Don’t know what to think regarding DH anymore. Feel like I’m going mad

[bodgejob2]

Been with dh for 10 years, married 7. He is mostly a good dh and father, works hard and pulls his weight but sexually i feel like we have never been that compatible. He is incredibly uncommunicative and avoidant when it comes to discussing sex. This along with some other secretive behaviours (him taking viagra for ED and not telling me, him subscribing to OF to watch material about his personal kink that he also never told me about) has driven a real wedge between us.

We have sex maybe once or twice a month. It is always a similar routine, no spontaneity or experimenting or passion. He struggles to maintain an erection strong enough for penetrative sex too which makes things very awkward. We don’t discuss it and every now and then he will claim he has no sex drive and sex will just be taken off the table until he decides he’s ready again.

The lack of openness and communication is leading me to suspect all sorts. He tells me he has no drive but he watches material on Only Fans? I find myself sat at work while he’s working from home stewing and wondering what he’s watching, if he actually engaging with these creators, why is he telling me he has no drive but is still watching this? I feel like i’m going mad and even came from work early on a few occasions to see if i would catch him out (i didn’t).

I just want a normal sex life and if that’s not possible then a frank discussion about it. I just want to ask him ‘wtf is going on with you, i know you watch OF, why are you focusing your time and interest there instead of speaking to your actual wife.’

I know people will say he’s a creep for using OF - that’s a debate i’m not getting into here - and i should LTB but other than our sex life we are happy and we do get along. Also kids involved so not easy to just up and leave over this. How do i address it with him?

The ED is highly likely from a porn addiction. As you say, if he has no sex drive, why watch OF?

If I were you, I'd leave and divorce him, he won't communicate with you, has done nothing to rectify the ED, yet continues to watch porn......LTB.

He takes viagra and has been to the GP. He does initiate sex sometimes (I’ve given up as sick of being rejected). I do think that his personal kink may be a barrier to him fully engaging with ‘normal’ sex. But this is part of who he is - I can’t exactly change this about him. What i would like is for him to speak to me rather than keep it all secret.

I assume the kink is something you have no interest in @bodgejob2 ?

Not that you have to facilitate him but I guess if it was something you both enjoyed it could open the door to a more active sex life?

No i don’t have an interest in it and to be honest he hasn’t shown any interest in trying it with me, he seems embarrassed and certainly tried to hide it from me. I have never judged though, remained totally open minded and even said if he wanted to i would be open to trying it. But i guess he prefers to keep fantasy and reality separate.

This is a deep, foundational issue, OP, which has always been present in your relationship, yet you speak about it as though it's somehow an appended item to your relationship.

I would never causally suggest anyone throws in the towel on a marriage, but I don't see salvage here – especially as you are the only one who cares about it.

I think it's time to move on.

I think it’s wrong to say he doesn’t care about the marriage. He is a very good father and husband. Our sex life is important but it isn’t the only aspect of our relationship. However i do feel like his secrecy and lack of communication is really causing an issue. I feel very resentful and constantly suspicious even though im not sure what of.

sexually i feel like we have never been that compatible

Well that's the issue in a nutshell. You can't fix your sex life with your husband, because it was never good in the first place.

Your husband obviously associates sex with shame and secrecy, and probably has since his adolescence, so I imagine a half-arsed IRL sex life with furtive indulgences of his kink is all he's used to. If he is to change it will require an absolute shedload of therapy, not a pep talk or silver bullet from you.

As for you, the kind of sex life you wanted/want now and the question of why you compromised on it when you married him is one only you can answer (perhaps therapy might be useful here too).

It seems as though the secrecy is almost a bigger issue for you than the lack of sex? You speak about your DH in caring, respectful terms which feels constructive and hopeful but you cannot fix this issue on your own and your frustration is completely understandable.
It does as though your DH may be more than embarrassed about his kinkand his ED; it sounds like he feels significant shame.
It is encouraging that he has previously consulted the GP about his ED though because many men will not even do that.
Did he talk to you about his kink? Or was it something you discovered that he was intending to conceal from you indefinitely? Have you ever discussed counseling?

It was something I discovered purely by accident. I don’t think he ever would have voluntarily told me about it which does make me sad as it feels like he is choosing to withhold important things about himself from me. I know everyone is entitled to privacy in a marriage but also i have a right to know who i married. I found out about this relatively early in our relationship and i thought it may bring us closer but as the years have gone on it’s become apparent that he doesn’t wish to talk about it with me.

I do think a lot of it boils down to shame and embarrassment but without a frank conversation i just can’t know. And my mind is going overdrive.

Have you told him in clear terms how much this bothers you? What is his response?

I didn't say he didn't care about your marriage – but he certainly doesn't care about addressing this issue. If he did then he would have tried to do so by now.

Sex might only be one aspect of your marriage, but it's a significantly important one or else it wouldn't be causing this deep of a problem.

What's the kink?

I'm going to assume pegging!

No not pegging! It’s splosh stuff. Mess and custard and gunk and I find it quite ridiculous and not at all sexy. But I suppose it’s not that wild compared to some of the things people get up to.

How old are you both? I had a similar problem in, so much as DH watched porn but rarely wanted sex with me. Also ED problems. We've had ups and downs, sometimes his sex drive comes back for a month, and then disappears again. He no longer watches porn - laptop broke - and it's not really made much difference, tbh. I am now late 50's and with a much reduced sex drive, it's no longer really a problem. Thankfully there's still plenty to stay together for. I can recommend Tadalafyl - that seemed to increase his sex drive and his ED - until he stopped taking it !

I meant it improved his sex drive and treated his ED - a very good drug.

Oh! I have not heard of this! Could definitely be worse. I wonder why he doesn't want to share it with you. I assumed him being unwilling to was because it may be something you couldn't actually do or something.

I think he feels a great deal of shame about it. But also maybe like he doesn’t want to blend his real life with his fantasy. He has loosely mentioned it before, usually after a few drinks but never made any real effort to make it happen with me. So i don’t know. Obviously because he won’t really talk about it i don’t know exactly.

Ok OP, I’m not saying this to scare you but to tell you my own experience and what I recommend perhaps in hindsight.

My ex-H was the same. Early days we did it a lot (doesn’t everyone!) but then it tailed off. Lucky if we had sex once a month. He said he had a low sex drive and I decided that was ok I wouldn’t force the issue. Over the years I found out he secretly took viagra and never told me - as far as I know he never had ED but he took it for performance enhancement purposes. He would be able to climax and then immediately go again, several times in a session. I was not a fan of this but thought this is just how he naturally was. Nope. Viagra. I didn’t find out until we had been together for 7 years and were already married.

During lockdown I saw OF receipts on his bank statements. He claimed it wasn’t for sexual stuff and that there is non-pornographic stuff on OF and he was paying some Arsenal creator. Sure mate. I let it go.

Down the line one night after covid he got wasted at a mates birthday. Didn’t come back until 5am which was highly unusual. Long story short he had sex with a sex worker and then ended up contracting a STD. He was tested before we had sex again and therefore never transmitted it to me. At this point we were mid 30s and trying for a baby via IVF. And yes, I stayed because I desperately wanted a baby. And got one in the end.

We never had sex again. He developed chronic OCD and refused to touch me including hugging and kissing. I went two years with zero physical contact let alone physical intimacy. But all throughout this time he was partying like mad, getting wasted and now, I am sure, getting with other women. All while I was pregnant and post partum.

Leaving aside the “poor me” of it all, what I believe happened was the classic Madonna whore complex. He thought of himself as dirty and disgusting for doing what he did (he was correct) and I think then categorised sex as taboo. He would not and could not contaminate me with sex but could do it with god knows who after a heavy drinking session.

Like your DH he was very reluctant to discuss sex. He felt immense pride and also shame around anything that didn’t make him sound like the best lover ever. He had a massive inferiority complex that spilled over into our sex life. He refused to contemplate therapy and the idea of sex therapy would have been a non starter. Our marriage ended when DD was weeks old.

I am not saying your DH will do anything like this. My ex was frankly fucked in the head in many other ways that contributed. But the lack of communication around sex, the separation of sexual desire from me as his partner and the eventual spiralling into a full blown Madonna whore complex is absolutely what ended our marriage.

Your DH needs to open up communication around sex. You need to be able to talk about it and he needs to associate you with proper desire and sex, not separate you from his “true” desires. That’s the best advice I can give you. If he won’t communicate with you about sex and if he won’t be honest and if he continues to separate you from what apparently truly turns him on then it’s not a good look out imo.

Could you try liquids you do find sexy?

I’m sorry that sounds horrendous. I don’t know if he would do anything physical with anyone else mainly due to lack of opportunity, but i do sometimes wonder if it were presented to him on a plate (with a load of fucking custard) if he would remain faithful. When there is so much secrecy in a relationship it genuinely feels hard to know what his true morals and motives are. If we could have a frank conversation i’d probably feel better but i’m at a point where i don’t know if he’d just tell me what i want to hear.

I can’t think of any 🙈

You are probably flogging a dead horse here.

it will likely get worse rather than better.

the top and bottom of it is regardless of his strange kink, he just doesn’t have any sex drive for you!

Thats the bigger issue!

Do you think he struggles to get aroused without sploshing?
Is it a power exchange thing for him? Like does he want to be covered in it? Just wondering how you could encourage him to open up to you. ... Not that you should have too.
Would he consider couples counselling?

I honestly don’t know what the fascination is with it. Could be a dominance thing or a humiliation thing. In his daily life he has a professional corporate job so maybe the silliness of it is some sort of release. The snippets of information he’s shared with me seem to suggest it’s something he has enjoyed since being young. Fuck knows to be honest.

As pp kindly said, maybe he just doesn’t have the same desire for me. But he does initiate and is overall loving and tactile so I don’t think he is completely repulsed by me or anything. It’s just very hard to understand when he won’t open up to me. And I find it very hard that he is investing time and money into this sort of content on his own. I cant really address that without admitting I’ve been looking at his search history so that’s another issue.