Intuition and affairs… ever wrong?

[OTA]

I’m going to confront my partner of 10 years tonight about what I suspect is an affair. I don’t have concrete proof, just a horrible feeling of impeding doom and subtle changes in his behaviour. We’ve been arguing non stop for a couple of months, mainly about a new friendship he’s forged with a random woman. other things about me being insecure, riddled with anxiety and him calling me a black cloud.

I have nothing but small inconsistencies to go on. Smiling at his phone. Mentionitis. Telling me to dye my hair the same colour as new friend. Just really weird stuff. And interceding all the arguments, moments during or after sex when he’s been tearful and said I love you so much?

YABU - gut feelings can be wrong
YANBU - women’s intuition is never wrong

YANBU. I think your gut feeling is right.

Is there any hope of getting proof before confronting him?

Do you need to get your ducks in a row forst? What is the financial situation, does he have access to joint savings or does he have individual savings?

doubtful. He’s offered to give me his phone to check messages, but he’s probably deleted them if there is anything. It’s all deniable stuff I know. I wouldn’t be able to find anything else out without either confronting her which I won’t do, or following him - which I also won’t do!

He lives in my house. He has zero savings, nowhere to go. He’ll likely have to go back to his mother’s.

Didn’t know how to vote, yes your ‘gut’ can be wrong. It doesn’t sound it in your case - but then you have more evidence than just gut feelings.

all the best OP.

Of course gut feelings can be wrong, but this time I think yours are correct.
I'm sorry

I wouldn't say intuition is never wrong OP.
But from what you have described i'm afraid I think yours is correct.

Then it’s a no brainer, your gut feel is
enough, no proof required.

Tell him he needs to be gone by tomorrow.

He probably has a hidden phone for the other woman.

Sorry to say, but I think in this case your intuition is likely to be spot on. The gaslighting will commence shortly (if it hasn’t already). Time to put some thought into how you want all this to play out.

Yes, this. This is nothing to do with ‘gut feelings’ but a pattern of changed behaviour. Though it would be an unusually stupid man who suggested his wife dye her hair the colour of his affair partner’s when she knows her…

He won't go to his mother's, he'll have already lined things up so he can stay with her.

There's really no point confronting him. You have no proof. He's going to just keep lying. Just tell him you no longer trust him and you want him to leave. Is his affair partner married or with a partner? If he says he has nowhere to go, offer him a tent. Your intuition isn't wrong.

She’s married to a friend of his. They have 2 children.

He's totally untrustworthy. He just plays to stay until his affair partner leaves his friend. You can take that option off the table for him. Let him go stay with his friends, after all, he's not having an affair.

Oh OP I am sorry. I don’t believe intuition is never wrong but in your case it does seem very suspicious. I hope you have a good support network around you x

Has anyone ever confronted a partner and they were wrong??

No but he’s likely to lie if he’s cheating.

It’s a rare liar who confesses without you having proof they cannot deny. I mean they try to lie even when you have proof.

Do you want to dump him regardless?

If so I’d say ‘I’m sorry Fred but I think the relationship has come to an end. When the fun stops it’s time to stop and sorry Fred but you are no longer any fun. Please leave’.

I wouldn’t mention the cheating to him at all.

Because he’s either cheating or he’s become as dull as dishwater from that behaviour.

It's really hard to prove a negative OP, so he could lie right to your face.

One more thought! I thought I’d read that this government want to give unmarried couples rights to assets - I’d want him long gone. A distant memory of him grinning like a fool (tool) at his phone before the cocklodger gets wind of his ‘rights’.

If he's got no savings and no alternative accommodation, he's sailing a little too close to the wind with you, whether or not he's actually having an affair or not. That's quite a grubby little list of behaviour.

There's zero point in asking him until you've got something concrete. They'll deny it even when faced with hard proof often.

Agree. A man becoming tearful during or after sex would not be someone I would want to stay with.

Good luck Op.

He doesn't make you feel good. That's reason enough to end the relationship. Just tell him that. Don't accuse him or look for proof. It doesn't matter. Just say this relationship isn't making you happy and you'd rather end it. Then do so.

I would have found it very difficult to end it if I didn’t have some proof. I didn’t have much to go on but it was enough and he still lied consistently to my face for a long time.

I think id just call his bluff and say that I know he’s lying about the OW and that it’s over and he needs to leave. Don’t engage any further if he asks what you know. Just say it’s not important and all that is importaht is that it’s enough to be able to ask him to leave.

it might just be enough to draw out a confession - it will leave him worrying and unsure. But if it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. He leaves. The trust has gone. It will likley all come out in the wash anyway.

Yes, this is good advice. It doesn't actually matter if he's cheating, the relationship isn't doing you any good. There's nothing he can do to 'prove' you wrong.

OP, even if he isn't having an affair, do you want this? It doesn't sound like a loving relationship from what you have written. If anyone referred to me as a 'dark cloud' I think they could go back to their mum! I think you deserve much more than you are being given here.