Don’t know what to think regarding DH anymore. Feel like I’m going mad

[bodgejob2]

Been with dh for 10 years, married 7. He is mostly a good dh and father, works hard and pulls his weight but sexually i feel like we have never been that compatible. He is incredibly uncommunicative and avoidant when it comes to discussing sex. This along with some other secretive behaviours (him taking viagra for ED and not telling me, him subscribing to OF to watch material about his personal kink that he also never told me about) has driven a real wedge between us.

We have sex maybe once or twice a month. It is always a similar routine, no spontaneity or experimenting or passion. He struggles to maintain an erection strong enough for penetrative sex too which makes things very awkward. We don’t discuss it and every now and then he will claim he has no sex drive and sex will just be taken off the table until he decides he’s ready again.

The lack of openness and communication is leading me to suspect all sorts. He tells me he has no drive but he watches material on Only Fans? I find myself sat at work while he’s working from home stewing and wondering what he’s watching, if he actually engaging with these creators, why is he telling me he has no drive but is still watching this? I feel like i’m going mad and even came from work early on a few occasions to see if i would catch him out (i didn’t).

I just want a normal sex life and if that’s not possible then a frank discussion about it. I just want to ask him ‘wtf is going on with you, i know you watch OF, why are you focusing your time and interest there instead of speaking to your actual wife.’

I know people will say he’s a creep for using OF - that’s a debate i’m not getting into here - and i should LTB but other than our sex life we are happy and we do get along. Also kids involved so not easy to just up and leave over this. How do i address it with him?

You need to find a psychosexual couples counsellor - assuming he will cooperate. You'll have to initiate the discussion because clearly he never will. Basically it's that, live with it or split up.

I don’t know if he would given how little he wants to communicate about it. I flit through phases of thinking it’s not such a big deal, it’s just porn, most men do it. Then other times i get really wound up feeling that it’s an utter cheek for him to deny me the sex life i want and make me feel like im not good enough when all the while he’s focusing his interest and time somewhere else.

If he wasn’t such a good dh and father in other areas i would have probably left by now. But ultimately i want to try and fix this. I can only do so much without him engaging though.

I think your frustration - sexual and otherwise - is very understandable. I'm not suggesting you don't express this at all but I think your best chance of getting him to engage is if you let him know how much you appreciate his positive qualities, that you just want to be close, that he doesn't need to be ashamed of his sexuality etc. I really hope things improve for you both.

He isn't a great df if his lack of communication is risking his dc having a 2 parent home..

I came here to say this. You would probably need to find one privately because the wait times through the NHS are likely very long ( assuming you have them locally ). Do you think he’d rather divorce than discuss the issue because I guess that’s what it comes down to

No and when I have brought it up in the past it’s not like he shuts down completely, he will speak but it all just feels so forced and like he’s just saying what i want to hear. For example i’ll say it makes me feel undesired and like im not good enough and his response will be “that’s not true of course i love you of course i fancy you its not you at all.”

But obviously he’s going to say that isn’t he.