she just discovered mr ChatGpt? His schedules are pretty compelling.

Are you one of those dil that just prefers her own family? If so this is why she has probably taken matters into her own hands if she is sick of being sidelined. Oh and if you are like my own sil you will reply with, "of course I prefer my own family, who doesn't" as an excuse for shitty behaviour.

MIL sounds like she needs to get some hobbies since retiring. It sounds very much like she is struggling with the transition, and putting that into her family with entitled plans and schedules.

I can’t stand being told what to do!! I would get your DH to tell her in advance of your visit so she’s well aware about this and has had time to get used to the idea before you arrive for your visit.

A big family Christmas is fine if you want to do it, but expecting everyone to fit in around what you want is unreasonable.

I don’t think it’s allocating tasks to everyone that’s the problem - I think the point here is that she hasn’t been asked to host and is just expecting everyone to fall in with what she wants. She sounds really controlling and I think the danger here is that she will expect the same every year.

But did she invite you and you said yes before the allocation of tasks?

But this is going on for days, not just the one.

Sorry that was meant for the quoted poster.

Not read the thread have you?

Touched a nerve? 😆

YABVU to not tell us what the schedule is.