Intuition and affairs… ever wrong?

[OTA]

I’m going to confront my partner of 10 years tonight about what I suspect is an affair. I don’t have concrete proof, just a horrible feeling of impeding doom and subtle changes in his behaviour. We’ve been arguing non stop for a couple of months, mainly about a new friendship he’s forged with a random woman. other things about me being insecure, riddled with anxiety and him calling me a black cloud.

I have nothing but small inconsistencies to go on. Smiling at his phone. Mentionitis. Telling me to dye my hair the same colour as new friend. Just really weird stuff. And interceding all the arguments, moments during or after sex when he’s been tearful and said I love you so much?

YABU - gut feelings can be wrong
YANBU - women’s intuition is never wrong

I agree that if your relationship is not working, then that’s the central issue. If he is having an affair he’s not likely to admit it without proof- especially as he lives in your house etc. Equally, it is hard to prove a negative so he is not going to able to prove his innocence either. You are in a no-win situation, as far as I can see.

The major problem, though, is that you don’t trust him- the only difference whether he is having an affair (or not) makes is to whether or not your lack of trust is justified But the fact is, you don’t trust him now and you aren’t likely to trust him next week or next month. When the trust is gone, it’s hard to salvage the relationship.

Additionally, it does not appear the relationship is making you happy. You need to consider whether you want it to continue if you are miserable- say you could prove he was innocent, would everything be hunky dory? I have my doubts that would be the case. Would you want to work on your relationship if you could reliably establish he was faithful to you? If not, you are best to consider ending your relationship.

im actually so frightened now. I said I was concerned and that i wanted him to leave. He demanded to see my phone and the messages I’ve sent to a male colleague?? I said no, I’m done. Eventually just gave him the phone.

he was walking around screaming am I losing my fucking mind, tell me!!!! Tell me if I’m losing my fucking mind, I’m going to lose it, I can’t calm down. Answer me, am I losing my mind! He has punched holes in the wall.

Im genuinely terrified. He’s gone insane. He’s shaking and audibly crying on the floor and u don’t know what to do

every time I’ve had the gut feeling I was right, even if I didn’t have proof at the time and only found out afterward.

sorry just seen this. You need to call the police. Do it outside the house if you have to.

This isn’t intuition or gut though, is it? Intuition is the feeling of something without logic or evidence. You have plenty of logic and evidence here. What you describe are the classic hallmarks of infidelity. Yes, without explicit evidence it could still not be true based on these things, but it’s not just ‘intuition’ at this point.

He’s doing a worldclass version of gaslighting. Or he’s having some kind of breakdown. Either way he needs either police or medical attention.

Punching the walls and this display is abusive and is designed to intimidate you. Call the police and get him removed. It sounds absolutely terrifying.
Also sounds like classic DARVO.

He is gaslighting you, he knows he has been caught.

Phone the Police now

Walk out of the house and go to a neighbour. Does he still have your phone?

Plus he hasn't gone insane. He knows you know, doesn't mean you're not st risk but he's playing you.

.call the police do not look back

His crazy overreaction is more proof that he’s a cheat. Don’t let him gaslight you op. Hope you are safe. Do you have someone who can come round? Call the police if you need to.

Leave the house, knock on a neighbour's door or get in your locked car and call the police. It's your property and you want him to leave.

Please tred with caution as old neighbour of ours was convinced her husband was having an affair with Mrs.Smith (I have changed the name in case of outing) and she planned to catch them in the night by pretending to be out but hid behind the curtains. Anyway, when she did jump out her husband was naked with Mr.Smith!

Call the police and get him arrested.

Punching holes in the wall is when you call the police. Call them now.

No.

Three for three in my case.

Your partner here says you're a black cloud. Whether he's cheating or not, he should be gone.

I'm afraid I think he knows he's rumbled and this is a performative meltdown to shut you up. Please call the police and ask them to remove him from your home. Checking your phone and making accusations that you're cheating is pure DARVO. Deny, Avoid, Reverse Victim and Offender. He's cheating.

No idea about the gut feeling thing but the facts you’ve given indicate he’s a loser and a nuisance. Get rid.

Eventually just gave him the phone.

I realise you must have got it back now or you wouldn't have been able to post. Please do not minimise this risk. He needs to be removed from your property.

What is the situation now, has he calmed down at all?

Yes! I did this with an ex partner and the dumb fuck after denying things for ages, was tricked into confessing just by simply doing everything you said in your post!

I hope others have reported this thread under safeguarding, given the OP’s updates.
I hope MN are able to make some contact with the OP?

Agree, police at this point. whatever he’s up to with her, his behaviour is unhinged at this point and you shouldn’t have to put up with that. Get him removed then you can have some space to think clearly.

It's a nice idea but is that really a thing? I don't think MN is some kind of 5th emergency service is it?