DH says at least DDog doesn't "tell him off"

[Beingseenisneedy]

As the title says, DH and I were having a cosy morning a few days ago. Chatting away, laughing and having a pretty lovely time.

Then I got up and he said he'd take DDog for a walk, and at least DDog doesn't tell him off. I hadn't "told him off" for anything and asked what I'd told him off about. He laughed it off, kissed me and off he went.

Now, he's not a child to be told off, but there are things I remind him to do, he'd probablysay (nag).

Communication is important in any relationship and I'm torn in taking this on board and leave him to it or talk about it with him.

We are different in that he's very laid back, whereas I'm more, let's get things done.

Wwyd?
YABU: Listen and take it on board and try to "nag" less.
YANBU: Ask him what he meant and have an argument .
Thanks.

let it go (this time).

Do you mother him?
It sounds like he sees you more of a nagging motherly figure - else he wouldn’t have said that .

that’s not how you want to be seen in a relationship though so I would have to address it

Is Ddog Albert Arkwrights dog?

Sorry, you're BU by using DDog.....just dog would do the job.

A lot of men marry mother figures who like to control situations, for the main reason it means they can do less and relax when they come home. It makes sense as the simple solution. However a lot of men don't actually think through the process of living with someone who has it together, does everything and has high expectations. They want women to be all things.

I would let it go but maybe probe if he is feeling fragile in the ego department and figure out a way to replace any lost pride.

I hate the word nag. It's usually used about women and it always just means a woman has had to kick a man's arse about something he should have known to do off his own bat.
Similarly, men who talking about their partners 'telling them off' actually mean their partners have had to point out something that isn't working/is unhelpful etc.

You should ask him why he used that phrase and point out that it has a very schoolchild–teacher connotation, and ask if he thinks that's a healthy way to talk/think about your relationship.

Yes, he is. You just don't understand dog

"Nag" is a horrible misogynistic term. Presumably you are "nagging" because he isn't pulling his weight?

His comment about being "told off" would give me the ick. Maybe he'd like to act like an adult and contribute fairly so you aren't in a position of having to manage him?

I'd suggest a conversation where you detail the inequality in what you contribute to the house and ask how to fix the problem if he doesn't want you to remind him?

Does your DH pull his weight at home, OP? Does he often make snide comments?

Show him this

Thank you all. It would be a case of him earning more. So he is the breadwinner, deals with the garden, the cars, bills etc and I deal with the house.

But sometimes it's just simple stuff like say taking stuff to the car, and he's almost on slow motion whilst I'm heading back for the second load.

On one hand, I get that people do things differently but I then find myself saying something like, we best hurry if we're going to make it in time.

Another example was me walking past the kitchen whilst he was changing the bin. Went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, tidied then as I walked back, he was still getting the bin out.
A straightforward bin changing, no burst bag or injury.
I didn’t say anything on that occasion, but it's like just get it done and move on to the next thing.

The DDog dog is also his responsibility.
I do most of the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping etc.
Also work but bring in half of what he does.

No one knows anything based on your op. You haven’t given any examples.

The extremes at both ends are that maybe you tell him off unnecessarily all day long and at the other end he doesn’t adult and thus you have to mother him. And everything in between.

Do you work much fewer hours than him?

Your examples don’t help as it sounds like he just moves physically slower than you’d like?

Cross post! Ah, so he’s a faffer. That’s hugely irritating

It doesn’t matter who brings in more op when deciding home chore split, it matters how many hours you both do.

I don't really get how the breadwinner/hours worked is relevant based on your examples. It sounds like he's just a bit slow and dithery rather than lazy and doing nothing. I'd understand your need to raise it with him if he just never emptied the bin and always left it to you or was sat on his arse while you loaded/unloaded the car. In the examples you gave though, I think you're unfair to have a go. It's irritating that he's slow, sure. But it doesn't sound intentional. Just let him go at his own pace. I'd hate it if my DH was pecking away at me over stuff like that

I dint actually fully agree with this. Some of us move faster than others.

IMO how long he takes to empty the bin is not an issue as long as the chores are split evenly.

To OP
If it bothers you he takes longer to fill the car then split it into 2 half's tell him that's yours this is mine (Or agree it between you I'm not suggesting you take charge). Do yours in the time you want and let him do his In his time.

Dh takes forever to do the ironing ita just a slow task for him. He does it less as I find it moves faster for me but he is capable and I let him do it as his pace not mine.

I would agree a split of the chores then let him do it at his time. You may see it as him faffing but he likely sees you as always hurrying.
Both are annoying.

You need to train the dog to chivvy him up when he’s faffing.

Also work but bring in half of what he does.
Do you work half the hours he does?
I don't think earnings on their own matter really.

Re: split of responsibilities, I tend to think cooking, cleaning and housekeeping isn't directly comparable with garden, cars, bills etc. The former have to be done almost constantly and involve the mental load of thinking of what to cook/having food in/having cleaning products in/having admin stuff in your head etc, whereas surely bills are largely direct debits and the occasional go-through to see if you could get a cheaper deal somewhere else etc? The garden also is less necessary than cooking and general house things; everyone needs food and loo roll every day, but nothing terrible will happen if the grass gets a bit long or something is pruned next week not this week.

I'd let it go but I'd stop doing so much.
Let him figure it out himself.

Aside from the fact that it's actually longer than just typing "dog"

He does pull his weight, but only when he wants to. There's never any urgency, which is fine in some instances, but not so much in others.

Only time he has urgency is when we need to get to the airport.

I work more hours, on my feet all day, and earn less. He's more qualified, works at a desk, less hours and earns more.

A different example is whn things need doing, he'll procrastinate endlessly.

Sometimes I let it go as I understand it should always be on my call, but if I didn't, nothing would get done.

Edit to add another example. He was wfh the other day. Totally get that it doesn't mean doing nothing all day.
I was out at work, got back and the stuff that needed loading into his car for the weekend was still by the door.
Again, didn't say anything and started loading ,then he disappears to the loo for ages!! 🤯.
I do try and say nothing most times, but I'm not so good at hiding the irritations.