Caeliac AIBU

[Pappybear]

We have family visiting next week. Their 12 year old son has caeliac disease. I am very aware how serious this can be for him, and how tough it is to make some people aware that this isn’t just an “intolerance”.

However, in-laws are incredibly controlling about it (which I understand might be a coping mechanism/ entirely necessary) and we have been given a long list of requirements for their visit. Which include deep cleaning the entire house, for our children to not consume any gluten around their child, and for us to not consume non-gluten free beer around them. So basically the entire house has to go completely gluten free whilst they are here. Fine, but they also won’t cook gluten free from out pans etc so we need to get take outs every night that they are here, from entirely gluten-free restaurants. Gluten free options are not acceptable, which I get becuase maybe they don’t know how safe those restaurants are with cross contamination.

It makes the whole visit so stressful every time they come. And my question is AIBU in thinking they could life much easier for themselves, us and their child if they were a bit more flexible in terms of their expectations?

Or is this unreasonable of me and a weeks inconvenience for us is nothing compared to the inconvenience they have to deal with everyday. Just after some perspective, because they’re so prescriptive that I don’t know if this is what everyone with caeliac has to deal with.

Nah, my kid is coeliac and I just take him food and would take my own pans and toaster if I was staying for a few days, and would prep his food myself as it’s easiest and I then know it’s all safe

Tell them you are unable to guarantee that everything will be to their extreme standards. Consider this: if the kid has a bad turn at your place after all your efforts, they could claim it was caused by a molecule of gluten you neglected to remove from a plate. Now you're liable and they'll sue you. Better not to enter their world at all.

This

Im celiac and gf, I get symptoms with gf oats and sorghum, so certain gf foods are also out of limits, but I still live w/my ds who eats wheat all the time, no issues as I'm not eating it. I dont personally like eating at family/friends houses as people either -dont get it and will have flour in their gravy or go on and on about it, sometimes how its been a massive effort for them, so I feel self-conscious, no one seems to just matter of factly cook chicken and rice or fish and veg or salad.
So, even as someone who gets ill, I think they're over-reacting, pans can get washed, someone drinking beer isn't going to affect their son, it's probably not helpful for him either for them to be like this. And I'd agree, I think it's controlling. Its no fun being gf, but trying to control what others eat and how they live isn't the answer either, If you are thoughtful and matter of fact, then that would be enough for me.

Quite a lot of Cooks frozen meals are gf and (I think…) can be cooked in their packets.

I'm sorry I'm not deep cleaning my house for anyone- if it is that serious they should not visit anyone, as those terms are draconian and would not be accepted by anyone sane.

This.
I cater for a coeliac DH. It's a bit of a PITA but not that bad once you get used to the new way of preparing food.
What your ILs are demanding seems excessive. If the lad really was that vulnerable then I would refuse to accept the burden of hosting him. They can stay in a hotel and meet you in some neutral public place.

I don't think it's ignorant to ask a question?!

Pappybear - I really am unsure if there are different levels of the disease but as a child of a sufferer I've never had to have such hard rules for him in terms of what everyone else can eat and drink. We have a 4-slice toaster, which is always gluten one side and GF the other. If I cook a roast then most is fine for both but I do GF gravy and yorkshires for him and the usual for us.

They do seem very strict but this is their child rather than what mine is and they probably 'justifiably' worry more than me.

@Pappybear If they come about twice a year, would it be possible for you or them to buy a couple of saucepans to be kept at your place and be kept with the new toaster and cutting boards
to be used only for their visits then boxed up until their next visit

Further up the thread it says that they don't drive & so can't bring their own pans. Which is understandable. What struck me is that it would probably be much cheaper to buy some foil roasting trays, a couple of cheapish pans, some cheap cooking utensils & cutlery for them to use and invite them to do the cooking in your kitchen, with ingredients they can supply / or closely inspect. That would be far cheaper, and probably much safer for the 12yr old, than the expense and risk of take-aways and restaurants. Probably easier too for everyone to go gf for the week. Also, when done OP for posting on here for advice - there's been lots of it & much of it looks very useful.

Doh! That should have been "WELL DONE, OP".

Why won't they bring their own and is there even a GF restaurant? I only know of one in central london?!
I would not be being told what to eat in my own house. Fuck that shit. I'd happily cater for GF and have a coeliac friend. But they can't dictate what others consume.

Yes the takeaway request is bizarre. Surely it is much safer to cook at home? And what difference does the saucepan make if it is properly washed?

This is what I don’t get.

I’ve not had a takeaway since I was diagnosed 5 years ago. I simply don’t trust it. (And I will not pay almost £20 for a tiny gluten free pizza when I can buy my own at Tesco!)

Ditto eating out.

Weird that they are so bizarre about people eating gf around him and using their own pans, yet are willing to risk a takeaway.

I had a friend staying who has Coeliac disease - we all ate gluten free for the time they were here. It was no different. Mostly all fresh ingredients. It would have been different if she had not had it, it would have made her very very ill. Definately avoid take away food.

I don't think it's ignorant. I agree they are making their lives harder for themselves and I say that as the parent of a coeliac kid. Obviously that's their prerogative but I think it's unfair to foist it on others.

OP, I would be declining all their instructions of deep cleaning the house, buying new pans, you only drinking gf beer, etc. Tell them what you are prepared to do and let them choose whether to come or not.

BTW - they want you to buy all these new pots, pans, toaster, cutlery and can't bring their own. Are they at least offering to pay for it all?

I know right?! Bunch of weirdos!

I have a coeliac child and reckon what's going on here is the equivalent of the 'Brown M&M' tour rider, where bands would put 'no brown M&Ms' at the foot of their tour rider and if they found a bowl of sweeties with them in it... they knew they weren't being taken seriously.

My child rolls around in pain for a week if glutened, it's very much not just a sore tummy in our case, and as a teenager the anxiety and isolation is an absolute kicker.

Fwiw the recent advice we were given upon diagnosis said to replace cutting boards, teflon pots and pans etc because gluten can lurk in cut/scraped spaces. If your pots are new or in good nick, fine. If you were feeling generous (and unenvironmentally sound) you could go to Home Bargs or B&M and pick up roasting bags, toastabags for the toaster, foil and parchment, a cheapo cutting board, that kind of thing. That would be very kind and be a real indicator of intention and would cost less than a new toaster. (obvs as people have said no air fryer, no fan in oven)

Gluten free beer is btw much more standard than you'd think nowadays, now that brewers have discovered that they can take it out and it makes no odds either way. We were lucky that we like Williams Bros beers as things stand, so that was a nice surprise. I think the beer's the brown M&M though.

It's a whole world that you just don't know, fair enough and lucky you! If you join a local FB GF group they'll tell you the restaurants to order from (there are loads nowadays if you're in a city). Findmeglutenfree app will help but they will probably have looked at that and will know more than you at this stage.

Some people take inclusion more seriously, others less. Some people with Coeliac Disease know that the effects of a glutening are so bad a short-term risk isn't worth it. For a 12 year old who wants to enjoy their family dinners wthout anxiety it would be lovely of you to make a big effort.

Or you could say roughly where you are and if anyone is nearby we could reco takeaways. I've even lent pans to pals if they are having GF guests, baked a cake etc. Nice to be nice and all that.

it's very much not just a sore tummy in our case, and as a teenager the anxiety and isolation is an absolute kicker.
Poor lamb. I presume therefore that you ask people, nicely, to make adjustments for your DC; you don't stomp around making expensive demands?

Just seen your update "Nice to be nice and all that." My point, precisely!

There's a balance, isn't there? Immediate family gatherings are all GF, we've never had to ask. People seem to take it as a bit of a challenge tbh, and arm themselves and their kitchens with mahoosive rolls of foil and parchment to produce GF sausage rolls and the like. But ofc we'd never demand.
These guys do sound anxious but tbh it does make me anxious for my child, watching them having the stress of advocating for themselves (obvs I do it too but it's just... tough being a teen and in the middle of things). I wonder if the GF beer is also to allow the kid the usual 12 year old boy thing of stealing a sip? Wouldn't that be nice?

I have two relatives with coeliac disease. If they eat anything containing gluten they have severe (mostly digestive) symptoms. It’s not like a severe allergy where a small amount of the allergen could actually kill them. Your friends are hugely overreacting. If they’re that worried, they should bring their own food for the affected child. Nobody else needs to avoid gluten, though any plates or bread-boards etc which may gave had gluten containing foods on them without being washed, should not be used for the gluten-free foods. It’s not like eg a peanut allergy where if anybody is eating peanuts near the person with a nut allergy, that in itself could affect the person with the allergy.

Thoroughly cleaning the kitchen , removing anything with gluten , using a new bread board for the gluten free bread and buns , using a brand new separate toaster and putting pots , crockery , cutlery round the dishwasher is enough !
For the time they are with you if you all go gluten free to make it simpler would be a far far better idea than risking a takeaway.
My nephew is coeliac and I don’t want to risk him getting ill .
He won’t have an allergic type reaction but he will be poorly and of course if he continues to have exposure to gluten it will have worse long term consequences on him .
Another relative has a peanut allergy which is a whole other very serious thing

There's an American lady who has short bobbed hair and glasses who posts about it. I don't really do all of it. If I cut stuff I do it on a plate or cook stuff in foil. We have 2 airfryers but wash it up in between.

I’m a Coeliac - and I would laugh my head off if someone made all those demands in my house.

i obviously eat gf but my family have normal bread and pasta - we are just careful with plating up and washing up and cross contamination but it’s really not hard once you get used to it.

toaster bags in toaster works fine for me.

my husband is very partial to beer and certainly doesn’t drink gf as do expensive and no need.

They are being totally totally ott and I would say ‘no I can’t agree to that’ and if they want to come and visit - that’s fine but they bring all their own food and we’ll sort ours and unfortunately as I can’t meet all your demands - you can’t stay in my house.

also I raised a child with anaphylaxis (multiple foods) and again we didn’t go to such ridiculous measures - we managed fine without restricting everyone around us.

Celiac and allergies are both very serious but also manageable with a little sense and planning but there is no need to create an anxiety disorder in everyone around you too.