Should she earn more??

[blueeeapples]

Appreciate your thoughts on this situation. Both mid 40s, together nearly 20 years, 2 DCs (late teens). Mid 40s, mortgage paid off (3-bed semi), with joint savings of £18k.

Me: Salary: £65k, savings / investments: £137k & pension: £125k

DW: Salary: £12k, savings: £16k & pension: £10k

DW wasn't working while DCs were in primary school. Now they are in in secondary & college, re -entered workforce 2 years ago, working part time earning approx £200 p/w. I think it's DW should work more than the average 8-10 hours she does each week, especially as our pensions aren't great.

DW thinks we're in a good financial situation, and doesn't want to increase hours, especially as we have a large amount of savings.

Am I being unreasonable?

To add, difference is savings amounts comes from me investing my share of monthly personal spending each month over past 20+ years, but in reality it's just family money.

No, YANBU.

Why does she think she shouldn't work more than a few hours a week?

I think we need more context here.

How much has the load reduced on her now the kids are older / how much are you contributing to running the home and family practically and mentally. Is she spending lots of time on leisure (coffee with friends) or is she flat out running the home (although perhaps she has got used to doing this a certain way which could be changed).

also how comfortable are you both really financially, and how comfortable are you with risk? Is she anxious about work or unskilled?

Not even remotely unreasonable imo.
Her doing the bare minimum and relying on you to mop up the extra financial commitment purely because she doesn’t want to is unacceptable. Ive been in her position at times, although I’m currently the bigger earner, Ive been a sahm too at times
There is nothing wrong with ANY of these things but it is critical that it’s fair and works for BOTH of the couple, not just one

What's the point of asking us? Just ask her. Say you think it would be good to have bigger pensions, is she willing to work more?

No need for anyone to be unreasonable.

1. Household maintenance / chores 70-30
2. Has free time, particularly during the days. Has few hobbies, including volunteering for charities.
3. Financially ok. £5k per month, no mortgage and buffer, but worried about pensions and risk of my losing my job some day.
4. Not unskilled. Professional role.

What discussions happened around work and earnings when she decided not to work for the past years?

Regardless of what was agreed, you don't have to stick with it now - but you both need to look at the whole household contributions you both will need to make. Work hours, commutes, school support, domestic care etc.

In order for her to value your work and share it, you will need to show her that you also value her contribution over the years. Those efforts require a very different skillset to the formal expectations of work, and they have benefitted your joint children.

Coming back from mat leave was bad enough - I can't imagine coming back from over a decade out.

If she's only ever worked brief hours, presumably you haven't ever had to experience "the juggle" of childcare. Because let me tell you this, she's saved you a HUGE amount of hassle that will have allowed you to focus on work.

I repeat, it's fine for you guys to agree anew balance if you're not happy. But you'll get nowhere if you only look at the money and work side of the scale.

YANBU. However I would be aware that it's not always easy for women who have been out of the workplace to step back into a well paid FT role immediately, especially if they also need some level of flexibility for childcare. So if she was willing I wouldn't be annoyed that she hasn't managed to do this- I would be sympathetic as it's no fun trying and failing to return to a serious role. OTOH if she just can't be arsed that's a different story.

Pfft, why are you asking us? It's your marriage, every marriage is different.
It sounds like you need relationship therapy as you're not on the same page about roles and money.

Do you need more money?

Exactly

Id really struggle to respect my partner in your situation tbh.

I struggle enough with a pal who works 12 hours a week and moans they never have any money and her DH is always stressed and miserable, but she can't work more because of her DC needing her. They are 15 and 19 🙄

Why is your pension so low?

What kind of work is she doing? Is it a desk job or is it physically demanding? Do any of your children have additional needs? Mine does and takes more of my time in secondary than she did in primary school.

Did it not occur to either of you that perhaps some money should have been paid into her pension or a joint investment account during all those years she wasn't working? She stopped work to look after your children and it has cost her big time. She will never be able to progress in her career in the way you have done, in fact she facilitated your ability to do that.

What happens now is another issue, and what would happen to the 70/30 split of household chores and the 100% of the mental load she's currently carrying (which you are probably entirely unaware of) if she increases her hours?

You don't have a very large amount of savings, £150k would bring in maybe £7,000 a year as income not touching the capital, it's a bit extra on top of pensions but not a lot. If you want to save more DW needs to work more, but it's a family decision, if she works more you may have to do more in the house and with the DC.

I don’t think that’s what the wife is saying. She is saying that she thinks they have enough money and savings already. If you don’t need the money, then choosing 12 hour weeks and a more frugal life is a perfectly acceptable choice. However, she’s being funded by the op, which is where it isn’t fair. He would probably also like 12 hour weeks. I am surprised how low your pensions are though given your salary and no mortgage. Have you been big spenders in the past?

Who agreed that you can afford for her to have hobbies such as volunteering.

It also isn’t as simple as the children’s ages are 15 and 19 so they don’t need much. That’s simply not true. I’m sure there are some teenagers of those ages that don’t need anything - maybe they have the public transport links to go anyway, or can walk for example - but very many teenagers , off the top of my head - those living rurally still requiring lifts, those playing a sport to a high level, those with ND, those with disabilities- still require a lot of time. I’d say my 17 year old dd with ADHD takes up more of my time than my other DD ever has past the age of about 4.

Yeah, savings are a must but you know that it can all change at a drop of a hat. Lost job, illness and you'll go through those savings quite fast.
She should work more if physically able to - then if enough savings and pension, retire early together.

Just poor planning on both are parts. DW opted out, and wasn't in workforce for 12ish years.

Of course Yanbu. What possible reason does your spouse have for only working 8-10 hours per week now that your dc are practically adults.
Does she not consider potential uni costs, your pensions in retirement (which will need to be quite a bit higher) etc etc. Surely she doesn't expect you to spend the next 20 years being the only one saving for retirement and other future costs? Whilst she's working very part time, with no dependants at home? That's crazy.

Just opted out earlier in career, stupid in hindsight, as we missed out on years of compound growth.

Definitely NBU, trust me she needs to be piling as much as possible into a pension because neither of you yet realise how tired you will be mid 50s onwards and that's with perfect health. If you want to stand any chance of not working until you drop the pair of you need to act now. No reason for her to be working that number of hours a week.

I think you have simplified the situation a bit.

Not all industries have an abundance of full time , high paid vacancies for people ( particularly women who have been childrearing) to walk into .

Quality of life now matters over saving for a potential future, although pensions are important.

I'd be wary of being to pushy with dw .

Like a pp said , I bet your dw is still carrying everything that you take for granted, household wise.