Son has spent the night with gf

[Mumofteenboy278]

DS16 has a gf 18 who he's been seeing for 18m or so. He is pretty mature for his age - youngest of 4 - and she isn't, and they look similar, so it doesn’t seem like a maturity or power imbalance.

He is only just 16. His siblings all had the rule of no staying overnight with someone until they were 18.

They both went to Reading festival in the summer, each camping with their friends, and I had the conversation with him before he went about mates before dates etc as I didn't want him spending the weekend with his gf instead of friends when he had arranged to go with them. Recently I was told via his friend's mum that he'd stayed in his gf tent.

Gf lives some distance away so we do say she can stay over any time. The other night she was sleeping downstairs and DS in his room upstairs; I woke up at 6am hearing someone opening/closing a door and on stairs.

I spoke to DS today. I said he is not permitted to sleep overnight with his GF until he is 18 (this was the rule we had for our other DCs) and I asked him about Reading and the other night at home. He said he'd stayed in GF tent one night at the festival and that the other night at home he fell asleep with her downstairs.

I've said he's broken our trust and she can't stay over and he can't have so much freedom now, because he's broken the rules and lied by omission.

Have I been totally naive here to trust him? Is it fair to apply our family rule of age 18 before sharing a bed with someone overnight ? AIBU to give DS less freedom now?

Cars worked just fine for me during my A-Level years! What a rite of passage, hanging out in your boyfriend's old banger, experiencing young love for the first time on hot summer nights out in rural areas. My sixth-form boyfriend had an old dark-orange Volvo estate car. In my mind's eye, the scene has a vintage wash and the car, the boy, and girl - both of us so young and slim! - look like some indie album cover. We might not have had a proper bed, but we did have complete privacy. And such fond memories.

Really not sure it would have been the same with Mum and Dad in the room next door!

Oh come on, what did you really think was going to happen at Reading?

One of my friends lost her virginity in a bush, another in a train toilet. I feel quite lucky mine was in a bed and I was able to sleep over with my boyfriend. I look back on it fondly as a lovely experience which afforded us proper intimacy and connection.

Why would anyone want to encourage their child to shag around in a park or somewhere unsafe?! Bizarre.

You can have rules and boundaries in your own house but I don't think you should necessarily police it whilst he is out. At a festival with his girlfriend, of course they want to share a tent together and that's not something you can control even if we don't like it. I think you need to be encouraging a healthy relationship over trying to restrict it where it just becomes more sneaky. 16 is the age of consent in this county so even if it might be young, I don't think they're doing anything particularly wrong.

Exactly!!! My parents were very religious and they assumed we would wait until marriage to have sex. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think you can set your own house rules, but at the festival you don't have jurisdiction. However, I hope his gf had her own single tent and there wasn't a female friend forced to sleep next to the pair of them or even worse, get made homeless and have to find somewhere else to sleep!

lol, according to Rod, maggie of the song was a darn sight older than 18 , more like 30s, he was 16 though and the true story goes it was at a festival and in a tent believe it or not 🤣.
I loved that song when I was a teen, still think it’s a beautiful thing now, that mandolin is sublime

Buzz balls and regretamine?

In the same vein, how could you forbid a 16 year old from overnights? You have even less control now.

To put it into perspective, I left home at 16. Hrs old enough to do what he wants tbh

You are being ridiculous. Of course a 16 year old boy is going to sleep with his girlfriend. What planet are you on. You sound like the type who cares more about what the neighbours think than about the happiness and wellbeing of your child.

Mine was in a half built house my then boyfriend scoped out especially for the momentous occasion.
romantic it was not. I often thought I’d love to have told the first owners that I christened their house before they did

He's 16. Stop being so involved in his sex life, it won't work and he won't stop having sex. You've already lectured him, he knows the possible outcomes, he's definitely (and I do mean 100% definitely) going to keep having sex.

He'll spend a lot less time around you though, if you keep this up.

You don't have to have them in your house having sex if you don't want to, but don't make it a punishment, just your preference, if that is what you would prefer.

But again, he is definitely, and I do mean 100% definitely, going to keep having sex with his girlfriend. You won't stop him. Unless you lock him up, you can't.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Have you spoken to a man about this concern? I don't think many adult men wish they'd had less sex at 16.

I'd 100% be wanting to control my 16 year old child's sex life. It may be legal but a 16 year old child under my roof, yes, there'll be an element of control.

I never once had a boyfriend sleep over at my parents house. They would never allow something like that and I would never want to betray their trust in me doing something like that.

I did however have lots and lots and LOTS of sex in all manner of dodgy places.

It is a bit late for rules now. He is in a serious relationship since he was 14.5 years old.

"I'd 100% be wanting to control my 16 year old child's sex life" Well, you can't. So that's that.

You can, however, stop him having sex "under your roof", sure. That's as far as it goes though, unless you lock him up.

What do you actually hope to achieve? They’re sexually active together, there’s no winding that back. They will continue to have sex.

Like other posters above, I wasn’t allowed anyone stay over, I lost my virginity at 14 and we also had sex in all manner of public places 🫣 I was on the pill younger than that for periods yet my boyfriends mum wasn’t bothered, there was no open door rule but my mum being strict with it just meant I sought out other places to do it and I wanted to, wasn’t pressured. I now have a son and as a result if he’s of legal age, id rather him have a partner under my roof. Some may say it’s encouraging it but id much rather know where he is and would much rather that than him and a partner go out and do it else where in all manner of places. And no I wasn’t a teenage mum and I have a good career. I haven’t lived a life on benefits and turned into a well rounded individual just had teenage hormones so my point is even if you think they aren’t doing it, the majority are and I hugely believe if you’re so strict with it, they’ll just do it elsewhere if they want to enough

And all you’re doing by not allowing it in your house is registering your disapproval. It won’t stop it happening elsewhere. I’d be asking myself what value there was in disapproving at this point. He is now a sexually active young person, he’s not going to go backwards on that.

You can apply those rules at home , fair enough , but anywhere else is crazy ! Do you really think they are not having sex ? Are you that naive ?

I apologize for being so funny in my earlier two posts. I had too much caffeine and couldn't help myself. You are not a silly, nattering goose in a prairie dress, OP. I also retract my suggestion of presenting your son with a purity ring.

Wouldn't you rather them safe at home than canoodling in a park or down the woods?? They have been in a relationship for a couple of years so I think YABU to expect otherwise at this point. Telling him not to stay in a girl's tent at a festival that you've sent him off to also sounds a bit mental.

They will lie if you set unreasonable rules I'm afraid.

Yes, agree, think you meant to respond to the person I was responding to.