Intuition and affairs… ever wrong?

[OTA]

I’m going to confront my partner of 10 years tonight about what I suspect is an affair. I don’t have concrete proof, just a horrible feeling of impeding doom and subtle changes in his behaviour. We’ve been arguing non stop for a couple of months, mainly about a new friendship he’s forged with a random woman. other things about me being insecure, riddled with anxiety and him calling me a black cloud.

I have nothing but small inconsistencies to go on. Smiling at his phone. Mentionitis. Telling me to dye my hair the same colour as new friend. Just really weird stuff. And interceding all the arguments, moments during or after sex when he’s been tearful and said I love you so much?

YABU - gut feelings can be wrong
YANBU - women’s intuition is never wrong

I hope you have called the police OP and have got him out of your house. Do you have a friend or family member who can come and stay with you?

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look. Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details

Are you ok OP?

Regardless of the cheating his behaviour is frightening and abusive so you have no choice now. I hope you managed to get rid of him.

He’s gone

Please see if someone can stay with you tonight OP, I’m nervous for you. Well done on following your instinct.

I hope you’re ok xxx

Relieved to hear this. Look after yourself and let us know how you’re doing when you’re able to.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

Op read this website. Report the violence to the police. It is better to protect yourself as much as you can. The link shows you how to get a non molestation order - you need to act quickly.

If his violent behaviour was a shock to you and the first time he has behaved in such a way then you still need to report him as you have no idea what he is capable of.

Not that it’s relevant but his response (accusing you of cheating) is another hallmark of a cheat. They are dull as dishwater - so predictable.

Make sure to get your locks changed OP. Look after yourself.

MN have posted more information to support the OP.

They do sometimes put out a message about ‘looking behind the scenes’ or that they are in contact with a poster.

I have had an email from MN saying just that, following my report.

They have a reporting flag under safeguarding.

Hope you are okay!

@OTA Is he upset because you've wrongly accused him... or because he knows the game is up and/or the consequences for him personally?

Why was he asking about your messages - is there something he's suspicious about?

Why have you been arguing for the last few months - does or doesn't that point to a root cause? Is that something you could or should have fixed? I get the impression it's a bit unstable anyway - do either of you have a calm head or are you both a bit fiery? Are you married, do you have kids? Are you insecure with him? Have you been wrongly suspicious before?

I guess a lot will unfold today and in the next few days as you work out what you want or need to do.

How are you OP? Have to say, if you've accused him and then he's straight away started to accuse you, I have to agree with your gut.

Obviously life is horrific for you today, but theres poepme here to supprt you and Mumsnet has put some advice up.

Take care of yourself x

There are other indications, like picking fights, secretive about money, working late when they previously never had to and gaslighting you into thinking you are imagining everything. During sex one night with my ex-husband a very cold and strange feeling came over me and before I could stop my self i burst into tears and blurted, "you're fucking someone else", and guess what? He was, of course he denied it but feeling was so strong, I had to do some detective work but it all came out. The rest as they say is history!

I had a gut feeling for a very long time. Nearly drove myself into the ground living with it, trying to behave "normal" while also being hyper vigilant for actual evidence. Eventually it all came to a head, his other child and all. So, yeah, I'd be more inclined to trust my instincts now

then that's where he'll have to go.

I hope you are ok.

He's no good for you anyway - bordering on cocklodging from what you have said so far.

YABU gut feelings can be wrong

However that doesnt mean your gut feelings in this instance is wrong

I think its a daft AIBU because you arent really asking if women's intuition is ever wrong youre asking do we think you're wrong

I dont know is the answer. Its enough you could be right but its not proof. Could be a physical affair, an emotional one or even just a crush.

But I've seen your recent post about his violence and I think it doesnt matter you need to call the police and change your locks. Hope youre OK OP

I hope you’re ok and safe OP. Please update us x

You are clearly jealous of the new friend who he seems to have a big crush on. I doubt there has been any physical cheating or even anything emotional it's probably just a crush he has. Tell him you need him to end the friendship with her and see what happens.

That's a textbook guilty overreaction OP.

I am not saying that partner isn't being unfaithful but I really don't think 'gut feeling ' with absolutely no other evidence is a good enough reason just to throw someone out. I had a gut feeling my postman was having an affair with my neighbour,( van parked there in the evening for hours, turns out he's her brother!)

My ex laughed off he was carrying on with someone OP and it was all in my head and a few months later I caught him out. So yes trust your gut. Hope you are ok.

My ex lied for years on and off and got away with it because I didn't want to trust my instincts. Would get emotional and defensive when challenged. Blamed me for working too hard, travelling too much etc. Cheats are by definition liars and proven to be willing to hurt you. Whether or not you were right, the violent reaction is a very bad sign and you are well out of it IMHO. The hard part now is not getting back with him. Tough it out for just a little while. No being friends bs. Just a clean break. That's what I should have done (and eventually did, after being cheated on for the 3rd time!)