MIL has sent us a Christmas schedule

[TheChristmasSchedule2026]

MIL has decided that ‘enough is enough’ and she wants a faaaamily Christmas.

We said yes we will try to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if she lets us know which she prefers. We have now been sent a schedule which stretches from the 23-27 December.
Im working on 23 the whole day and AM on 24th. She will apparently amend the schedule to reflect that and I won’t have any ‘duties’ on 24 (she had put me down as helping prep veg)

She thinks dh and the dc can just travel up and I can go straight from work on Christmas Eve.

We are seeing her this weekend so dh has said he will explain to her that we won’t be doing this as we have our own plans and reiterate that she can pick Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a visit , if it’s Christmas Eve it will just be dh and the dc though (but I don’t think that will bother her it’s more dh and the dc she would want to see).

She is generally very controlling but this is more so than usual! I did say to dh just check first that she isn’t unwell or anything but otherwise AIBU to stick to just one day !

The OP mentioned they already had plans for Christmas day and offered either of the other two main days which isn't good enough for the iLs.

Like the pp - we were always juggling a lot of different family if we wanted to see them all but the difference was we always wanted to see them more than fit in an extra holiday.

Now the MiL isn't on hols over Christmas its fine for her to decide to fill the gap with family in the future but she doesn't get to unilaterally declare what others can do and for how long just two months before Christmas. Most families have their visiting and hosting plans at least roughly fixed by now. She would be more reasonable to take eg boxing day and then discuss what they would all like to do in future years.

When I was a child each immediate family unit had their own Christmas Day and my grandmother invited us all (cousins, aunt etc) to her, very nice (great cook, cosy welcoming home) Christmas Day on a pre-arranged day after Christmas that suited most invited. Boxing Day was no good for travel and my own family had to go to my widowed other grandfather on the actual day, so he would not have to be alone, so Boxing Day became "our" Christmas Day at home with Grandma's day to look forward to yet.

My first worry was she may be unwell, but this is the first Christmas since she retired and I’m wondering if she is missing the intense organisation she would have had around festivities at a large school?

So she's gone from doing Christmas exactly as it suits her by going away with FIL to give her a break from the intensity of work, and now she's not there any more she's expecting you to drop everything and fill it in for her.

OP if you posted to ask if you as a family were unreasonable to tell her it wasn't going to happen, no YANBU. And if she really wanted a family Christmas, this was exactly the wrong way to go about it.

I like it that she not only told you when you all had to be there, but that she had you down for prepping the veg. Did she give your husband a job too, or was it only you 'cos, you know, women's work?

The good thing here though, is that DH isn't giving in to her because he doesn't want to upset her and would rather upset you instead. That isn't always the case on MIL threads.

But this is a five-day schedule when OP and her husband have made it clear they will only be there for one!

I want to see the schedule too.

More Christmas crap.
Tell her your not doing it anymore.

So having a 4 day schedule thrust upon you, without being asked and no consideration to what other things you may have organised or work you may have let alone it being Christmas and you may want to spend time with other family members? Or already ordered food and invited people for Christmas day? That's ok for you, because they are family? I wouldn't take that from anyone!

Ask, invite, suggest, certainly but not instruct!

Just leaves OP to organise getting the kids sorted, either packing stuff to stay over, or leaving the house every day over the festive period, taking all the presents for Christmas Day, dealing with the kids complaining they're not seeing their friends to see and show off presents. And are there any pets to make arrangements for? As opposed to slopping around in your PJs on Christmas morning and cooking a roast dinner at a time that suits you all. Yep, big load removed.

She sounds insane. Stick to your guns or she will think she can dictate Christmas every year!

Me either, but it's par for the course on MN. Everyone hates their parents. And seeing them over Christmas is a massive no-no. Their parents' happiness is not their responsibility, you see. 🤣People want it to be "my own little family." Just as long as they remember that, when they're the ones who are old and their beloved DC don't want to see them over Christmas, then fine.

If I sound bitter, it's because I am.

Your MIL was a headmistress? That's hilarious! Mine sure acted like one, although she wasn't. It would have been her calling, though!

We do alternate Xmas periods with the grandparents (unless my dh is working then I go to mine which mil totally understands - it would feel odd (and sad!) driving to my in laws without my dh there).

Xmas Eve to Boxing Day (2 nights). Enough time to have a great xmas and not enough time for everyone to annoy each other. See both sets of parents in the run up to do things like Xmas lights or a Xmas market.

I think we try and keep it fair to both and open, honest conversation is always best. You said your mil was only made aware now you are working xmas eve. Does that mean there had been no conversations about xmas plans at all before now or had she forgotten? I’d make it clear very early on which days you are free and which days are a no. Alternate years with parents (with a few exceptions) has always worked for us.

Yes it's overstepping a bit. However I doubt she is doing it to be confrontational. You say it's the first Christmas since retirement and they are normally away at that time. She could be bored, missing planning things and gone all in without taking a step back and thinking. I'm sure if DH speaks calmly to her she'll back off a little once the boundaries are in place.

This is quite funny 😁. However your husband needs to speak to her and nip this in the bud, point out you are not her paid staff who can be scheduled . She's clearly a bit under occupied since her retirement, she needs to be told to divert her energies in a different direction. Christmas is still two months away, this needs to be dealt with now , before she comes up with anything else.

But if they go for the day on Boxing Day, then it's not a family Christmas, is it?

My parents are gone, as are many other members of the older generation. Some died of cancer just a few months after diagnosis. You never know what will happen in a year when someone is older. I think OP should let her have one family Christmas. It will be good for the DC and you can take lots of photos that they will treasure in future years and make some memories with their DGM.

What are you doing on Christmas day itself? If you spend every Christmas day with your family, then YABU.
Only offering Xmas Eve (without you) or Boxing Day doesn't seem like a 'we love you and want to spend time with you' offer. Surely illness shouldn't be the only reason to spend Christmas together?!

Agree and if they are usually away (but are not doing that now she is retired), then its only really fair to consider having Xmas day with her in future years. Keep it fair between both sets of parents.

It does sound like she is not out of work mode yet. A message to say ‘can we sort which days we are doing Xmas together’ would have been better from her. I’d ‘let her off’ this year and get plans sorted early next year so everyone knows who is with who!

Is the problem that she just thinks that this is how everyone does Christmas when they aren't on holiday?

Anyway, good that your DH is sorting it out.

I can, I'm a grown up, i can organise my time myself.

Of course its a family Christmas - if you have more than one or two relatives its entirely normal to split times between them (including in some families doing "Christmas get together " at a weekend before or after. You are also assuming they have no other relatives to consider.

This Christmas is a good time to discuss what they all want to do in the future, not that the 'iLs can find time for their family at Christmas.

I’ve seen it before with newly retired people: after a busy career they look forward to a new life centered around their family, without realising their family has gone about their lives without them while they were still working. They still have energy, haven’t worked out life at a slower pace and some don’t realise that the change in their life changes nothing in other people’s lives (so to speak). She just has to adjust. By taking her holiday during term time she’s saved money but is now looking at a a quiet Christmas. If it’s not surrounded by family she will soon be wondering why she bothered retiring/ how awful retirement is.

Totally get it.. You don't want someone else organising your time.. but on the other hand... is it really a command to obey.. or is she just fed up of trying to work out who will be where when.
However, You don't want to get bossed about. This is your time.
Do your own schedule and send it to her. I'd really appreciate that instead of a vague "Oh maybe a friday or a saturday".. to which my answer would be "Morning? midnight? will you need a lift?
It's making me feel tired just thinking about it.

What I'm saying is.. Maybe its not an order. Maybe she's just gathering the information she has and putting it out there so you can all comment. It's not necessarily a bad thing.

In recent years with offspring travelling in from many different places. it's begun to feel like herding cats.
Everyone wants to get together, everyone has a different schedule. Everyone asks me what everyone else is doing - although they could ask each other.

Just tell me if you want food or not. And then don't come home past midnight and raid the fridge and eat all the ingredients for something I was planning to use for a special meal for all of you.
It's not a question of me ordering them about. It's just I'm fed up of not knowing how many to cater for before or after Christmas. How much food to buy etc.

I love having them all together but think Whats Apping them a calendar of who is arriving/leaving and when is actually a good idea. If only so they don't keep asking me! I'm not Alexa. I can't mindread and tell you what everyone is doing outings or presentwise 😂 But it will be alright on the night.
To us, its a moveable feast. Its Christmas Week.. not day. So if they have fun stuff planned, we don't care as long as we get a bit of time over the week. That works for all of us.

Speaking as a retired MIL myself.
She is bonkers.
You are very good to offer Xmas eve or boxing day.