Son has spent the night with gf

[Mumofteenboy278]

DS16 has a gf 18 who he's been seeing for 18m or so. He is pretty mature for his age - youngest of 4 - and she isn't, and they look similar, so it doesn’t seem like a maturity or power imbalance.

He is only just 16. His siblings all had the rule of no staying overnight with someone until they were 18.

They both went to Reading festival in the summer, each camping with their friends, and I had the conversation with him before he went about mates before dates etc as I didn't want him spending the weekend with his gf instead of friends when he had arranged to go with them. Recently I was told via his friend's mum that he'd stayed in his gf tent.

Gf lives some distance away so we do say she can stay over any time. The other night she was sleeping downstairs and DS in his room upstairs; I woke up at 6am hearing someone opening/closing a door and on stairs.

I spoke to DS today. I said he is not permitted to sleep overnight with his GF until he is 18 (this was the rule we had for our other DCs) and I asked him about Reading and the other night at home. He said he'd stayed in GF tent one night at the festival and that the other night at home he fell asleep with her downstairs.

I've said he's broken our trust and she can't stay over and he can't have so much freedom now, because he's broken the rules and lied by omission.

Have I been totally naive here to trust him? Is it fair to apply our family rule of age 18 before sharing a bed with someone overnight ? AIBU to give DS less freedom now?

I think instead of having the “mates before dates” talk, you should have had the “safe sex” talk.

That’s a different issue. The dating an older girl. That was the conversation to have, not who sleeps where.

If you want to be even more hilarious, I suggest presenting him with a purity ring! 😂

I think you do have a point, OP. Lots of posters on this thread are saying, "of course everyone has sex at 16" - well I didn't until university, nor did most of my friends.

In your case I would be a bit concerned about the gf being an adult while your son is still a minor. And a bit concerned that he absolutely knows to use a condom every time, even if gf says she is on contraception. You don't want him becoming a dad by 17.

No. But he might if he had started having sex at 14 with a 16.5 yo who should know not to have sex with 14 yr olds. I think this girl is odd.

It's not about not having concerns, I think we all have concerns when our kids are growing up, but the fact is, they are going to have sex anyway. Best thing you can do is build a relationship of trust with him so he will know he can come to you and talk about anything if he needs to and also so you can make sure he is being careful and using protection.

Youngest are supposed to break the rules. Your rules seem a little Draconian to me. Did you parents tell you when you could have sex? Mine didn't. I didn't tell my daughters what to do either. We talked about lots of things, sex and drugs included. It's up to them to make their own decisions. I'm embarrassed for you. Way to push your children away. Craziness.

Surely the time for boundaries was when he was 14 and going out with a 16 year old?

We were unreasonable to say our kids couldn't have their bf/gf to stay overnight with them until 18?

A few pps have said this.. but how exactly could we have forbidden DS from dating his gf at 14?

Why are you currently happy that an adult is having sex with your child?

This relationship was wrong from the start and continues to be wrong.

I haven't said anything about sex on here. I'm talking about overnight sleeping arrangements for gf when DS is 16. Their sex life is nothing to do with me

It’s fine to expect them to sleep in different rooms in your house, but obviously they’ll sneak around: don’t you remember being a teenager?! If they’re going to lengths to make it look like they are in different rooms I’d consider that a mark of their respect for your rule. Turn a blind eye if he’s a good kid.

The festival thing is crazy. You can’t tell him how to behave when he’s at a festival. You can advise him “mates before dates” but you can’t force him to do things! TBH you’re very lucky if the sleeping in his gf’s tent was the most outlandish thing he did at a festival.

Trying to control teens with arbitrary rules will push them away. They need guidance not control. Rules need to be logical and enforceable.

You are naive. You can’t stop your child from having sex. You don’t have to support overnights because they encourage relationship intimacy beyond just sex.

Instead of trying to set rules that you can’t enforce, you need to arm him with condoms, conversations about enthusiastic consent, and the concept that two forms of birth control are always best.

I think what is important is their relationship - if they have a relationship where they are kind and respectful to each other ... they've been dating for 18 months totally ridiculous you are trying to stop them having sex. Sure you can set rules for your own home but outside if that? No. Besides you are labouring the point that you have older kids but you should know not all kids hit milestones at the same time plus the world changes over time.

You’re perfectly within your rights to say no to his GF staying at your house overnight

BUT……….

You know that’s not going to stop them having sex?

and

to go off on one because they shared a text at a festival is just bonkers tbh.

Maybe they were just quieter at sneaking about ??!!

He's 16 and.its 2026 not 1826

Kids grow up quickly now........

When I was 16 I stayed in a strangers tent in reading I thought it was his tent and he thought it was mine 🤣

im 40 now happily married it’s fine he’s a teen

This makes no sense. Surely the reason you’re concerned about overnight sleeping arrangements is to do with sex? If you’re not bothered about his sex life, why does it matter if they sleep in the same room?

I actually think the staying overnight together is a separate issue from whether they have sex.

A 16 year old will of course have sex if they feel they want to (though not all 16 year olds are ready for that). But I think 16 is too young for regularly sharing a bed / staying over with a bf/gf. I think it's too much like an adult relationship.

Having said that, I might turn a blind eye to the occasional sneaking around. That's perhaps different to actually condoning them sharing a bed regularly.

Yes absolutely fine with that. Both over the age of consent so have to say you sound very controlling OP

16 year olds are going to have sex with their long term girlfriends. Refusing to let them spend the night with each other definitely isn't going to stop them having sex.

Well now you’re being silly.

At 16 it his contraception you need to focus on. That’s actually the important thing.

So you're happy with them having sex just not safely and comfortably in a bed overnight 🤔