MIL has sent us a Christmas schedule

[TheChristmasSchedule2026]

MIL has decided that ‘enough is enough’ and she wants a faaaamily Christmas.

We said yes we will try to visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if she lets us know which she prefers. We have now been sent a schedule which stretches from the 23-27 December.
Im working on 23 the whole day and AM on 24th. She will apparently amend the schedule to reflect that and I won’t have any ‘duties’ on 24 (she had put me down as helping prep veg)

She thinks dh and the dc can just travel up and I can go straight from work on Christmas Eve.

We are seeing her this weekend so dh has said he will explain to her that we won’t be doing this as we have our own plans and reiterate that she can pick Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a visit , if it’s Christmas Eve it will just be dh and the dc though (but I don’t think that will bother her it’s more dh and the dc she would want to see).

She is generally very controlling but this is more so than usual! I did say to dh just check first that she isn’t unwell or anything but otherwise AIBU to stick to just one day !

but would you? I mean if you are a massive scheduler, could you actually turn off your brain?

If she is normally a bit controlling but not on this scale my first thought would also be that she isnt well. It does seem a bit strange for her to do this. I hope she is ok.

I don’t think so.
It’s just a way of referencing not just kinda “do Christmas” but do so big style. ALL of the family ALL together for multiple days over Christmas all having a marvellous time (supposedly) because we’re faaaaamily.
Some people love that. Some, however much they love their family would rather not. It’s too much.
As soon as I read the op I knew exactly what the @TheChristmasSchedule2026 meant and read it Peggy Mitchell style.

That's a lot!! Ha. Glad your DH is on your side. Definitely be looking at less and certainly I'm always keen to spend Xmas eve and day at home as thats what the magic is all about. If they live a distance away going boxing day and staying over might be nice so then you can have a drink and relax more. We do this with my in laws but leave after breakfast on the 27th.

It just needs one comment from your DH that them deciding to be at home doesn’t mean they get to make everyone’s plans.

So now she's changed her usual practice and wants everyone else just to go along with what she wants. You'd think she'd be old enough to have learned that is not how the world works. In all those years you have established your own faaamily customs and are sticking with them because they work for you.

The first few Christmases I spent with my husband we went to his parents’ house. When we had our son we did another couple of years with them but when he got a bit older it was obvious that going to their house took a lot of the excitement and magic away for him. So we stayed at home but invited them to come to us.

It was awful. We did everything for them but his mum was never happy, pretty much everything we did was somehow wrong and didn’t match the version of Christmas that she had in her head. For example, she was upset that we didn’t have a Christmas pudding even though none of us - including her - like Christmas pudding! She wasn’t like this staying with us at other times of the year, just Christmas. It’s like she was deliberately ramping up the stress levels and at one point she kind of suggested being stressed and arguing was ‘traditional’.

I would’ve sucked it up and smiled through it if all our efforts had made her happy, but they didn’t. No one enjoys it so what’s the bloody point? She’ll try to guilt trip us every year wanting to be together but the best I can give is a couple of days between Christmas and New Year, I’m not sacrificing my downtime to accommodate someone else’s mania

How is the OP being “controlling” because she’s dared to say no, we’re not coming for Christmas Day? It’s just factual!

And why shouldn’t OP spend Christmas with her parents? Surely if she gives in and spends it with her in-laws, her parents will be left “on their own”? Why is that okay for them, but not the in-laws?

Totally agree. My MIL used to try this. Nipped it in the bud IMMEDIATELY.
life is too short to tolerate that level of disrespect

You’re ignoring the fact that OP and her husband told MIL that they could come on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, yet she has sent them a schedule for what they should all be doing from 23 - 27 December. She's already been told they won’t be there on those dates.

What I'm saying is.. Maybe its not an order. Maybe she's just gathering the information she has and putting it out there so you can all comment. It's not necessarily a bad thing.

The information she includes the information that OP and her husband have no intention on f being there on Christmas Day, or the 23rd or 27th. There is nothing to comment on for those days.

It’s fine to want it. That doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

If MIL was a headmistress for years, surely
shes taught enough children the life lesson that you don’t always get what you want to understand it herself?

I get you can’t do the full scheduled period due to work but what’s your reason for not being able to do Christmas Day?

Why does there have to be a reason other than “It’s not part of our plans”?

BECAUSE THEY DON"T WANT TO YES I AM SHOUTING

My DM started this once she hit about 65. It had the opposite effect and actually made us spend less time
together.
Its much better to suggest things, create a nice environment and hope everyone gets on.
My DM would demand Christmas eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day and because we wouldn’t do Boxing Day, she would then try and shoehorn another ‘family’ day in. 2 days together (we all live close by) is plenty I think.

If they already have plans fine and if they don’t want to also fine, of course they don’t have to, but they can at least consider before dismissing it. The children might enjoy spending Christmas with their grandparents, it sounds like this doesn’t normally happen.

I think if I had been sent a schedule for my activities over christmas then I'd be inclined to dismiss it out of hand, especially if the reason I was being summoned was that the person doing the scheduling was going to be at home for christmas and is usually on holiday. I think being given first choice before the other set of parents between the two available days is pretty generous.

This sounds like a nightmare you poor thing! Not being unreasonable!!!

Wow… I would let DH explain to her that your family’s time is not hers to dictate and you have other people to think about as well as your own nuclear family’s Christmas traditions already. I would also suggest that he ask her if she is struggling with retirement as she is behaving like a HT instead of a family member by totally ignoring your previous explanations about your Christmas plans and steamrollering you with an unsolicited itinerary as though you are her students.

As you haven't commented since this morning I am guessing that you have reached your own conclusions, which are that you have no intention of changing your mind - which is of course absolutely your perogative.

However, just in case you are still reading these replys, I want to tell me my viewpoint - which I think is fair enough to do, as you were the one to open your post to all Mumsnetters.

I tĥink that your MiL was really out of order to say what she did, and as a HT her way of thinking is slightly worrying in so much as if a child came to her - maybe because they were sent to her for misbehaving in class - did she have enough understanding of a childs psche to know the myriad of reasons why any particular child may be behaving in a certain way?

But back to you @TheChristmasSchedule2026, just because an adult behaves in such a way - in any way, good, bad, or indifferent - it does not mean that when somone else's standard of reasonable behaviour does not match our own, that we have to lower ourselves to their level, in reponse to them. I presume that your MiL is about 68 years old, give or take, and I hope that your MiL gave your DH the best childhood that she could, and that therefore your DH was a reasonably well adjusted adilt when you met him?

If that is the case, and your DH still wants contact with his DM, I think you are being rather cruel to your MiL for not being willing to invite her and your FiL - if he is still on the scene, to your home over Christmas, whether that is just for Christmas Day itself, or longer if appropriate. If your MiL still has her heart set on doing the Christmas Day hosting, for what I suppose could be her last year of being both well enough, and young enough, to undertake doing so, could you not find it in your heart to be the more mature, and kind adult, and tell her that sadly you can only visit for one day this Christmas, but you and her DS would love it to be Christmas Day itself, as it is has been so long since you were all last together on Christmas Day?

I am asking you to please do this one kind thing over Christmas this year OP, especially as I know from my own very difficult experience (as a DiL at Christmas) how horrible regret is once it is too late to do anything about it...

Edited to say that I started this late last night, but got distracted, hence me not finishing this until today!

I agree. I hope he holds his ground

This is the most empathetic response yet. All those asking if she’s ill or suggesting PA response are totally off the mark.

And I also can’t understand why you wouldn’t have Christmas Day with her, you haven’t responded to that.

She probably didn’t say those exact words but what’s not normal about saying we can either see you Xmas Eve or Boxing day? That would be a normal conversation in our family around Xmas plans if we had already made plans for xmas day. We have limited time off at Christmas and have to organise our time between both my divorced parents and my husbands family.

I think your husband just confirms what dates and times you are available.