Son has spent the night with gf

[Mumofteenboy278]

DS16 has a gf 18 who he's been seeing for 18m or so. He is pretty mature for his age - youngest of 4 - and she isn't, and they look similar, so it doesn’t seem like a maturity or power imbalance.

He is only just 16. His siblings all had the rule of no staying overnight with someone until they were 18.

They both went to Reading festival in the summer, each camping with their friends, and I had the conversation with him before he went about mates before dates etc as I didn't want him spending the weekend with his gf instead of friends when he had arranged to go with them. Recently I was told via his friend's mum that he'd stayed in his gf tent.

Gf lives some distance away so we do say she can stay over any time. The other night she was sleeping downstairs and DS in his room upstairs; I woke up at 6am hearing someone opening/closing a door and on stairs.

I spoke to DS today. I said he is not permitted to sleep overnight with his GF until he is 18 (this was the rule we had for our other DCs) and I asked him about Reading and the other night at home. He said he'd stayed in GF tent one night at the festival and that the other night at home he fell asleep with her downstairs.

I've said he's broken our trust and she can't stay over and he can't have so much freedom now, because he's broken the rules and lied by omission.

Have I been totally naive here to trust him? Is it fair to apply our family rule of age 18 before sharing a bed with someone overnight ? AIBU to give DS less freedom now?

Actually op I think I see what you're saying , and I agree.
You haven't said no sex. I'm reading as though you do presume they're having sex. You're saying no sharing a bed overnight at age 16.
I think that's right. 16 is a child. There's no need to play grown ups at 16 and share a bed all night. I think there is something different about that to just having sex- trying to make the relationship too serious perhaps, before its time.

That's part of growing up. I look back on some of my past hookups and partners and wonder what the hell I was thinking. But part of life is having a past that you can grow and learn from.

Yeah that’s how I read it. I don’t think the OP is trying to control them having sex, just simply putting a rule in place that they should sleep in separate beds whilst they’re under her roof before 18.

I personally think that’s absolutely fine and I had a similar rule at home (although I think it was 17). No parent wants to wake in the night to the sound of their offspring shagging - they can do that when parents are out of the house!

Where do you want them to have sex then? In a field? The park?

And you’re pretty naive if you believe that your older 3 also stuck to these rules.

Well presumably in a bed / sneaking around, like any self respecting teen.
Not turning it into a big love affair before it needs to be. I would especially feel this way if my child had only just turned 16 and was in a sexual relationship with an adult tbh.

I really don't understand the attitude that it's fine for them to have sex, but just not in a bed at night because that's too grown up 😂
No way I'd want my child finding random dodgy places to have sex...

YANBU to make your own rules for your home, but YABU about the festival.

I think your rules are fine. I'd expect them to still be having sex but your not encouraging it. My friends have been fine with their kids having sex with their blessing at home from 14 but we are all different. As long as you have had the safe sex and making images talk its not possible to stop where else they do it. I'd also prefer my 16 year was safe.

So it's ok to have sex but they just have to lie about where they are? Or it's ok for them to have sex in a bed at home during the day?

If that's your concern, you could have a chat with him and ask him if he feels coerced at all, considering that she's older. Tell him he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to, just because she's older.

About the rest of it, yes, you're being controlling. Fair enough to say that they can't sleep in the same bed at yours until he's an adult, but you really can't control other things like the festival. And I'd turn a blind eye to the creeping about in the night.

I just think - have sex . Have sex whenever you like.
But when you're a child you go to your own bed and go to sleep. Not pressured into having a grown up relationship you can't get away from in the middle of the night. 16 is still quite young, when the other one is 18. I think I would feel more strongly if the younger one was a girl too.
Sharing a bed overnight regularly adds a more mature dimension to a relationship that might be harder to back out of if you wanted to.

You are being cintrolling. Why on earth should he look back and think you should have put boundaries in place?You say he is mature for his age. He must be for an 18 year old girl to have him as a bf.
Stop being controlling and accept his situation is different from his siblings.

I really agree with this. It also potentially puts pressure on a non-adult girl to submit to sex in the night, sex acts on waking up in the morning. Etc. This is less likely where the adult is a woman, and older than the boy, but it's still possible.

If you think that a younger male can't be coerced into sex by an older female, you need to listen to Rod Stewart's Maggie May and his story behind the song.

14 is a disgrace. It's two years underage, for a start. And given that the average age to lose your virginity in the UK is sometime in the six months before turning 18, there might well be 14-year-olds who feel pressured into letting Spotty Liam stay over and have sex because he wants to and because her parents are fine with it. So what protection does that leave a child against Spotty Liam?

I think parents who let 14-year-olds have sex in their home should be referred to safeguarding.

Totally normal. Whatever way the sexes are.

stop being so overly invested in your son’s sex life..,it’s odd

Indeed.

I was the oldest, and I did get caught sneaking out. My brother gets all the credit for being the good one. He wasn’t, he just didn’t get caught because I was helping him get back in the house in the early hours.

This is literally the most absurd post I think I’ve ever read on here. You’re asking us to make judgements about our teens based off of an 80yr olds man’s pop song. Come on mate….

Idk, I’m not quite there yet, my kids are ‘of age’ but late bloomers compared to their peers (nd) ,
i know it’s not going to be long, particularly with my youngest who’s far more adventurous (and open with me) than the eldest and I honestly don’t know how I’ll feel about them having sex in my house but I also don’t know how i could prevent it whilst still promoting safe consensual relationships/ sexual encounters.
its an issue we (mostly ) all have to face. I had an horrific upbringing, huge neglect but also crazy religious household, extreme control and ruled by fear.
i did what many kids in similar situations do and lied, snuck around all very innocently and age appropriate then ran away at 16 where i got myself into some horrendous situations with nobody to guide or support me and no boundaries.
i was incredibly vulnerable to all kinds of abuse.
i know it’s an extreme example but making your kids sneak around is a recipe for disaster. Once they start hiding things from you it’s very hard to open up to you when they need help or support.
keep communication honest and open.
explain your feelings about the situation and maybe you can reach a solution together

I had a friend who was a high level health professional who allowed her 14 year old to have their longterm ‘partner’ sleep over regularly, bought them a double bed. She was very pragmatic about it, I was shocked but my kids were small at the time so I thought maybe I’m out of touch.

I'm not trying to be rude but surely you can't be this naive?! Of course he was going to be with her at Reading festival and it's unreasonable to expect anything different. He hasnt broken your trust, he wasnt in your house.

It's better you encourage him to be open with you, which he won't if you have totally unreasonable expectations. It doesn't matter what you did with other DC, it's strangely inflexible to not look at each situation on its own merit.

Im not saying let them have sex under your roof, but what they do outside the house isn't something you can control.

He will probably regret wasting his life, this dad really nails it

YANBU

What 18yo young woman wants to date a 16yo boy? Eww. Same other way around. Two years is a lot at that age. That’s not irrelevant.

I’d be OK with my 16yo sharing a room with their gf, if gf was same age, her family had OK’d and he’s respectful all round (I.e. tk her, to me).

What youngsters get up to at a festival is one thing. In your home, important you feel comfortable.

And if 18 is the rule you set with his siblings, fair play for consistency.

It's actually quite common for a 16 year old (year 11) girl to date a year 9 boy - I've been teaching a long time and have seen it many times. It's usually a girl who wants to fit in and have a boyfriend, but feels unready to have sex like her friends are. They date a younger boy because it takes the pressure off and the younger boy gets kudos for an older girlfriend. It usually fizzles out when the older one goes to college. Obviously your DS' hasn't and the relationship has matured alongside them.
There are a couple of boys in my Y11 class now who have gfs in the sixth form and have been together for ages.
You can't police the festival but you can insist on your rules in your house.